Recent DJ Posts

I am talking with Melissa when she somewhat casually mentions ‘my son’. I ask her what she means, and she tells me that I have a son that’s been living in some small town with another family. She tells me that she got pregnant her junior year of high school. She then revises it to her freshman year and then to ‘two years before high school’. I incredulously ask “you got pregnant in middle school?” She grins meekly but somewhat mischievously and says yes. This is news to me. She then lets on that she used to be pretty promiscuous, to put it lightly.

I am in the kitchen at Dad’s house with him, Scottie, and I think one other. The atmosphere seems jovial. Dad and Scottie are making jokes about pregnancy, until I realize that they’re actually easing into the fact that she is pregnant. I’m slightly taken aback, but I guess also happy for them. Their happy expressions look like they won’t be changed by any reaction. I glance at her belly and think she can’t be that far along but maybe it does look larger. I figure that Dad’ll be 70 when the kid is 10 and 80 when it’s 20.

I debated a little with myself about putting this dream here, but yeah.

I am in a anonymous hotel room with twin beds and long windows with thick draps, it's nighttime. I'm with another girl, blond and pretty in a bland way, and modestly clothed. She is heavily pregnant, as I am, and is helping me with contractions. I sit on one of the bed, the pain is slow and burning and is a far cry from what I know about child birth. I prop my legs up and appart, breathing throught the contraction. My fellow in birthing is crouching down and her breathing mirror mine.
I reach between my legs and feel something pushing out, warped in a thin membrane. It's slippery with blood and fluid and I can't grab it, I have to birth it. I feel a lot better when it's finally out. The membrane is opaque, light pink with little veins all over, like an amiotic sack the size of a 5 kilogramms rice sack. I pick it up, the thing inside is wriggling and slithering. I hold it against me, it's warm. The membrance open up, revealing a colorful snake looking non-venimous (its has a cute :3 face, like a boa) thick as my wrist.
I woke up, thinking "Ok, WAT?" while Eli was sort of terrified.

The Dream:

Once again, I find myself pregnant in the dream world. This time I'm back at school and I've just gone to see the school guidance counsellor to see what I should do. She's a very calm and therapeutic dream character and she puts me at ease.

She tells me she should have a look at me to see if there are any complications. She takes me outside her office and towards a golden bathtub sitting at the end of the hall. She asks me to undress and sit in the tub, but only if I feel comfortable doing so in such a public place. I start removing my shoes but when I'm about to take off my jeans, the previously empty hall is now bustling with people and I no longer want everyone to see what's happening.

She tells me that's alright and that she'll meet me in a room in the basement where there shouldn't be so many people. I then walk down three flights of stairs to the basement. There are some people loitering around but within this basement there's an "inner room" which is completely empty except for a row of beds. Relieved at having finally found some privacy, I'm about to go into the room when I'm suddenly interrupted by Adam (a classmate) who asks me if I'm here for Justin Bieber's morning maths lecture. I'm horrified to realize I also happen to have a morning lecture with Professor Bieber and that I'd been skipping it in order to see the counsellor.

Suddenly the previously empty inner room turns into a classroom and there are desks with students in them and a teacher at the front writing on the board. I sit at the back of the classroom. As the teacher starts his lesson, I start wondering how on earth I wound up being pregnant in the first place. I wonder if the events that led me to be pregnant actually happened or if it was all just a dream. I (stupidly) decided it must have actually happened.

The counsellor is back again and sits behind me in the classroom. She asks me if it's alright if we continue at the back of the classroom where no one will see us. I tell her "No, Adam is my classmate and I'll be mortified if he sees me back there."

So instead I just try to pay attention to the lecture. Everyone seems to understand except for me.

Notes:
Prior to this dream, I had pretty much decided I didn't ever want to have children until I was past 30. The counsellor character sticks out to me because she was a calming presence in the midst of my anxiety. The golden bathtub is also memorable...perhaps because it's so misplaced in the middle of a school hallway?

The theme of trying to find a private place to undress but being unable to find it prevails again. I don't know what else this could mean except that it just reflects my own anxieties about being around people. In each of these dreams, I'm often trying to hide something that is under my clothes (i.e. underwear, a pregnant belly). I'm worried about people finding out about my secrets---whatever those are.

