All DJ Entries

1st January 2021

Dream:

I'm with H, we're in a town or city like L. I remember we had been in the van. We were buying something off someone or selling them something.

We go past a bigger van at some point. Its back doors are open and it's crammed full of stuff, some rolled up materials, furniture, other things I don't recall.

I remember then some interaction with mom, in the street? But I'm also recalling another scene indoors. I'm showing mom and dad some drawings, though mostly to mom. She seems proud or happy, but I get the feeling that she wishes she could do the same.

The bit in the street; narrow-ish street, cobbled floor/paving. Daytime. I remember something about my phone and holding it up in an odd way, trying to avoid people (colliding with them).

Next I'm in a house, still with H and in the same area. Out of a window I can see a large square or plaza. We're at ground level. There are people going back and forth. This looks like a small kitchen area, the interior is wooden, a nice semi-deep stain. I pick up a towel and start cleaning up some water on top of a wooden-veneered countertop. H is next to me and we're talking about something although I can't recall what. I see a woman approach the house. She's in her 50s, has long but wavey hair and holds herself in an uncertain manner. She has some kind of turquoise top?

I seem to recall she comes by a few times and I try to tell her that she's at the wrong place or something, as I don't know her at all. All the while, she has a very confused expression.

A set of recurring bear dreams.


Mid October, 2017

I was in a variation on my aunt F and uncle C's house where a party was being held. There were so many strange and quirky characters there that it felt more like an indoor carnival. In one room I met a woman who was the caretaker of a semi-trained bear. People took turns meeting the bear, warily, before leaving, fully amused by their encounter. It was a black bear, small as bears go but still large enough to do some serious damage if it wanted to. It followed me around in particular and it kept resting its head in my lap every time I sat down. Each time I would feel a little on edge despite its outward displays of affection. I was worried about making the wrong move and setting off its wilder instincts. After the fourth or fifth time I started to even feel annoyed, not wanting to have to stay on my toes all the time. The caretaker woman seemed to sense my annoyance and she came up to me saying, “It is a great honor to be chosen by a bear.” I wandered out of the room, thoughtful, but not entirely convinced.

***

Thursday Night, 11/7/19

See "The Jaguar Woman" entry.

***

Tuesday Night, 6/30/20

I was someone else, a man in his 40's I think, outside at the edge of a forest as dusk was approaching. I morphed to resemble my waking self. I began climbing a large arbor for some reason, treating it like a jungle gym. While I was up there, I discovered a baby elephant hanging from its trunk in the arbor I was climbing. I stared at it for a while, confused by how it got up there. It changed into a bear cub. Das showed up. He thought the baby bear was cute and wanted to pet it indefinitely. I began to think about the implications, however, and I started looking around nervously for the mother. It appeared to be alone out here, but I was still wary.

"We shouldn't have put our scent on the cub." I told Das, "The mother will smell us and get angry if she's around."

Das shrugged. "I'm not worried. Look! He wants pets!"

I sighed and edged my way down the arbor. "Come on." I said, trying not to be too loud, "It's almost night time, we need to leave the forest now if we want to get clear of wherever the mother bear is at." I started creeping quietly away from the arbor and towards a sparser area of trees.

Das shrugged again but reluctantly stopped petting the cub and trailed along behind me.

I started to hear sounds in the bushes and a low rumble, and I realized the mother bear had arrived. For a moment I picked up the pace but continued to try to be as quiet as possible, hoping we might somehow get away before it finished locking onto our location. I searched my mind for what to do in case of a bear attack, and I remembered to play dead. The mother bear showed herself, blocking our path. I realized we weren't going to make it. The bear roared angrily and charged at us, knocking down Das first. Then she ripped into me (which didn't hurt as much as one would expect) and I got to see my intestines, right before my right eye was detached from its retina and everything went dark. I woke up. "Damn it Das..." I said out loud.

***

Thursday Night, 11/5/20

I'm talking with my parents outside on the deck when an adolescent black bear wanders into our back yard and we notice it has an abscess on the right side of its head. My mom wants to go over to it and treat it. I'm also worried about the bear's health, but I do not think it's a good idea to go up to it like that. I suggest maybe calling a wildlife center instead. "I have some leftover antibiotic ointment from when the cats were sick, I'll go get it!" My mom says and goes back into the house. My dad laughs at us and goes back inside to the other side of the house.

I follow my mom and try to get her to reconsider, but she doesn't listen to me. "Well, here it goes!" She starts heading back outside with the ointment.

"Mom, no!"

My mom jumps a little, startled. "Ah, you scared me!"

"You should be scared, it's a bear!" I look away for a moment, wondering about the wildlife center idea again, but when I look back I see that my mom is way out in the yard heading towards the bear.

For whatever reason I decide I have no choice but to do things my mom's way now. The least I can do is try to mitigate the danger so she doesn't get attacked... But this is probably a bad move. I head outside and my mom is scaring the bear towards the fence and towards me. I'm worried it will feel cornered. I backtrack a little and grab a bag of cat treats as it's the only thing I can get to quickly. I manage to get the bear's attention with the food, tossing a handful of treats on the ground in front of it to distract it. My mom comes up behind the bear with the ointment. The bear finishes the treats very quickly so I keep having to scramble to get handful after handful ready. I'm worried about the gaps of time where the bear might get aggressive. "When I say stop, stop until I can get more treats." I tell my mom, convinced the bear needs to be distracted with the process eating to not notice her. It's a dubious plan to begin with but I'm clinging to it.

