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Morning of March 24, 2020. Tuesday.

Dream #: 19,454-02. Reading time: 2 min 40 sec.



Surreal distortions and unique false memory constructs integrate with the routine dreaming processes in the standard order, with mostly a passive narrative (predictable preconscious eluding) with typical virtual amnesia. My waking-life identity meanders in and out in this exceptionally long dreaming experience. Instinctual summoning is a factor, but it never emerges into full lucidity, only liminality in the last scene.

In the first scene, I am at the false location of La Crosse at the Loomis Street house. The house to its right (also on Loomis Street) when viewed from the street, is fictitiously inhabited by Earl (half-brother on my mother’s side; deceased). Bob (brother-in-law; recently deceased) is present in his house. (I have no recall of their deaths.)

I walk several blocks south of Loomis Street (on Sill Street) when I become annoyed at two homeless men walking around in (and possibly living in) my dumpster (that is otherwise mostly empty). At this point, I am aware of Zsuzsanna being to my left. Unknown people are with us. I tell the homeless men to leave, but one of them pushes a big concrete slab against the door, so it cannot be opened (even though dumpsters do not have entry doors like this in real life). I become angrier and tell them that there are shelters for homeless people. They do not seem to want to listen to me as I repeat myself several times.

Wall mediation (second stage) becomes viable with a chain-link fence defining the division between dream space and potential liminality (with similar processing dynamics as “An Unexpected Late Night Visit” from March 17). The homeless men are now in someone’s front yard on the other side of the fence. I summon a gun and shoot one of them. He somehow becomes embedded in the fence. I shoot at the other male, but the bullet gets stuck in the fence and does not reach him. (In the March 17 dream, I was in our present home with a sleep-wake mediator outside of our fence. Earlier, I deliberately hung a scarecrow on the fence. Also, I threatened to use a gun but did not.)

Processing dynamics and instinctual elements meander, and as a result, I suddenly consider I may have committed a crime. I walk briskly with Zsuzsanna and the unknown people east down Sill Street to be out of sight in case the police arrive. I had left the gun behind and suddenly consider my fingerprints might have been on it. I return to the invalid construct of the houses on Loomis Street. Even though Bob and Earl are still standing around, the houses are missing. Only sunken foundations are left. I decide to run to the King Street mansion with the expectation of a portal in the middle room on the east side (second floor). My waking-life identity is gone again.

After going through the portal in the big closet nearest the entry door, I am technically in the same world but phased to be invisible and intangible. I walk past police who are talking to the King Street landlady. They ask her about my whereabouts and in what organizations I had been. I fly and phase through buildings, going north.

Instinct triggers typical subliminal awareness of being in bed. I find myself on the side of a mountain with an unknown female (probably Zsuzsanna in my absent waking-life identity). I am under a blanket with her as she sleeps. She rolls over and seems to see me, and I am somewhat surprised. “Oh, you can see me?” I ask.

---

In a vivid offset dream, I am high above an unknown city. Instead of flying, I leap about ten feet from one ledge to another (along its length) and kick over small stacks of books that are in my way so that most fall from the narrow walkway. There does not seem to be enough imaginary proprioception or emerging physical awareness to trigger a myoclonic jerk as otherwise near the beginning of every sleep cycle.

---

I am at work with Laynie, though this place looks completely different. It is two stories and mostly an atrium space. It seems that the mezzanine floor branches off into the shopping spaces. There are sets of double doors to the outside right below the mezzanine floor. We are interrupted by me noticing a known shoplifter coming in the doors. He is carrying a bag and dragging another rolling one, and I recognize him as one of the two guys that gets a few pairs of Levi’s every few days. I think we just wait to see what he does and then lose him for a bit (it’s fairly busy in here). When he reappears, he is on the ground floor, bag a little fuller, heading for the doors. I start sliding down some wide, green pole type thing. He starts to double back so I hesitate and then finish sliding down when he starts back for the doors. I guess I don’t feel like stopping him but just getting a plate. He glances around before going out right behind a small group, going off at the doors. I think he notices me going out right behind him, but probably thinks I’m just a customer. I take out my phone and call Laynie but it is Dad who answers. I only pay a little bit of attention to the conversation as I’m watching the guy meet up with the other outside of a white van. I think it has Arizona plates, and I can’t memorize it without drawing too much attention to myself. I keep walking past it to blend in and notice two vans to my right. They both have Grateful Dead stickers and are parked close together; I think they must be together. The cars have thinned out by this point and I stop walking. I stand for a little and then head back. The white van starts pulling out and I think I’ll get a great look at the plate, until it turns and starts coming this way, the wrong way (with no front plate). The man driving it has tan skin and scruff and is either bald or has very short hair. He glances at me as he passes and I wonder if he’s seen me before and recognizes me. I now see the other guy walking away from a maroon car. He has a backpack on and is going back into the mall. I just about step in front of a taxi in the road, but he sees me, stops, and waves me forward. I wave back, slightly self conscious of being on the phone and not paying attention. I hang up and meet up with Laynie inside. We, and quite a few other people, are on the second floor, sitting. We are sitting in what almost feels like bus seats arranged in a circle or half circle around the mezzanine/atrium. Two younger, Hispanic guys in grey/darker hoodies and beanies arrive, and one starts shooting off a handgun. There are windows next to our seats, which he shoots out. I think he is shooting above heads to scare, but I don’t rule out the possibility of him shooting to injure or kill. I listen to the shots ring out, more than there should be in a pistol’s magazine. He makes his way back this way and I brace for the possibility of getting shot. He announces that this is because the two men thought they noticed someone following them. I genuinely think that must’ve been someone other than me. He says something about a Hyundai and then trails off, probably realizing it wasn’t smart to give away the make of car. He seems like he is being made to do this. I think the world, and now even this town, is becoming a scary place.