Re-occurring elements:

• the failed search for a private space
• a bathtub
• pregnancy

Dream Signs:

• I'm pregnant (duh)
• I'm also apparently back in high school
• the random bathtub in the middle of the hall

I was a young man swimming at night in a bay. A storm had blown up, and for some reason even though I was already in the water I felt the need to take shelter from the rain, so I grabbed a tarp that was connected to a rectangular three-sided frame (so open on one side) and held it over my head. This didn't feel sufficient, so I found a second tarp, this one on a round frame. Propping both of these overhead, I felt sufficiently protected from the storm to swim back to shore.

When I reached the beach, I peered through the darkness for the friends I expected to find there, but it was quiet and empty. They must have all gone home when the storm began, leaving me stranded. At first I felt a deep sense of loss and abandonment, but after a moment I realized there was another way to look at it: I was now free. I didn't have to go back with them, I could go someplace new.

I swam back out into the water, feeling no need to hide under the tarps anymore, and went farther than I had ever gone. As I was about to swim out the far side of the bay, the ground came up close under the water, like a boundary. I could feel the rocks sharp under my feet and I almost turned back, but mustered my courage and pressed forward. Then I was swimming in what resembled a small inlet into a river, and I recognized that I was in another land.

It wasn't as dark here, and I could see a boat passing by in the main river. There were several people in it, who I took to be natives of this land. I was tempted to hide at first, afraid they might be hostile if they spotted me, a stranger, but again I kept my courage up and swam forward. Fortunately they were friendly, and welcomed me among them.

I think there was a male chieftain in the boat, although the main purpose of the boat was to take the pregnant daughters of the tribe to a special place where they could finish their pregnancies. I immediately bonded with one of the girls and realized that I wanted to go along and help her, if she would let me.

Dream - Lucid

I was at my old apartment, and a younger guy was living there. He looked to be about 20 or so, and had long, very curly dirty blonde hair. He was talking about how small the beds were at the apartment, and I agreed with him, telling him that I had to sleep on a pull-out couch, and Courtney C. had to scoot two beds together. I also told him that I got my own room to sleep in, while she had to sleep elsewhere in the apartment, even though she had her own room.

I then remember having to work. It was supposed to be at where I'm currently working, but I was having to greet people as they were entering this bungee jump ride. It was kind of like a video game at this point; it makes me think of Animal Crossing. Some of the people looked like they were made in that art style. Anyway, to greet them, I had to "click"on them, and they would say "Thank you!" in a little voice. It took me awhile to figure out how to greet them. Being greeted made them happy, and gave me points.

I then went back to my old apartment to sleep. I had to get up again in 4 hours to go back to work and work another 4 hours doing something else. When I walked in, the curly guy was in the living room fixing something. I thought that he was lucky that he didn't have to work a split shift. I went and took my Ambien to go to sleep, and laid down in the bed.

Then, I woke up for work again. I couldn't remember what my task that night was. I was thinking customer service, but that didn't seem right. I got there, and then remembered: I needed to go to the hospital. It was my due date for my baby. So I went there, which it just so happened to be where work was, and went into this room that had a hospital exam table, a hospital bed, a TV that had the news turned on, and 3 or so other pregnant women sitting in it. It was a kind of holding area for pregnant women who may go into labor. My mom was there with me. Apparently, I wasn't actually due for another two weeks and was having signs of early labor, so they wanted to monitor me. If I showed signs of labor, they would have to do an emergency C-section.

Then, it was just me and the pregnant women in the room. I was wondering if it would be alright for them to give me pain medicine even though I'd already had an ambien 4 hours prior. I laid down on the bed and watched the TV a little bit. I also remember seeing my reflection in something at some point, and thinking to myself that I didn't look pregnant, and I hadn't looked it when I had my daughter a few years ago either. I wondered what happened to her; my mom had adopted her, but I hadn't heard about her in awhile. I figured my mom had adopted her out to another family. I thought to myself that I should remember what happened to my daughter.