My mom is applying the ointment to the bear, but I'm struggling to get the next set of treats out of the bag. The bear is slowly starting to look up. "Stop." I say. My mom does not stop. The bear looks directly at me with dark black eyes. "Stop, stop." I say again. Still no response from my mom. I imagine I can see impatience developing in the bear's expression, although it's hard to tell. "STOP!" I'm trying not to be too loud, but I'm starting to panic. I finally get the last of the treats out of the bag and toss them on the ground.

"Done!" My mom exclaims cheerfully.

"Mom, get inside, quick." I say anxiously. I make sure she makes it inside while the bear's still eating, then I go in myself and close the screen door first. Why am I bothering to close the screen door first? It's not going to stop a bear and I'm wasting time... I think and close the sliding glass door as quickly as I can. I can see the bear standing in the yard, eyeing the bag in my hand as if annoyed there are no more freebies.

***

Monday Night, 11/23/20

I'm in a building I don't recognize. My dad is there and says something very mean to me, although I can't remember exactly what it was or why it happened. Rather than feeling hurt or scared, I suddenly feel a deep anger come up as the full implication of the words sink in. "I am not stupid." I yell powerfully. My dad disappears but I yell it again. It seems to be irrelevant that no one is around anymore. I can see out a window onto the unfamiliar street outside. It's night time and raining a little. I still feel the anger, like a raw energy. I open my mouth and a bear's roar comes out, a guttural rumbling. I stop, confused at the ability to make such a sound and feeling self conscious, thinking people will think I'm weak for being too emotional and sounding ridiculous. Then I decide I don't care, even if anyone was around to hear. Twice more, I let out the bear's roar which resolves into a more human sounding scream. The dream fades.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening / astral projection


We moved to an apartment in Alverca. The house is nice and big, but we look through the window and I only see other buildings right in front. I recall we moved here so to be closer to mom. She is seeing the house for the 1st time and she is impressed by the size of the rooms. She lays on the couch in the living room and says that's what she'll be doing on weekends when she comes by, but I notice she is sad and so am I. More than sad, I feel depressed and oppressed, remembering the beautiful green landscape we no longer have around. I miss it so much and think we made a mistake.

Travel back in time with a couple friends, kind of accidental. We find ourselves in USA around the 1900s, I think in Washington. We end up in the house of a lady and her daughter who have some kind of family factory they inherited and are trying to get back to work, having to fight back all the discrimination against independent working women. They are determined to make it work and we help them. Right now they have men reconstructing their old mansion and its quite chaotic. I go for a walk with one of my friends and we pass by historical buildings like the Senate and I ask her "Doesn't this feel like you real life now? Don't you feel at home here?" And she says "no", looking surprised. I explain that I enjoy so much this slow paced world and she says she misses the internet. I laugh and agree, that's the only thing that really is hard not to have. But we agree we don't miss tv or any of other technological advances. She still says she wouldn't want to stay. I say I would and I imagine I'd use it to try to change so many things. I see myself writing books to influence the mentality of people in the future.

I had another strange dream involving my mom, sister, and the Reliant last night. Like the dream the night before, this dream was a mix of past and present.

The dream started in the baggage claim of the local airport where I live. It was late at night and my mom, sister, and me were waiting for our baggage after arriving from somewhere. I am pretty sure the dream took place in the present time as my mom and sister were both like they do now and we were all wearing face coverings along with the few other people we saw in the terminal.

After waiting a little while longer, we started seeing our bags come over on the conveyer belt. I am not sure where we were arriving from, but I pulled a lot of stuff off of the belt. All 3 of us had large black rolling suitcases and my sister and I each had our set of golf clubs. My mom and sister each also had a tote bag an purse, and I had a laptop bag.

Once we had everything, I got a luggage cart to help us get everything out to the car since mom said she had parked in the long term parking lot and it was a bit of a walk. I loaded everything I could onto the luggage cart and then pushed it out of the terminal following my mom and sister. As we were walking out, mom noticed a sign saying all parking tickets must be validated at the kiosk in the terminal and griped that she had left the ticket in the car and would have to go back into pay.

We walked past the parking deck and eventually got to the long term lot where mom had parked. When we got there, I noticed granddad's old Tan Reliant at the far end facing us. As we walked towards it, I asked mom why she had driven it rather than her Tahoe and she explained she would rather leave the Reliant parked in the lot for several days exposed to the elements.

When we got to the Reliant, mom unlocked and opened the passenger side door and then walked around to the back to unlock and open the trunk. As I walked around to the trunk, I noticed some changes to the Reliant from earlier dreams which included the back seat being clean and usable and bumper stickers on the rear bumper I had added when I drove the car in high school. It seemed like a later memory of the Reliant in this dream than the one I had in all the other dreams when I was 15.

While I worked on trying to figure out the best way to load all of our stuff in the trunk, mom unlocked the driver side door and got the parking ticket off the dash. She expressed being relieved that it was right where she though she left it. She then grabbed her purse from the luggage cart and headed back to the terminal to pay the parking fees.