recall was terrible as usual this week.

Jamie 1

Just a flash of Jamie crying really hard. Like face in hands. Been there... The night before she left, ouch. Hope my dreams aren't too psychic about this and hope she's okay. I also hope I didn't cause that somehow...

Jamie 2

Can't remember what happened just that her presence was there.

Road

I just remember being lost on a road, I hitched a ride from a lady driving a bus. I said we had to pick up my backpack or something, and suddenly we were in a city looking for it.


Scary

Dreamed that a manager pulled a gun on me at work when i didn't want to do what he said. I ran out screaming and went to another place from the same franchise. I wanted to get him fired. Why didn't I just call the police.

Netflix commendation: Horse Girl.

If Jamie reads these, keep sending good vibes. I appreciate them.

Dreams weren't as good this week. I remember some more dreams but they faded from memory quick.

Jamie

A dream we were at a restaurant. we were clasping our hands over a table as if we had just decided something. that or i was proposing something and she said, "yes." The feeling was happy and exciting. That's all.

Dog

Was walking my dog through a forest. He actually started talking to me. He said he was walking funny because the ground was poisoned so I should be careful where I walk him.

Guns

I was in a house with someone. Another guy broke in with a gun. The other guy said for me to put my gun down or something because it was going to cause a legal issue. I did and my friend shot the intruder from behind.

I wish I remembered more...

Had 4 Lucid dreams, it was lit.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid false awakening

In London visiting a friend. On arrival I see 2 triple rainbows and I do my best to photograph it, but only catch the first one already fading. Many people are watching the phenomenon, halting their cars on the road, also taking pics. As I wonder looking for a better spot to take the best shot, I get lost to a very rich and high tech zone, where basically people live and work inside a huge compound. Cars even go inside and roads cross through these humongous building. Some people never even have to go out for anything. It is completely segregated from the outside world. I don't even know how I managed to got inside but I don't ever leave a secondary area, which is basically a technical service area and access to parking. Soon I find an exit and I am on my way to meet my friends. Zilla is already with our London friend and we go to the subway. My friend was summoned by her boss and she believes she is going to be fired. But she hates his guts, he has treated her very very abusively and she wants to defend herself and maybe tell him some truths she's been keeping to herself. And for that she asks for our backup.
We are outside the door of his office, but we can hear their meeting as it goes and the dude is disgusting. She tries to defend herself but clearly he is determined to get rid of her and comes up with a lot of insults and shitty lying arguments. Then he becomes aggressive, calls her names and we can't take it anymore, so we barge in and I push him and slap him. He fights back so I beat the crap out of him. He says he is going to call the cops and present charges and say we assaulted him. But I am carrying a gun in my back pocket, not sure where I got it and I point it at him. I say we came with the intention to use it, but we were being nice and all, so I suggest he just calls it a day. He is panicking and promises not to tell a word if we just go. We go and my friend is like "are you crazy?" But very thankful. Later on, randomly, we see the same guy sitting at some diner and we notice that the server seems a bit crazy or is also taking revenge on him, so we observe the scene. He asks for pizza and a cake and she brings him frozen pizza and a frozen cake. He doesn't seem to understand that and he actually takes a bite of each. He yells mad and the girl doesn't flinch, she continues being a total disaster serving him, touching everything with her hands, spilling juice on him and making a mess. We guess she is actually doing it on purpose.