Then, I started to feel something dripping down my leg. I looked and saw a bit of blood. I then had the urge to lay down on my back and start pushing; I felt a twinge in my belly urging me to do so. So I started to lay on my back, and thought to myself
I was so glad that she shared her pain pills with me.
It sounded like I was narrating what was happening to me. I'm not sure who gave me pain pills or when, I just know it was one of the expectant mothers in the room.
I then felt the pain pills; I felt woozy and high, but no pain. The nurses rushed in and said they were going to put me under for the C-section. I said something back, but I don't remember what. They said it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't remember. They put the mask to my face to put me out, and I breathed it in a few times. I was then out like a light.

The next thing I knew, I was waking up in the room again, but things had calmed down. I got up out of the bed, even though I knew I probably wasn't supposed to. I was careful not to exert myself too much since I had just had a C-section. I held the area on my tummy where the stitches were. The room was empty now; I was alone in it. I wanted to know where my baby was, if it was a boy or girl, if it was even alive...

The doctor eventually came in to talk to me. They said that the baby was alive, it was a boy, but they had to amputate one of his legs.
"Was the cord wrapped around it?" I asked, thinking for sure that was what it had to be.
"No, it was because of a birth factor," said the doctor.
He then explained birth factors to me, and they run on a sliding scale back and forth, and whatever the factor is on when the birth happens determines if the baby has anything wrong with them or not. My birth factor had been high, while a low one would have also been bad. It was ideally supposed to be in the middle.

The fact that my child had a severed leg made me remember all the dreams I've had about having to get a leg or foot amputated, or about seeing people with prosthetic limbs (IWL this actually is a very common dream theme for me, though it hasn't been lately until last night). I then wondered if it was the Ambien that I had taken all throughout my pregnancy that caused this.

Anyway, I was so glad that my baby was alive, despite the leg. I knew I would love him just the same, and raise him like he did not have a defect. I walked into the nursery to see him. He was in a chamber at the very end of the room that had caution tape taped around the inside of it. Below the chamber was a bucket with two severed legs in it, although my child had only had one amputated. They almost looked like baby doll legs. There was a little blood. I wondered if that was just the holding chamber for severed legs.

I then was back in the holding area, and my husband came in. He was excited that I had had the baby! He asked if it was a boy or girl, and I said boy. His face lit up, and he got really excited. I had never seen him so excited about anything! I then told him about the leg. It seemed to slightly temper his excitement, but he was, like me, just glad the baby was ok. I imagined holding the baby, and putting him on my shoulders to play with him. I wondered if it would be different to do so because he had one leg.

I was then shopping with my mom at Kohl's for some baby supplies. I knew I needed bottles, so I went and found a package of three colored bottles that had Disney character head cut-outs at the nipple. I saw Mickey and Donald, but noticed that the third bottle was missing. I then picked up the package, and noticed that the Donald bottle had water in it. I told my mom that I had wanted to get those, but not if they had been used and were missing a bottle. I didn't see any more, either; it appeared to be the last one.

Wow, this dream was so vivid. Again, barely any sleep, but when I did sleep, holy crap. Definitely a memorable dream.

April 24th, 2014 - I dreams I was pregnant, but single and unemployed. I was almost at full term and lived with my family in a small sea side town. I did not want the baby but could not abort because everyone else in my family was excited about it. I could not even talk about not wanting the baby because it would have appalled everyone in the small town. I was expected to be a good little dutiful mother even though I did not know where the father was. (In the dream I literally could not remember who the father of my child was at all). The dream ended with me going to give birth soon and I was emotionless and still conflicted about wanting the baby, even dreading it's arrival, while everyone else around me rejoiced.

April 25th, 2014 - I was male and a vampire with medium length white hair and wearing a long black trench coat. I lived in a small Medieval village that was surrounded by a thick stone wall. Outside the wall was a dense, maze-like forest filled with many nasty creatures like other vampires, werewolves, and demons, as well as normal forest animals. The wall was there to keep the other bad creatures out so they did not attack humans but I was allowed to sit on the roof tops of the villager's houses at night and drive away any infernal creature that tried to attack the people. In the morning, before the sun rose, the people would leave me jars of pig's blood, on their doorsteps, as payment. I slept during the day in an old gated cemetery just outside the town wall, which the forest was slowly overtaking. There was something in the dream that magic was normal in this world but forbidden in town because the blood of magic users would be specifically targeted by vampires and demons seeking to feed off of "powerful" blood.