After several tries at re-arranging things, I was finally able to get the 3 suitcases and all of our carry-on items into the trunk. I felt like I had really accomplished something as I closed the trunk until I looked down at the luggage cart and saw that our two golf bags were still on it. I then had a sinking feeling knowing the only way I could get everything to fit in the car would be to put the golf clubs in the back seat and have all 3 of us ride up front. My sister was distracted in the front seat looking at her phone and never noticed me putting the golf clubs in the back seat.

Once I had them in, I went to return the luggage cart to the appropriate place in the lot and then slowly walked back to the Reliant. When I got back, my sister was still sitting in the passenger seat looking at her phone and was zoned-out. I opened the door and asked her to scoot over. At first it didn't register what I was asking and then she gave me a strange look and something about she thought I was riding in the back seat. Once I explained about the golf clubs, she rolled her eyes and let out a loud groan and then unbuckled her seat belt and moved over to the middle seat. This was the first time in any of the car dreams I have had where I am riding by the window in the Reliant and my sister is riding in the middle.

While we waited for mom to come out, my sister was griping about how stupid it was for mom to have driven the Reliant when her Tahoe would have had a lot more room for all of our luggage. I tried to sit as close to the window as possible so my sister could have her space, but there wasn't a lot of room. As I was getting ready to look at my phone, I looked through the windshield and saw mom walking through the parking lot towards us.

When mom opened the driver side door, she told us that she had to go back to the terminal because she discovered she did not have her credit cards and remember she had put them in my sisters purse before going through security. She also asked why we were both up front and my sister snapped that the golf clubs wouldn't fit in the trunk and had to go in the back seat. Mom asked where my sisters purse was and I told her it was in the bottom of the trunk under the suitcases. Mom them closed the driver side door and walked around the the back and opened the trunk.

While mom was still looking in the trunk, my sister unbuckled and then moved over towards the driver seat and said she needed to show mom where she had hidden the credit cards. She opened the driver side door, got out, and then closed it behind her. I was looking at my phone when I heard mom close the trunk and then saw my sister walking around the front of the car from the driver side to the passenger side. She then flung the passenger side door open and told me to scoot over to the middle. I woke-up from this dream as she was getting in the car, so I have no idea what happened after she got in. This was the first ever Reliant dream that ended before mom got back in the car and tried to start it up.

Not sure if I am finally starting to figure out how to have control over these dreams or if I just moved out of that sleep cycle before it could go any further.

I had a REALLY strange dream last night where I was riding between my mom and sister in granddad's old Reliant. This was the first time I have had any dream about this in over 5 months. What made this dream so strange was that is was set in the present time, but there were parts of the dream that incorporated memories of when I was 15.

When the dream started, I was driving my Jaguar F Pace which is what I drive now. My girlfriend was in the front passenger seat and my mom and sister where riding in the back seat. We were definitely in the present day, because my face covering was handing from the rearview mirror and my girlfriend had hers on top of the glove box. I was driving all of us back to mom's house.

When we were getting close to home, mom asked me to run her by the Gulf Station because she needed to pick-up the Reliant. I changed course and a few minutes later, I was pulling into the parking lot of the old Gulf Service Station where my parents used to have their cars serviced. As I turned in, I saw the Tan Reliant was backed into a parking space in the gravel lot in back facing out towards to gas pumps. Both the Reliant and the Gulf Station both looked exactly like I remembered them looking when I was a teen. When I looked in front of the station, I saw a line of people wearing face covering standing on X's 6 feet apart waiting to go in and pay. The station still had to old pumps I remember that did not give you the option of paying at the pump.

As I pulled in, my girlfriend reminded me that she needed to run by the mall to pick-up some thing she had ordered and suggested I let her drive my SUV there and I ride home with my mom and sister. Since I really didn't want to deal with the mall, I agreed and got out and handed her my key fob. As she drove away, I walked towards the Reliant where my mom and sister were and discovered that I had left my face covering in my SUV.

As I walked towards the Reliant, mom was pulling keys from her purse an unlocking the front passenger side door. She suggested my sister and I go ahead and get in the car while she went in to pay since the station was trying to encourage social distancing. She then opened the front passenger side door and then passed me walking toward the gas station to wait in line to pay while my sister stood beside the open door. I told her she could sit up from that I would be fine riding in the back seat.

When I got to my sister, she rolled her eyes and pointed to the back seat telling me it was full of junk and we would all 3 have to squeeze in the front seat. I hesitated near the door waiting for my sister to get in and move over to the middle. While I was standing there waiting, my sister pointed to the tan vinyl bench seat and said "you're riding in the middle". I really did not want to have to ride in the middle, but didn't really feel like arguing with my sister and know we were only going a few miles and I would be riding between them for less than 10 minutes.

I reluctantly leaned into the car and threw a box of tissues and umbrella that were in the middle of the front seat to the back seat and than sat down on the seat, scooted over to the middle, and buckled the tan lap belt around my waist. My sister then sat down beside me in the passenger seat, closed her door, and buckled her seatbelt.

Not long after my sister closed her door, the car started to reek really bad. I looked through the windshield and saw that mom was still standing on and X out in the parking lot and knew there were still several people in front of her waiting to pay and that we would be waiting a while for mom.