We were hiding from a gunmen inside a house. I then could hear him entering the rooms near me in till he came to the one I was in. I made a grab for the gun but he slips pass it and backs up quick. I then realize I was dreaming and knew he couldn't hurt me. I change the way he behaved and made him non violent and a little unintelligent. I then walk outside and started chasing after people to scare them away. After that I woke up

I am at 10 Torr for a celebration for one of the cousin’s graduation. This place looks similar, but not exactly the same. It seems to be a little smaller and a bit more homey. It’s still a square room but has more of a kitchen vibe due to the counter and the décor. It also seems to be wrapping up; Aly is behind the counter, putting things away. It seems like nobody is left at this point. I was going to try one more drink, but I’ll be fine without it. Mom is sitting with me at the counter. It looks like it’s going to be closed now, but then a 20-something year old guy shows up behind the bar. It seems they’re now open or regular business. Two girls, maybe in their late 20s or early 30s, are already taking a seat at the bar. The guy looks to them, looking a little disheveled. The girl closer to me starts ordering something with orange/grapefruit juice, but the girl by her completely cuts her off, ordering something with the same juice but a little more specific. The guy doesn’t seem to care; he lets her finish and then turns to the first girl to let her finish. The first girl waits a moment and then makes a snide comment to the other. The guy is now looking to us. I notice two small, empty glasses on the counter in front of us, and it worries me for a moment, making me think for some reason that Mom might have a drink. I ask for ‘just a coffee liqueur and vodka’, oddly self conscious of my voice. Mom orders something kind of specific that I’ve never heard of; it sounds like some kind of mock tail. The drinks come out quickly, and it looks like they’re in small white bowls and not glasses. Mom’s looks like a strawberry ice cream or really frothy strawberry milk topped with whipped cream and a slice of banana. Mine looks like it has cream in it and then it tastes like it does too. When the guy comes back over I assertively but kindly tell him what it was supposed to be, and he fixes it. I now try Mom’, and it does seem nonalcoholic. Her face looks a little sad to me. Melissa has been waiting in a car outside, and I’ve been texting her. She’s being kind of sassy. I’m not sure why she’s just been waiting out there. I look outside and briefly see her and it looks like she’s changed into a pajama shirt.



(fragment) I am outside and climbing/ scrambling around on some granite boulders all together and overlapping one another. I hear Kat? narrating like Jon (or Luke Larson?) is climbing, though it’s definitely just me here. She is sort of talking it up and pointing out the danger of the boulders being right behind you. I am in street shoes and sort of pulling on some holds and playing with different moves. The grainy holds are pretty decent and slightly chalked. I don’t think it’s even completely vertical, and I don’t think it’s all that hard. I think the boulder behind you is close enough that you could put out a leg or arm and stop yourself before you would fall into it. This small boulder field slowly turns into the top of a backyard. I’m standing on top of the smaller boulders with Kat, looking toward the house. There is a small, neat lawn and a few neat trees nearer the house. The house also gives the impression of being neat.



(fragment) I am at work with Laynie and a small group has done a grab and run out of the door 18 emergency exit. We catch up with them in the stairwell. It’s about 3-4 teens or preteens. One of the girls is reminiscent of the blond 13 year old girl that was taking pictures of herself doing gang signs. She sort of talks back, but ultimately we are in control. We are being hard on them but they seem to not get it. I think we have them out in the parking lot.



(fragment) I’m with Scott and Tyson? downtown when they see something going on through a hotel room. We are going to go in to see what’s going on. These hotel rooms seem to be in an overpass that we are walking under. I don’t like not being able to see and not really know what’s going on. I think it has to do with a shooting or someone with a gun.

I was walking along side my cousin and was showing her around the area. My captain at work was behind me for some reason and told me to follow him as he had something important he wanted to show me. I look back to my cousin and wave bye to her as I told her to go back home. As I am following my captain we enter an abandon warehouse and I notice only one light was lit. This look wrong to me and I began to enter a flight or fight mode. That's when a man in a hoodie and wearing a protection glow vest came out from the shadows. He held two guns both in each of his arms. Pointed at me and my captain. I look around for an exit and ran. I bust down through one of the doors and jump off a building not sure where I would land. I woke up from a nightmare and found myself unable to move on my bed. I notice everything in my room was darker than normal. And my bed was at the end corner of the wall. My eyes look up at the ceiling and my mouth was then force open completely by an unknown force.I became lucid and I started trying to close my mouth to no avail. Then the blankets around my neck started tightening. It began to crush my throat and I felt myself having trouble to breathe. I began choking in till I woke up again.