I've been writing up my dreams on word on my computer when I wake up... This was last nights dream. The weirdest thing that I have to note about this was the extremely real sensations o.o;' And how it felt like I really was struggling to breathe... Bizarre x.x;

~~~~~~~~

I was in some sort of resort place, and it was almost like a caravan park of sorts. I was pregnant with twins, and I know that I was full term, but I kept walking up to people and rubbing it going, 'Look at my belly! Isn't it beautiful!' But something happenned, something was wrong with the babies; So I had to be rushed away in the car to some sort of hospital place but it wasn't really a hospital. I can't remember the faces clearly enough, but I do know when I was lying on the bed one woman kept telling me to push, but I didn't understand how I could do that. I sort of pointed at my belly, and tensed my muscles but nothing happenned and I became confused.. It looked like I was having to a c-section instead.

I wrestled with a nurse or something because they put one of those heart monitor stickers down my throat, or some food tube. At first it was horrible and I felt like I was going to choke but once it lodged itself properly I could breathe clear again and they put more heart monitor stickers on me and hooked me up to the machine. It kept track of three heartbeats, the two babies hearts were okay; but mines kept fluttering on and off. I felt my heart sort of jump a bit in the dream too. The dream changed before I actually gave birth but the memory of the other dream I had has faded, but I'm sure it had something to do with Daniel (My boyfriend).

Non-dream Dream Lucid Dream

I recalled a couple of fragments then I became lucid for a split second before waking up. Not going to count this one as lucid.

Fragment 1:

(Very disturbing) I have been sleeping with my cousin for a while. I am in bed with her again and finally decide to put a stop to it. She is now making her pregnant husband eat coconuts which are horrible for pregnant people (in my dream they are).

Fragment 2:

I am in some kind of prison. Not literally a prison with bars and such, but my life is a prison. Some guy is about to show me the recipe to escape from the prison which involves cooking a bunch of tomatoes. Something (not sure what) makes me think I am dreaming. I am lucid for a split second then wake up.

I've been having dreams lately that I have some sort of supernatural power. It's been innocent until last night.

I dreamt I was a demon, walking through a basement filled with people. I knew they would call the police, but I knew that there was absolutely nothing anyone could do to stop me. I'm not sure if I killed people or made them fall asleep, but most of the people were lying on the ground because of me.

I kept the desirable women for myself for later, and had sex with Jack Nicholson (Why him? I don't know.) to impregnate myself with a devil baby, the antichrist, I don't know. I intended to impregnate a woman afterwards.

What the eff is that about?

My mother revealed to me that while I had been visiting her, she found my IUD in her house. Apparently, it had come dislodged and fallen out. She kept it for months, deliberately not telling me, so I'd give her grandchildren. I looked at myself and saw that indeed, I was pregnant. I yelled angrily at my mother, flabbergasted that she'd stoop so low. I asked her if she understood that I'd been drinking and doing drugs the past few months, unaware of her schemes, and that the baby would not be well. I screamed with despair, and the noise sounded like a baby's scream.

----

The setting is a sterile, white, minimal, hermetically-sealed floor of a skyscraper. Small boys and girls, all aged around 10-14 and all blonde, live here, each in their own small room. They're overseen by adult minders and have never been outside of the building. One girl is curious about the outside and manages to leave. She finds she can fly. The building the children live in, she sees, is surrounded by nothing but high-rises in an endless dystopian cityscape.

The girl returns and develops a love of dragons. She orders (or I send her?) dragon toys from the internet, which appear in her sterile room in Amazon boxes.

The girl meets a boy, and eventually both escape. They end up at an art gallery with experimental electronica playing and a circus-like atmosphere. How should the story end, I wonder? Should they live happily ever after? No, the story should end in tragedy, I think. They should meet someone - maybe a tattooed lady? It's been done in Stranger in a Strange land, I remember.

As is my custom, here is a long digest of dreams from the past few days.

December 19th, 2011