While we were in the car waiting, my sister kept talking non-stop. First she was talking about our dad who had passed way about a year ago and was trying to get me to share my feelings which made me really uncomfortable. As she kept on talking, I noticed her breath really reeked like it did in the earlier dreams and it was all I could to to avoid it. As my sister kept pressing me to share my feelings about dad's passing, I was finally able to change the subject by getting my sister to talk about some concerns I had about mom's wellbeing and staying safe during COVID. Because the line to pay was so long, my sister and I talked through several things while we waited for mom to get in the car. Since the conversation we were having was an important one, I was having an easier time dealing with her breath than I did when she was trying to get me to share my feelings about my dad.

When I was talking to my sister about some of my concerns with mom, she poked my ribs with her elbow and told me mom was coming. I looked through the passenger side window and saw mom walking through the parking lot towards the Reliant. She got sidetracked for a little while when she saw a friend pulling up to a gas pump, but soon she was fumbling through her purse for the keys and then unlocking the driver side door, opening it up, and the sitting down in the empty driver seat on my left.

Once she was seated, she put the black key in the ignition and the car made a buzzing sound until she closed her door. She then spent what seemed like forever getting all of the mirrors adjusted. As she was doing this right in front of me, I noticed that she was really starting to show some age. As she griped to me and my sister about how long the line was and how slow it moved, I got a whiff of her breath and noticed it smelled worse than my sisters did. I tried to speed things along telling my mom and sister we needed to get back to the house before my girlfriend got back from the mall since she didn't have a house key, but mom didn't get the hint and kept taking about the slow line.

When mom was finally done adjusting the mirrors and talking about the wait to pay, she turned the black key in the ignition to start the car. The engine turned over several times but then was replaced by the annoying buzzing sound and a dash full of red lights. Mom turned the key a few more times, but each time the reliant didn't start up and I heard the buzzing sound and saw the red lights. I tried to suggest that we get someone at the Gulf Station to take a look at the car, but mom snapped at me that she could get it stated and didn't want to waste their time. She then started trying to pump on the accelerator before each crank, but the car still failed to start-up and I would hear the buzzing sound and see the red lights on the dash before mom again would try to pump on the accelerator and then turn the key. I started worrying that my girlfriend would get back to mom's house before mom could get the car started and snapped out of the dream while I was focusing more on what would happen if my girlfriend got to the house before us and less on mom trying to start the dream.

This dream was really unusual because it was a combination of the present and the past. The dream took place in the current time with us living in the COVID world. However, the Reliant was just like it was when I was 15 and the Gulf Station looked just like I remember it looking as a teen. In real life, my parents got rid of the Reliant after I graduated high school and go a new car and the Gulf Station was torn down several years ago and replaced with a BP convenient store. I though it was really odd how this dream blended the present and the past together.

Thursday, 8/6/20, Core2


False awakening. I heard my alarm going off but something made me suspect I was dreaming and that the alarm was just part of the dream so I didn't hurry to turn it off. I was laying in bed and not moving easily. A finger count reality check confirmed I had too many fingers but for some reason I still wasn't 100% certain I was really dreaming. I thought about rolling "out of my body" and flying but I was reluctant to fling myself out of bed if I turned out to be awake (it's not close to the floor). What can I do that would be easier? I wondered. I tried to affect my environment. The sound of the alarm faded in and out with my focused thought, then I made it go silent. The entire visual of my room faded as well. Oops. I rolled out of bed and floated to the floor, having now convinced myself I was in a dream and that I needed to stabilize it.

A lapse in consciousness as everything faded to black briefly. I found myself standing in the upstairs bathroom. Wait a minute, I thought after a few seconds, How did I get here? Am I still dreaming? I counted my fingers; seven, eight. It was very strange because my hands looked so normal even when I stared directly at them. I checked a couple more times just to convince myself once again. I was looking around me in amazement because everything was so realistic, an exact replica of my waking life bathroom. Clearer, even. I stared at and felt the bumps on the wall, saw how light reflected off the semi gloss, mint green paint. I decided to go downstairs to look around some more. I hope I'm not just awake and really sleep deprived. I thought idly, Otherwise people are going to think I've really lost it, staring at the walls and talking about how amazing they are.

As I walked down the stairs, I pulled at my hand, trying to see if I could morph it. I did, slightly. The weighting of gravity felt so realistic as well that I wondered if I would be able to fly in this dream since it felt like it would be difficult. I tested it by jumping off a few stairs and confirmed I could float. It felt stranger than usual in this environment. I reached the kitchen where my mom was doing dishes. "Hey Mom," I said, "This is a dream."

"Oh, yeah?" she said.

"Yeah." I thought of what I wanted to do with my lucidity. "Do you want me to show you how to fly?" I asked her.

"No that's okay, I already know how to do that. I've done enough of that lately." She went back to doing dishes. I was somewhat mystified by this decision.

"Oh, okay." I wanted to go out back so I started looking around for the nearest exit. I went and opened the front door. "Well, see you later." I added. Wait, why am I looking for a door to go all the way around? I could just take a straight shot through the kitchen wall. I changed course and flew at the wall. I can't believe some people get stuck in walls, it's never happened to me. All you have to do is not think about it. So then, of course, it happened to me. I got stuck in the wall halfway through. It felt like I was moving through molasses and everything went dark for a couple seconds. Then I could see an extremely vague back yard scene. I focused on a point relatively far away - since the closer focal points weren't yielding results - and I set a strong intention to go there directly. I essentially teleported to the intended spot and the scene became vivid and clear once again.