I have gone into a building for some sort of surprise party for me. It seems like a restaurant that has been reserved, just one big room. There is a man guiding proceedings as people show up. Melissa and Makayla are here, seated at the long, wood tables, their coats draped over the back of their chairs. Now, about ten people are here, and everything has been moved back against the walls. At the front of the room is a smaller wooden stage. It is very plain. Everyone stands in a circle in the floor space in front of it. I get the impression that we’re going to be running in a circle and jumping/doing tricks off the stage, but we don’t. I think we’ve been waiting for food too, but it never came. The group now moves down a hallway, and the place looks like an elementary school. I pass inlets in the wall that have some windows and rows of desks. There are pictures and things on the hallway walls that are all Hawaiian themed, i.e. Hawaiian history, that makes me think this may be in Hawaii. We end up in a computer lab and seated again. I think we’re waiting for food, and again it never comes. A guy with light brown skin comments that this event is only a few hours and ending soon, not giving us time for everything. In my head I envision a three hour block? starting at 7pm and us being a majority of the way through it. I now go over to a sink in a counter against the wall (like high school science classrooms). There is a chunk of ice protruding from it. The ice doesn’t seem solid, but more so shaved but still compacted together. I run some water over the section under the faucet, inciting it to start to melt. I think Bird Song is playing from my phone during this. It then occurs to me that I’m pretty sure that this is our food thawing out. This room has now transitioned into an unfamiliar kitchen in a house. It looks pretty nice and clean, marbled earth tone counters, stainless steel, and darker wood cabinets, I think. (As I write this, it reminds me of Scott and Kelly’s old kitchen). Renee and Kelly are here, one seated and one milling around, and they tell me happy birthday. Renee says she can now get me a glass of wine (as if it’s my 21st). I nicely say “Oh… you don’t have to”, but I’m willing to let her just to be polite. I start looking for white wine (as if it’s my place) and look all over but do not find any. I’m thinking that they might also want to have some. I end up in a different room of the same house, by Linda, who’s seated at a dark wood table. She starts asking about my favorite red wine, isn’t it a blend? I recall what she’s talking about, another get together/celebration where I had/brought different wines. I offer a non committal reply of either ‘I don’t know’ or ‘I don’t remember’. I think that if my favorite was a blend that it isn’t now. I see she has a personal bottle - the dark label says it’s a Lodi Zinfandel. She’s now asking didn’t I throw up at that event, but phrasing it more gently. Dad is here and inquiring the same thing. I again offer a dismissive reply, though I do remember throwing up then (*This event/scenario did not happen in real life). I pass some people what don’t have drinks and think that I should go to the store really quick for some wine. In another room now, there is a record playing on a smaller turntable on the brown-carpeted ground in the corner. The song sounds familiar. It then ends, and I go over to put it away, even though I think that was just side one. I think it’s the Cranberries or Zombies? (*Though I wake up with Heartbreaker by Pat Benatar stuck in my head). The cover is a dark green with the band name in large letters taking up a good amount of space. It’s at an angle. I think there’s a band photo on the back. I take the record off the platter; it’s a marbled dark green and very flimsy. I slip it into its anti-static sleeve. I now leave, driving to wherever I’m going. I end up at an elementary school that I think is right by another elementary school. I park and walk in the fairly large entry way. The foyer is filled with the black retractable crowd controllers that lead up to metal detectors. There’s a darker skinned younger lady at a counter beside the detectors. Two guys about my age are turning around willingly. I see they both are casually carrying handguns. One has slightly long and stringy dirty blond hair with a messy middle part and thin-rimmed glasses. I think his shirt is tucked, revealing a black holster on his belt. He is not attractive but not completely unattractive. He somehow seems genuine, yet aloof. He honestly looks the type to get unfairly made fun of. Seeing this causes me to pat my pockets. I feel some hard objects in the jean pockets, but nothing I’d get in trouble for. I continue on, past the metal detectors. The enormity of this place is revealed as I walk through this hallway. There is no way it can be a school it’s so big. I can’t see an end to the hallway. Besides the size, the appearance is not of a school either. Everything is ornate and looks more like an upscale shopping mall. The walls appear to be white marble or something similar, with subtle niches and rococo. There are vendor carts set up in the middle of the walkway as well. Even they seem classy and opulent. I think the places set into the walls are shops and restaurants. There are quite a few others walking through here. The place has now transitioned into outdoors. I am following a slight grassy ravine with surrounding grassy hills. There are smaller, wispy trees and grasses, all very green. There’s possibly a trickle of water running through here. Dad calls me now and asks where I went, his tone suggesting it rude that I just left. I tell him I’m picking something up from the store and will be right back. His tone then changes as he tells me that there’s some light or other activity going on in the night sky. I look up and can see it. I’m not sure if it’s exactly what he’s referencing, but I see brighter circles of light that are close together and moving. There’s also a splotch of a green hue higher up in the sky. I also notice the Milky Way, probably the densest I have ever seen it appear, and it is absolutely awe inspiring. I have to spend a few moments just staring. It’s so bright that it seems to illuminate the night sky. It’s also currently parallel with this ravine. Off to the right, there’s a group or two of people sitting on a taller hill, also looking to the sky. I start walking back now, and it’s daylight again. Dad is with me. I think a dog is with us as well, because I throw a toy. The toy hits and knocks over a small statue of a boy on a slightly overgrown pedestal. The 1-2 foot tall statue was in a row of other statue children, all in antiquated clothing.