1. There were some creepy guys following me down the street in front of the church near my school. I told them I only spoke Spanish and Japanese. My friend Anna fought them off. Dylan did something online in which his username was "Dylan ____DDDDDDDD" (and the blank was actually something I don't remember). Then there was some kind of river race. Then a guy was doing a photoshoot in Parish Hall, like when they take school photos. He was acting like the creepy guys (and might have been one of them with a different look. This guy was in a black pinstripe suit and had shoulder length black hair, a mustache, and cream colored hat). Somehow I went on his deviantARt and he had a shoutout to jessietea (me, except on dA where I'm jessie-tea, but for all intents and purposes is was me). He wanted to date me in some capacity.

2. This one is crazy and confusing. I hooked up with Dylan. Then at some point later we were at his apartment (irl he lives with his parents) which looked like they were near the modulars (these trailer classrooms at my school) either in place of them, or they were the apartments right next to them. I ended up telling him that I "was the one who was pregnant with his brother's baby" the year before (NONE OF THIS IS TRUE, the guy exists, and another person who I later mention, Haley exist). He flipped out. Apparently, when we found out, the two of us pretended to kill ourselves (by pretending to cut our throats and hang ourselves upside down in a lake....). Somehow I was still here, but Dylan thought his brother was actually dead. At this point I still keep it a secret. I gave the baby up. This makes the sister develop eating disorders (bulimia), Dylan is angry at me, I'm traumatized by the whole thing. Then it seemed like a montage where time passed and we were a trio and hung out. At some point Dylan starts dating Haley (oh wait, this and the hooking up are real) and we're all still friends. At some point I remember the image of a cream colored laundry room. Finally, we all go to get Guardasil shots together (this dream was the night before I had to go get one of those, so that's why I dreamt it) and we ended up getting it done in the Parish Hall bathrooms.....


Actually, I'll finish these up in another post soon. I have to sleep.

I was meandering around my school, until all of a sudden green gas started filling the hallways, outside, everything. They had to rush us into the basement, and I was carrying my 2 children in the dream (one was just an infant, the other could talk). All the highschoolers were pushed into the stairs to go to the basement, and one of them opened the door into the outside and green gas came bursting in. We were all yelling at him to shut the door, until one of the people controlling the gas stepped up and shut the door. The person was wearing a biochemical suit.

I was in a bookstore, and the oldest of my children in the dream waved his arm to point to a book he wanted me to read to him. I took it off the shelf, opened it up, and started reading a passage to him. As I finished, he read it back to me. I was really astounded and called my family around to hear him repeat after me again. I think what he read had something to do with alcohol or substances or something like that.

I was in the sky on a cement platform; my brother was looking down at this huge sky parade with a group of people holding up an advertisement for Diary of a Wimpy Kid. He told me previously that he needed some new techniques to help deal with bullies, and he needed that book to get the new techniques. I kept feeling like I was about to fall off the platform, and I was freaking out. A helicopter came to take us back to land, and I couldn't get the courage to jump into the hole in the helicopter. My mom and brother were saying all I had to do is jump, but I couldn't; I was too scared. I had an idea to use a swing to propel myself into the helicopter, so I sat on a randomly spawned swing and started swinging really high. It scared me, but it was better than standing on a platform. I ended up swinging into a castle-like structure into the helicopter, my step-sister was driving it, and got inside. It wasn't my step-sister anymore who was driving the helicopter, but some random guy. His girlfriend was in there with him, and she was pregnant, but he didn't seem to care. She kept telling me that he doesn't count the months that she is pregnant, and there was blood everywhere in different beaker-type things.

Good morning, everybody.

Dream #1

I was probably at "my family's house." My brother and mother were around. I don't know about other people. My brother was having me act out something, and he was possibly also video taping it. It may have been a movie or a music video.

We were in a number of different bedrooms. My view was always kind of tight and low, as if I were the height of a child, with not much attentiveness to my environment. The rooms always seemed kind of small and barren, with white walls and slightly harsh incandescent light.

In a couple of instances, my brother seemed to tower above me. But our relationship was still of me as the big brother to him as the little brother. He seemed to want to impress me with whatever his video project was. I seemed to think the project was cool, and I was happy to be a part of it.