I flew above my yard, which was roughly accurate to waking life but much bigger. I spotted my late cat Pascal, a fluffy, 24-pound Maine Coon, laying in the yard just past the redwood tree. He was staring up at me. I flew lower and slowed, with a bit of difficulty controlling my height and speed initially. "I don't regret any of it!" I announced to him out of nowhere once I landed in front of him. "Well, except I wish we'd realized how sick you were sooner so you didn't have to go like that. We wanted to be there." I knelt down next to my cat and pet him, talking to him about our time together when he was alive, telling him how much I loved him, and pulling twigs and leaves out of his fur. He just continued staring at me with big eyes and purring, though I got the sense he was listening. The dream lapsed into a non-lucid.

Spoiler for Additional Notes:

Definitely one of my clearest LDs, and a really euphoric feeling to see Pascal again. I loved that cat so much. When he was old and sick, he started having trouble breathing and we rushed him to the vet and said yes when they asked if we wanted them to do a procedure to try to save him. He died on the operating table and I really regretted not being with him at the end. In hindsight we didn't recognize how close he was to going so we weren't prepared to let him go and also didn't have time to think it through fully during the emergency. I was determined not to repeat that mistake, and I didn't the next time one of our elderly cats, Talis, no longer had quality of life. It was very tough to make that decision and to find the right balance, but I know that in that case Talis' needs came first. Anyway, it was still good to finally get to tell Pascal how I felt and how much I loved him, even if it was just in a dream.

I typed this up in great detail, and then the page reloaded and didn't save any of it. SO here's the much shorter run down.
MCT oil, raw honey, melotonin, and tincture blend (African dream root, bobinsana root, blue lotus, calea z, mugwort, lemon balm, damiana) around 10:45, asleep by 11. Multiple dreams and multiple Lucids, woke up several times but the dreams continued each time, so here's the important stuff I remember.

Theres a party in my apartment, lots of people are hanging out. Someone does a hit of coke in my kitchen, causing me to question the situation. I look at my hands. Tooooo many fingers. I tell someone else to look at her hands, she agrees with me, this is a dream.
I go to my room to go to bed, the apartment is empty now, my roommate says something to me. I look at my hands again, yes this is still a dream. I grab some pillows off my bed, sit on the floor to meditate. Several Om Mani Padme Hums later, I open my eyes. My room is no longer my bedroom, but a concrete industrial type room with floor to ceiling windows on the two outward facing walls. This is sharper, more in focus than any lucid dream I've had in a long time, the meditation was well worth it. I decide to seek the McDouble I've been after in several of my last lucids. I turn toward the windows, expecting to break one and jump out, but to my surprise theres a window that opens easily, and a staircase leading to the ground. I walk down, and think of the task of the month. A breeze starts up, cooler and fresher than it has any right to be.
As I walk through this city scape, I look at the DCs and am aware they are simply projections of my subconcious. I lock eyes with one, he knows what I am thinking.
Strawberries grow like weeds against a building. I pick some, a nearby tree whacks me with its branches, these are not my strawberries.
I see my families old tan van, I climb in, find Mcdonalds bags (clearly full of trash). I search one anyways, hoping to find a McDouble. My mother is in the drivers seat, says she'll take me to a McDonalds. She drives, and as she is on a collision course with a wall, I close my eyes. I open them, and now we're at McDonalds. We're so close, my McDouble dreams are coming true. I place my order, get my burger, take several bites so big I finish nearly half the sandwhich at once. No ketchup. I wander the store, find a ketchup bottle on a shelf, douse my burger, take some more bites. Perfect.
I sit at a long table, my mother to my right, the people from the party filling the other seats. Soon we are all eating chocolate covered strawberries, which are much tastier than the burger. My mother and I fight about my unhealthy eating habits, but I tell her this is a dream and I can eat whatever I like. She leaves.
I wake up for the final time.
During one of the times I woke up, I had my usual false awakening during which I thought I was writing in my DJ, only to wake up and find out that never happened. This occurs at least once every night.

In the dream, my mom is complaining about how dirty the van is, as she starts wiping down the upholstery and around the dashboard..apparently was left a mess after some previews trip, according to her.
This van reminds me of the one we used to have in NJ., a 1972 Ford!, a heavy-duty mechanic steering wheel, a real workout!...back to the subject, I sat on the passenger seat, and of course my mom is driving. ( , my mom doesn't drive until this day. IWL). As she starts driving, I see at the distance, a huge bridge, more like the George W. B. This bridge is only 3 wide lanes, and the floor is wooden boards ??! and mom takes the middle.
I start noticing there are missing boards on the bridge, and the tension starts to build up inside me.
Then I feel couple of bumps here and there, we're not going too fast, about 30 to 40 mph. The gaps between the wooden boards are getting bigger and bigger, now I'm really tense.. Then my attention gets fixed on how we will be able to make it through an incoming gap, about 1 foot wide; so now I feel we're stuck... I look in front, there aren't any boards on all three lanes, only some type of iron rails dividing them , but I could glance at what it seems the other side of the bridge; one or two-man are standing couple hundred feet apart from us..
We're hanging in the bridge, so desperate need, my mom goes on reverse (well, my intention goes R..)
Mom steps on the gas with no hesitation..all the way! I start thinking shit! the incoming traffic, I see cars zooming by, we're recklessly driving on R. to where the bridge started and beyond..
We finally slow down after about half mile. My vision and perception zooms in and out of the van, video camera like, I see cars fast and slow-motion simultaneously, trafic is coming as close as 12 in. apart..
Next thing I know, the police arrives with multiple cars, I think cameras on the bridge must have seen that scene
A female accompanied by other two police officers approach us calmly by the side of the road, and I see no guns out. Then mom says: " I want to report to that officer, I trust that one!" (nothing personal).. I raise my hands up behind my head, submissively
My sister and my aunt arrive to the scene, as Im signing some card. I noticed my signature blurs out as I write.