Morning of October 14, 2018. Sunday.

Dream #: 18,927-02. Reading time: 3 min 54 sec. Readability score: 69.

Note that Linda is not Linda in this dream. (See notes after main entry.)



In my dream, I am going to an amusement arcade in southside La Crosse with my niece, Linda. I am at the Loomis Street house. It is late at night, about fifteen minutes before midnight. It seems we will spend about an hour there and get the bus back to the Loomis Street house at about fifteen past one in the morning.

It seems we had walked north through the Loomis Street alley, as we are then walking east on Gillette Street to go to the Loomis and Gillette bus stop. I am puzzled as to why we are going somewhere so late at night for only about an hour or less of video game play. I check my right pants pocket to feel several American quarters (at least eight) and a few other coins, and I consider I may have enough for the bus trips and a few video games. (There is augmented tangibility at this point.)

As we arrive at the intersection, almost to the bus stop, my dream resets. Linda and I are now crossing from the east side of the street opposite the Loomis Street house. It is also early afternoon now.

An unfamiliar man is walking (on the west side of Loomis Street) with another man who is also unknown. They are both in their thirties. He is holding a gun to the other man’s head as they walk. The man holding the gun is on the other man’s right. The situation makes me wary, but we keep walking in front of them after we cross to their side (rather than avoiding them), heading to the same bus stop as in the previous scene. I briefly consider that we may be in danger, but that does not seem to be the case, as the man with the gun does not seem interested in us even as potential witnesses who could identify him later. As we get to the intersection, my dream resets for the second time (again, without triggering dream state recognition).

Linda and I are now about three blocks north of Loomis and Gillette in a (fictitious) commercial district and walking south on the west side of Loomis Street. It is afternoon. I am thinking about whether it would be worth it to be at the amusement arcade for only a short time. I am still erroneously considering the midnight to one o'clock span even though it is daylight. I am now wearing a hooded sweater with big pockets.

I decide that I should have a gun, as the man in the previous scene had a gun and I do not want to take any chances. I create a revolver in the right pocket of my hooded sweater (without lucidity). A policeman is in the area, though remains behind us. As I walk, the revolver, as I am holding it within the pocket, somehow comes out of the pocket and is at my side for a short time. As I continue, my arms swing with my gait in an exaggerated manner. I briefly ponder upon whether people will think I had forgotten how to walk correctly or deliberately trying to draw attention. I put my hand back into the pocket. I consider that if the policeman stops me, I will say that it is a 9mm blank firing Jaguar 80. He does not stop me.

As Linda and I walk to Loomis and Gillette from the north to get to the bus stop, my dream resets for the third time. Now we are walking west on the north side of Gillette Street, a few blocks west of the bus stop. (We had reached it before the reset.) She is ahead of me by a few feet and on the right. It is late morning. She is wearing baggy clothes; blue jeans and a pale blue blouse, and this puzzles me as I try to discern her form. She seems about ten years old. My conscious self identity is still not extant, but my dream self’s fictitious mind is losing cohesion, and my dream becomes more abstract in the waking process.

---

[key descriptors]

subliminal ultradian rhythm thread (distorted)

intersection as RAS mediation (three dream resets)

preconscious avatar with a gun

preconsciousness as police activity (reticular formation personification)

coins as emergent consciousness cue (does not work here)

the man with the gun to the other man’s head is counter-processing, that is, potential RAS modulation over my precursory emerging consciousness as the opposite of my dream self paired with a potential reinducer

---

[key ERRORS]

Erroneous discernment of induction simulacrum (Naiad) as my niece Linda when there is not the vaguest resemblance or waking life association. However, this is a result of my current conscious self identity being absent. Ultimately, the simulacrum has nothing to do with Linda (whom I have not seen in real life since 1994) and is a younger manifestation of Zsuzsanna.

Linda never lived at or stayed at the Loomis Street house.

I currently have no interest in playing video games, though when I was much younger, I did go to an amusement arcade in southside La Crosse to play pinball.

Loomis Street 1500 area erroneously continues north as an unfamiliar commercial district.

My dream resets three times (including late night becoming early afternoon) without dream state recognition, not because of failing to “become lucid” by popular definition, but because of the absence of my true conscious self identity. (Note the non-lucid dream control of my creation of the gun.)

My conscious self’s identity, as my dream self is trying to discern the simulacrum in the last scene, remains absent. However, the fact that it is ahead of me and to my right designates its transition from potential reinducer into the emerging consciousness avatar at this point.