At some point my brother needed me to act like a "cool person." So I needed to wear black jeans. (WTF?) I may also have needed to wear a belt with square steel studs on it. My brother and I went searching through closets for the perfect black jeans. My mother was in one of the rooms where my brother and I were going through the closet.

At another point, we were outside the house. It was night. We may have been far from the house, possibly even in a parking lot. My brother knelt (below me now) at something like a toy chest full of jeans. There seemed to be plenty of black jeans. But none of them were right for some reason.

At another point we were in the house again, looking through a closet full of blue jeans. (I'm pretty sure that at this point my brother was much taller than I again, like I was a little kid.) My brother thought that, if all else failed, we could at least use the blue jeans. But they were all too big for me. So they were no good, too.

By this point I may have been walking around in no pants, just walking around in my underwear from place to place, looking for black jeans.

Dream #2

I was outside on a pleasant, sunny day. My view fluctuated from the left to the front. I seemed to be in the wilderness, in some open area with bare soil. It may have been on a piece of land for a cabin, or something like that. In both of my views I saw piles of stuff, like piles of discarded household items and furnishings.

I also, somehow, seemed to be reading a message from another website I participate on. My friend, MY, was telling another person, or a group of people, that she didn't judge some boy on the site for something or other.

MY then said, "----- (a man) and ----- (a woman) and I are going to have a baby. I'm pregnant with the baby. And when he walks around the yard, and his pants and diaper drop off, and I see his little bottom, I don't judge him. I think it's cute."

As I looked in front of me, there seemed to be a beam, like an upright beam of wood for the frame of a house. There also may have been other rubble, mostly wood, around the beam. Just beyond the beam there may have been a pile of household goods of some kind or another.

[I have been writing DJ entries throughout June, both by hand in a paper journal and in a document on my hard drive. I feel like working on bringing my online DJ up to date tonight, so I'm going to.]

Night of June 5-6

I'm in a bedroom that resembles the one I had at House #2, but isn't exactly like it. I'm getting dressed, and my mom is in the room. I explain to her that I don't own any khakis or chinos, only jeans and black pants. [This is almost, but not quite, true in real life. I do have some khaki capris, but only one pair.] In a drawer, I find a couple of pairs of khaki capris, one pair of which is a light brown with a pretty, darker brown pattern of flowers and leaves on it. I think they might be too small for me, but I put them on anyway.

Night of June 6-7

A woman is being held in a dark, underground room. She's being tortured by having her hands bound together above her head in such a way that her elbows are being forced to bend the wrong way. She laughs and is good-humored about it, but this is just a facade to hide the horrible pain she's in. Other torture goes on, with torture implements, and other scary things happen [but I no longer remember the details]. All of the events of the dream unfold visually, but are accompanied by ongoing, simultaneous background narration provided by [a novelist whose audiobooks I often listen to]. The events are are all part of one of his novels, which I'm listening to. [I've been listening to his stories all these years, and they're just now giving me nightmares? Actually, I think I know why this might be: Now, I actually have a visual image in my memory to go with the concept of 'torture implements.' I got this visual image from seeing “Limitless;” that scene freaked me out, and I had to look away. That fact, plus the fact that I was really anxious about real-life stuff as I was going to sleep on this night, most likely caused the nightmare.]

Night of June 8-9

I instinctively realize that I'm pregnant, with twins, while I'm out and about, doing something. Later, I go to a hospital because I think it's my time to give birth, but it doesn't happen.

[Different scene.] I'm with a bunch of my friends, cleaning up the mess left behind after some big event in a large, indoor area. Cleaning up includes gathering together, sorting, and storing all the leftover pens and markers that were being given away at the event.

[Yet another scene.] I'm going to the hospital for a checkup.

At some point [I don't remember in which scene it was], I put my hand on my lower abdomen to feel the small bump that's starting there, and think about how I should stop drinking soda and eating unhealthy foods. [This dream felt very real while I was in it, so much so that when I woke up and recalled it, I went, “Wow, all that was just a dream? Whew, that's a relief!”]