A semi-lucid I had the other night, I was on a street close to the clubhouse in my childhood neighborhood, there was a dialogue going on but I interjected and said "this is a dream" and then the dream exploded into vividness, I started to try to stabilize the dream, I rubbed my hands together, I said "three plus three is..." and there was a slight pause in the dream then I said "six", I looked forwards and feared that the dream was going to wobble and collapse but I did something I don't normally do and I spun around to stabilize the dream, I remember vividly trying to stay conscious to keep the lucid dream alive, earlier in the dream I had become vivid and feared I was going to become too excited to pop the dream but it didn't end at that point.

I was outside with my mom, the dream scene was on a slope against a coast. My mom and I were picking in the grass, there had been some sort of item that had exposed a group of drugs and my mom was on the case, I was acting innocent like I'd never seen it, I threw the object onto the ground and my mom went on to the ground to see it, we were both now on the ground looking at what was originally a small object of drugs turned into a row of acid and molly, while I'm looking at this on the ground with my mom I see a girl from my high school Ol in a lawn chair against the house shuffling back and forth, she eventually gets up, she turns into my older sister, my view turns towards the ocean, I'm wearing a cape, the wind catches my cape and I'm flying down the slope towards the ocean, I think I may land hard but I fly upwards before landing harshly and I land in the ocean beyond the markers, and now I'm swimming towards the shore towards other people who are within the markers.

I had a class at either 9:30 or 9:45 am, so I rushed out of the house. I was late and didn't make it until 10:30,
so I decided to skip for the day and head home. When I got back my Mom was sitting on the porch because she
got locked out of the house.

Was on a vacation at a hotel. Mom was there. I knew she was going to die in a few months and so did she. She said that she was really glad that we got to spend this time together and that I was able to appreciate her.

I don't remember many details about hanging out with her but the memory has a positive tone.

--

On a bus I sat between two girls. I was inches away from one of the girls faces and was extremely uncomfortable. She on the other hand did not seem bothered. It sounded like they were speaking a foreign language. At one point I said "sorry".

--

I was at a baseball game from middle school in the outfield. There were about 20 outfielders and I ran out there to join them. The outfield stretched enlessly back and at some point evolved into the grass of a music festival. Someone said to me "I can't believe you took acid during the game". This shook me because I did not remember taking any acid. At that moment someone hit a fly ball to me. As the ball soared in the air and I reached my glove out, the sky started splitting and changing colors. The ball seemed to be coming from multiple angles simultaneously. I kept running and running until I ran into a huge crowd of people. There was music playing and it sounded distorted but pleasant. I found a fancy bathroom which had marble (and I should have called bullshit at this point cause their an't no marble bathrooms at a music festival) I tried to collect myself. I thought "your mom came out here to see you play baseball" That sobered me right up and I attempted to leave the festival and head back to the game.

--

I never made it out of the festival though because the festival morphed into some weird bob sledding course made out of mud. At the top of a hill, someone was handing out sombreros to be used as a sled. I took mine and put my ass right over the top part of it. The run was really intense. Even though I was going down hill, people were racing past me in the opposite direction. I veered to the left to avoid a collision and then I cannot remember anymore.

A few dreams though I only remember bits of them.

---

Dream Fragment:

I remember being in a somewhat dark room and having a discussion with some people about age, in the dream I was around an age when my hair would start greying, starting at the front and just lightly. Mom was there and she commented on how it was just like her dad's hair. I remembered a photo of him that mom has kept in her home office for years since his passing. Then I remember seeing a mirror and seeing myself on it. I looked older but unimaginatively so, but my hair did look a lot like his, except for the fact that his would have curled slightly.

Dream Fragment:

Perhaps from another segment of the previous dream, but I remember something about trains and a kind of alien (Mars-like?) desert. Day time, clear sky. There were some really high-tech-looking trains and one such train went up a hill into a rounded futuristic building. I was with a group of people (friends?) and we were walking in the opposite direction, though I kept looking. The engine carriage separated and sort of shot off on its own along the rails and quickly hit an end-track bit, bouncing back and then hitting the rest of the carriages. It was some type of freight train, and its ornamental features matched that of the building, featuring a warm orange.