---

I am somewhere outside with two familiar others (they feel familiar to me in the dream, though I’m not sure who they really are). The area seems to be dry, open and flat, and desolate. Two cars are parked right next to each other, and there is a man beside one of them (I want to say he looks like the guy with dark hair from Jurassic Park - I look him up right now and confirm I’m thinking of Jeff Goldblum, also thinking that I saw a picture of a man that looks like him yesterday). We are behind this other car and for some reason engaged in a gunfight with this man. I think I have the only other pistol - the other being his. I’ve shot a few rounds towards him, when the slider automatically locks itself in a cocked position, exposing the shiny silver barrel and pronouncing itself out of ammunition. I start to fear, until one of the others tosses me a single bullet. This reinvigorates me, and with certainty I proclaim “I’m going to kill him.” I raise up after loading and I think I only hit him in the leg. He ends up running away. We end up tracking him down to a house. We are in a cul-de-sac, though a fairly long one (with maybe 10 houses). It and its average looking suburban houses seem proportionate but subtly colossal. It is dim, as if twilight. I go to the other side of the street and try to conceal myself somewhat up against a house in which it seems there is nobody home. There is, however, a white truck backed into the driveway. The shadows here make it seem even darker out. I know that what will ensue will be a fight to the death, and I’m apprehensive and maybe slightly fearful. I imagine someone with a sword fighting me with the intent to kill, and the reality of that makes me uneasy. We know that a house on this street is unlocked, and that he’s sitting in it, waiting for us. From on the dirt, I grab some kind of trowel shaped tool with an edge on it, as well as something else that can be utilized as a weapon. Now, the others are up ahead and they’ve opened the front door. There’s a small stone terrace with 2 stone pillars, past which light from the inside is illuminating the others. They are, with swords, fighting an onslaught of what I can only describe as goblin-like creatures. I think the others are one male and one female. One stands by the door and aims to slice the creatures’ necks, while the other stands at the bottom of the few steps, finishing them off. They have created a substantial pile of bodies. I attack a few that escape the others.

Aug 26 2018

I went to bed at 1:15am and woke at 5:45am. The first dream I remember was an NL. I was in a store at their early morning closing time, and there were only 3 workers present. I was on the frozen aisle. One of them said they would help me once they're done buffing the floors. I waited outside with an umbrella near the open back door of a van (I think they were going to help me load something). After this, I wrote something else in my DJ about a WW bus where I was dying and had to plan my escape. Not sure whether WW stood for WWII or Weight Watchers, both seem equally appropriate.

Before sleeping again I got up and went to bathroom (I find it's easier to return to sleep when I walk around first). Tried to focus on HI and WILD, but no success yet. Ended up MILDing with mantra "I will be lucid in my next dream".

Next time I woke was 7:35am. I had just had a long NL with a huge cast of DCs (was a family reuinion/party). I was hanging out with one of the non-family guests who I didn't know. For some reason it seemed like my family would or should have been angry at me for doing this, but they weren't. The dream transformed slightly and instead of being in my childhood home, I was in someone else's large house (I think I remember this house from a work party my Mom brought me to as a kid). I was now in a hallway that seemed like a bathroom but was filled with people. The doorway connected to the living room. I was speaking to Uncle B, who greeted me but was unusually curt (he's my godfather and is always very warm and talkative IWL). Somehow this triggered me to become lucid.

I looked at my hands and said aloud "I'm dreaming!". I looked at my uncle who had become sort of an expressionless robot (not literally but he looked confused, blank stare, furrowed brows). For some reason I poked him in the chest jokingly. His body turned towards me and he started approaching me menacingly. I felt fear at first, but then a surge of confidence. I put my hand out in front of me and said "You can't hurt me, this is my dream!". His face instantly turned friendly and he leaned back and laughed. He smiled and said "That's right ZAD! Excellent!" and he reached out and hi-fived/shook my hand. I walked around the party for a bit looking at the other DCs. They were all ignoring us and carrying on their own conversations. I don't remember if I lost lucidity or the dream faded, but I awoke after. I had a huge grin on my face when I woke up, it was awesome to have such control of the situation! I've had hostile DCs before and usually they kick me out of my dream, so this was a win for me.

I went to sleep with the same method again, trying WILD then resorting to MILD. The next time I awoke was 8:59am. I remember being in my childhood home on the couch, trying to fall asleep next to my fiance. Earlier my dad had come in and thrown at me making a joke about a roach crawling on it. Within the dream, I was actually trying to WILD! I felt my dream body fall asleep just as my waking body does, and was moving my dream-dream arm (i.e. visualizing the sensation of moving my dream arm without actually moving my dream arm). I kept waking back up and couldn't fall asleep in the dream. I remember being afraid of roaches crawling across my face.