Dream Fragment:

Something about me or captain Picard, in a large office room of some kind. Other people both friendly and not-so-friendly were there, and we were there to ask for money I think. Starting at 30,000 but then the guy didn't want to give us any more, so then there was this little scene where Picard walked closer to him slowly and then started punching him very fast until the guy, who was also kind of old, fell down on a spiral staircase. He didn't go all the way down or anything, just a couple of steps on his back, because the degree between each step was very small (less than half foot?).

The staircase steps were marble and the handrail looked fancy, but I don't remember it in detail. I remember a woman speaking after this had happened and she said "well, now you have 25,000, since you have to take away 5,000 just for that". But then before the dream ended there was something about a million, I don't remember.

---

Notes:
- Recently in waking life I'd been thinking about how I don't really ever remember seeing mirrors in my dreams, so I think that's partly what brought on one's appearance in the first fragment.
- Typically, despite being the result of a previous conscious thought during wakefulness, I did not realise the connection between the two things in the dream. This is happening quite a bit lately, which is frustrating at times. But it may just be that my recall is also decent lately, so maybe I just think I notice it happening more but it may just always happen this frequently and I haven't realised before.
- Featuring myself as being older may also come as the result of conscious thought from waking life, as I often question why I'm always my current age in dreams. Although in the dream, until the hair thing was made obvious by the mirror, I did just feel like my current age anyway.
- In the train dream, the group that was with me was a bit shocked with the collision, but I had been expecting it. The dream had a slight Borderlands feel to it.
- There was a fourth dream fragment also involving trains but in a completely different context. I can't put the visuals into words now.
- The dream with Picard may have just been some continuation of the first fragment. I'm really not sure anymore if these dreams were directly linked or not, because I don't remember any transitions and I had several awakenings this morning.

I had another car dream last night after not having any for several nights.

When the dream started last night, I was in the car by myself buckled to the front middle seat waiting for my mom and sister to come out and get in the car. I almost immediately noticed that something smelled really bad in the car, but couldn't figure out what it was. I kept looking around trying to figure it out. I finally convinced myself that it was some of the stuff that was occupying the back seat that was causing the smell.

When my little sister came out and sat down in the passenger seat next to me, she immediately noticed that something stunk after she closed her door and buckled her seatbelt. She kept talking about is and accusing me of tooting in the car. I kept trying to convince her that the car smelled bad as soon as I got in and that it was something it the back seat that we were smelling. She just kept accusing me of tooting in the car and kept telling me how gross it was. If there was anything that smelled worse than the car it was her breath which reeked like it always did. To try to get on my nerves while we waited for mom to come out she kept putting her head on my shoulder and her tan sandals on the glove box to show me how much more room she had than me. While we continued to wait in the car for mom, she kept alternating talking about the bad smell in the car, her having the window seat, and us waiting for mom to come out. I finally had enough of listening to her and getting whiffs of her putrid breath and turned my body to focus on the empty drivers seat, the tan steering wheel and gauges on the dash, and the back door to our house where mom was nowhere to be seen.

After waiting in the car for what seemed like a miserable eternity, I finally hear my sister say here come mom while I was focusing on the tan vinyl driver seat. I turned and saw mom at the back door going through her purse to find her keys which seemed to take forever. She finally found then and locked the back door and then walked towards the car.

When she got to the driver side door, she fumbled through her purse again for a while looking for the car keys and then finally found them and then opened the driver side door and sat down in the driver seat on my other side. While she was getting all of the mirrors adjusted, she also noticed the car stunk. My sister immediately told her I had been tooting. I denied it and tied to explain to mom that I had not been tooting and it was something in the car that smelled. I got a whiff of moms breath while she was getting on me and it was just as bad as my sisters breath had been.

Mom finally got done adjusting the mirrors and then put the key in the ignition and turned it to start the car. the car didn't start-up and instead the dash was full of red lights and there was the annoying buzzing sound. Mom kept turning the key, but each time, there was the red lights and buzzing sound rather than the car starting up. Mom eventually started pumping the accelerator before each try turning the key, but it didn't do any good all that happened was there were the red lights and buzzing sound instead of the engine starting.

After several more times pumping the accelerator and turning the key, mom decided she should get out and look under the hood. I asked her if I could get out and she snapped at me, getting in my face telling me that I needed to calm down; that it was her job to get the car started and mine to stay bucked in my seat and stay calm; that she would get the car started; and that she promised that I would not like what would happen if I took my seatbelt off. As she continued to get on me, I again noticed how bad her breath smelled.

While my sister and I waited in the car while mom looked under the hood, my sister kept putting her head on my shoulder and then trying to put her arm around me. I kept trying to move away from her because I really did not like the way she was invading my space and keep getting whiffs of her breath even though I was trying to ignore us. It seemed like mom was taking for ever looking under the hood.

Finally, I saw mom closing the hood and then walking towards the driver side door. When she was opening it, I moved my body back to the middle to give her room. As she was sitting down in the driver seat, I felt my shoe brush against my sisters leg and then heard her scream really loud. I then found out the smell in the car was dog poop that I had stepped in and that I got some on my sisters leg.

My sister and I got out of the car so she could clean her leg and I could clean off my shoe.

I woke-up from the dream while I was out in the yard trying to clean the dog poop off of my shoe.

Two or three dreams. Initially didn't hold on to details so recall is a bit fuzzy overall.

---

Dream Fragment:

I was in dad's scenic, sat at the back. Someone else, too, maybe my sibling T? Mom was on the drivers seat, which was on the wrong side for the car.