At some point I was able to WILD in my dream -- I latched on to some HI that placed me in the same exact room but without the couch or my fiance. I looked at my hands and became lucid! The room was dark and I felt like I was losing visibility in the dream, so I walked to the light switch unconsciously expecting it not to work. Sure enough, it didn't. I was losing lucidity so I dropped to floor and felt the coolness of the wood with my hands. I also tried to use mirrors to stabilize, but I don't remember even seeing my reflection. I should have transitioned to another dream, but I didn't. I "woke up" in the previous dream and lost lucidity. From this dream I tried to DEILD in the dream, and the HI was really close to completing each time, but never materialized. It would be black and white outlines, with the camera moving in a similar fashion to the opening scene of Ocarnia of Time where the camera follows Navi through the village.

I believe the other dream (me on the couch with fiance trying to fall asleep) continued for a while. At some point the lights turned on and we were watching TV. A tall man in a white shirt and red shorts walked in front of the TV and my fiance asked me for some type of food from the kitchen. I yelled out at him, calling him Rob and asking for the food, but he didn't respond. So again I got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen. At this point I became aware, looked at my hands to confirm, and became lucid. I don't think I said "I'm dreaming" like I usually do, but it was incredibly vivid. I walked towards Rob who was in the kitchen. He had that same furrowed brow and broken robot look about his face (his eyes and mouth looked like they were scribbled in). I approached him since he was standing in the way of the fridge, and he started walking menacingly towards me. I felt confident from my previous encounter, so I simply said "Rob, you were going to get me some "X food", right?" He instantly turned friendly and apologetically let me know that there wasn't any of that here. That was fine since my fiance and the couch had disappeared. I felt his shirt to stabilize -- it was now one of mine, a casual tan button-down. Feeling the texture stabilized the dream. I walked away towards the living room and the layout had changed. The hallway was gone and the curtains took up the entire back wall now. There were also more windows now. I looked out them and when I looked once, they would show night, when I looked again, they would show morning or daylight.

I started losing lucidity, so I turned around and faced the kitchen and curtains (there was no furniture in the living room now). I focused on my breathing. The visuals improved a hundredfold. All of the colors enhanced and felt like I was looking out of a kaleidoscope or a stained glass window -- especially with the curtains, which IWL are very bland. Although the visuals improved, there was a white bar blocking the bottom quarter of my field of vision. I tried to imagine that it was like eye black so I could peel it off, but I couldn't. So instead, I tried to take it out like contact lenses, and my eyes naturally rolled up. This almost caused me to lose lucidity, so I just accepted the white bars for now.

I approached the back-left window and opened it. I imagined that it was light and would slide right up. It did! But it was so light that it easily slid back down. I crawled up (and felt my legs here, something that rarely happens in LDs for me) and put my body through the window, continuously sliding the window up as I went through. I could see that there was an awning coming down from this window, and instead of being ground level, I was four or five stories up. It was a hotel, it reminded me of the Arlington in Hot Springs for some reason. The awning was more like a giant blue tarp, and one corner was tied to my window, the other corner being tied to the ground. I decided I would fly down. Unfortunately I unconsciously doubted myself and as I fell I started losing vision. I tried flapping and that helped a bit, but I ended up landing on my back. The dream almost completely faded, but I sort of DEILD'd (still within the outermost dream) myself back into it.

Now I was on a suburban street where I had landed. There were biggish houses lining the street, and a few houses in front on the right, I saw a man and a wife in a truck, possibly about to back out of the driveway or just arriving back. I manifested Animal Mother's gun from Full Metal Jacket (I think an M60) and started shooting at them. I could see the bullet holes in the cars and buildings, but I didn't hit them. Then I walked over to a group of teenagers on their phones outside a nice house. I pointed the gun at them and told them to get inside. I wanted to kidnap them and see if the police or someone would come to fight me. They sarcastically said "Oh no" and started walking into the house. From here the dream faded pretty quickly. I wrote all this down immediately with a huge grin on my face. I think this last lucid must have lasted at least 1 to 1.5 minutes, which is the longest I've had yet. Overall, awesome night!



*Note: The visuals overall in these lucids were the best I've had yet, but I forgot to enhance my sense of touch! I need to work this into my mantra or my memorized list of steps of things to do once I become lucid. So when I was holding the M60, I was really just positioning my hands as if I was. I actually couldn't feel or see it either, I just believed it was there. I don't think I actually pulled a trigger, I just made sounds with my mouth

**Other note: I think the dreams where I was on my couch was a type of false awakening, just not where I actually was IWL.

***Edit: Forgot to mention that in my last lucid, when I was walking through the living room the second time, I asked aloud "Subconscious, how do I make my dreams longer?", but got no response.

Alright I have had enough of these dreams where I almost get molested by creepy dudes. Is it a subconscious fear I have now? I wonder where the hell it came from because I want it gone.