We're in the middle of some city. It feels like a familiar place but doesn't seem to be anywhere specific; it's sunny and I remember green trees. We're close to some parking spaces. Mom gets a call on her phone and has to take it so for some reason she gets out of the car.

I step out too and with a gesture suggest that I can park the car. She gestures back a "sure, whatever", obviously concentrating on the conversation on the phone; I then get in the driver's side.

At first I drive forward a bit and then start reversing and turning into one of these parking spaces that was free next to some other parked cars. I get it nearly right, smack in the middle on the first try but I remember feeling the pedals and that reversing felt a bit jerky, so I tried to take care. Still, I managed to let it jerk at the end of manoeuvring, making the back hit a stone wall that ran along behind the parking spaces. I could feel it was a small impact and only the plastic bumper would have touched the wall.

Then dad appeared, walking across the front and commenting something? I sort of proudly told him about how I did or something.

Dream Fragment:

Some other dream. I remember being at my old home, in my former room. It's dark, the curtains are closed. I'm uncertain about what version of room layout this is in the dream. I was looking at texts on a phone, my first phone maybe? It was a red phone. I am my current age, however.

I was checking a text from my childhood and school friend, Di. Looking back on texts before his reply, I had apparently messaged him, ages ago.

He was now finally replying, saying he was sorry, but that he was now pan sexual or something. That didn't make much sense on its own, but I understood it to mean that he had become trans (similar sound?). Further, he said that he wouldn't be able to meet with me [ever again] because of [two letter acronym?].

I forget the rest of the text exactly but I remember feeling disappointed somehow. I had a number of passing thoughts about potential replies I could give, or whether it would be worth bothering at all. Other passing thoughts about how I used to remember him, and about how I could mention some funny memories in a text reply.

Dream Fragment:

There was a third dream but even though it was the last one, I don't really remember anything except that it was a city-building sim game of some kind.

---

Notes:

- In the second dream, I remember I felt overall sad and disappointed. I was happy that my friend had moved on or something, but I suppose I've never really let go of how our relationship as friends just evaporated over a number of years, for no special reason that I was ever able to discern.
- In the first dream, while mom did use to drive, that was years ago before I was born. My mom hasn't driven since then at the very least.
- Mom's distraction with the phone somehow feels related to how she's been behaving lately when she speaks to me on the phone; it's not that she's distracted from me, it's more that she's distracting herself. Some element of worry present here.
- I and H have been playing a city-building game quite a bit lately, which is probably what the third dream was based on.

After a break of several weeks, the car dream has returned this week. I spend some time dealing with some issues regarding my fathers estate over the weekend, and expect this is what has caused the dream to come back.

As in earlier instances, the dream starts with me waiting in my grandads old reliant in my parents driveway for my sister and mom. I am in the middle of the front tan vinyl bench seat and have the tan lap belt fastened around my waist.

My younger sister is opening the passenger side door and sitting down in the passenger seat next to me not long after the dream starts. She is wearing the same red overalls and tan sandals she always wears. After sitting down in the passenger seat, she closes the door and then fastens the tan shoulder belt.

My sister and me then spend a really long time waiting from mom to come out of the house and get in the car. My sister keeps trying to talk to me, but I keep trying to avoid her because her breath is putrid. She also keeps putting her head on my shoulder to try to get my attention. I just want mom to come out of the house and get in the reliant so we can go. She is nowhere to be seen though, and I am stuck waiting in the car with my sister.

Finally, I look towards the house and see mom locking the door. She then walks towards the reliant and then fumbles through her purse for the keys when she gets to the driver side door. When she finally finds the keys, she unlocks the driver side door and then opens it and sits down in the empty driver seat on my other side. I feel really squished and trapped between my mom and sister while mom adjusts all of the mirrors.

When mom finally has all of the mirrors adjusted how she wants them, the turns the key in the ignition to start the reliant. The car makes a few groans but doesn't start up. Instead, the groan of the engine trying to start is replaced by a buzzing sound and the dash is illuminated with red lights. Mom turns the key a few more times, but each time the engine doesn't start and I see the red lights and hear the buzzing sound.

After a few failed cranks, mon stops tying to tell me I need to calm down. She tells me she is doing the best she can and she will get the car started.. I noticed her breath is worse than my sisters when she is taking to me about needing to calm down. She then starts pumping the accelerator and turning the key, but each crank still ends with the buzzing sound and red lights.

She eventually decides to get out and look under the hood. Before getting out, she again tells me I need to calm down. When I ask if I can get out, she tells me I need to keep my seat belt on.

I feel really trapped while she is out of the car because I am still buckled to the middle seat and my sister is still next to me invading my space. We wait in the car for a while.

Mom eventually closes the hood and then gets back into the reliant. She starts pumping the accelerator and then tries turning the key, but again the car doesn't start and there is just the buzzing sound and red lights. She keeps pumping the accelerator and truing turning the key, but the reliant sill fails to start and I hear the buzzing sound and see the red lights. After a few more cranks, mom again gets after me about needing to calm down and I smell her breath again. I have no idea why she keeps getting after me, because I think I am being calm and not saying anything to her.

I wake up from the dream while mom is getting after me about needing to be calm before she tries again to star the reliant.