I was on a lake/ocean in a boat/vehicle. A family member was with me, but then they left for some reason. They said they'd be back soon, but as I was waiting I heard a very disturbing sound beneath me. It sounded like the growl of a large and ancient beast. It sounded similar to this one, with the reverberating breathing. It was loud and made me scared to my core. Anyway, just after I heard the sound the car bumped up a bit. And again it happened. Suddenly the vehicle capsizes. I had opened the window a bit earlier to try to see what had made that noise, but now that I was capsizing I tried to roll the window up but I didn't have enough time. I saw the water coming closer and I took a deep breath. I then fell into the water and dove as far as I could to try to avoid the beast from below. I was not fast enough, and it bit off my leg at the knee. It then circled back and swallowed the rest of me whole. I tried to grab hold of it's mouth just before it swallowed me just so I could know what it was that killed me. It had a long pointed snout and reminded me of a shark. I woke up likely in sleep paralysis. My whole body felt constricted and I thought I was actually dead for a second.

There was more to this one, but basically me and brother were in the middle of nowhere with a semitruck. There was just desert all around. While he wasn't looking I threw gas on everything and then lit the truck and ran for my life. The thing went off like a nuclear bomb. I expected the mushroom cloud and the heat and stuff, but didn't anticipate the flying debris. I just kept running to avoid being chunked down by the flying pieces. It was truly a sight to behold.

My brother driving me through a town I didn't recognize. It was a large city and reminded me of Vegas. It was at night and I saw several fireworks displays going off. As we drove down some winding highways at a decent speed I took in the sights of the various light shows and suddenly my brother tells me to hold on to something. I look forward at the road and it has a large gap with the street continuing after a few feet. We keep our speed and fall right through the hole and find ourselves doing some weird roller coaster of a track designed just for this. It takes the speed and weight of the vehicle and as long as you keep the pedal to the metal, then you will complete the track without injury. This thing was wild. It had loop-de-loops, jumps, falls, the works. I saw a smaller car that failed the loop and ended upside down and crashing to the ground. I felt very scared that our car may end up the same. I got mad at Kris for taking me here, and he said he brings many people here and that it is one of the best attractions in town.

I was playing a battle royal sort of game, with gameplay like fistful of frags (Played the game for hours yesterday). Each game was 100 players. There were several weapons you could use and they were all pretty good. It was so satisfying getting 6+ kills in a row. I was able to escape large groups of people by floating above. I remembered this technique from my past as I could hold my breath and it allows me to fly higher. The group of 5 said I was cheating because they only had melee weapons and couldn't reach me. I said they were cheating for being in such a large group, and that there was no way I could beat all of them when they're grouped like that. I played a few rounds of this. Out of maybe 4 rounds I came in first twice. I recall the last time I played it the remaining 2 enemies besides me were Conan O'Brian and Stephen Colbert. Conan was weaponless and wasn't actually playing. I managed to get Stephen Colbert, but it wasn't easy. I had to attack his head and he kept using a hood to conceal where I could attack. I eventually pinned him to the ground and sliced open his neck. Brutal.

I was at a hotel trying to mind my own business but the people behind and in front of me pressed so close against me they forced me to follow them. I wanted to just leave them alone, but it seemed they were doing this on purpose. I noted the guy behind me was wearing skin tight latex. Not the black kind, but it was red and white. They got me to a floor with nobody around and a guy tried to pull a gun on me while the latex guy advanced toward me and tried to sexually assault me. I fended them off and ran up the stairs as fast as I could. As I rounded a clearing the guy was rounding the clearing in the stairs just below. This continued for 2-3 floors until I stopped and waited for him to catch up. Just as he was about to come into view I swung around the corner and knocked him down the stairs and kept running until the dream ended.

Morning of December 20, 2017. Wednesday.



This dream seems to indirectly stem from another (“Lounge Room Enterprise”), though the setting is now like a movie theater, though with the essence of our lounge room. I still view it as a public place. The time has changed to be more near the evening.

The movie playing is “It’s a Wonderful Life” (from 1946). I am sitting in the second row from the front. As I am watching the movie, I look to my right and see who may be an elderly lady. She reminds me vaguely of my mother (though is not her). Other unknown people are present.

At one point, James Stewart, in the black-and-white scene, partly emerges from the screen, seemingly pointing a gun at someone in the first row, which makes me slightly wary of where I am sitting. I am wondering how real the movie will be.

I decide to move to a different seat and walk to the left to the aisle. I look back, noticing that what I had thought was the female patron is now a big pillow, which was upright in the seat. There seem to be more of them in other areas.

I feel a bit puzzled and begin to wonder if there was supposed to be a gun in that scene. I go back to see that the screen is mostly flat, but again walk back to the left. I find a door that goes into an area behind the screen. I become very puzzled, because I do not realize that a movie is only two-dimensional. There are a couple empty boxes in what seems like a storage area.

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There was no preconscious modulation here when the avatar (Jimmy Stewart) initiated. The precursory event did not seem directed at me. I must have subliminally projected my conscious self identity into another avatar during RAS mediation as is sometimes the case. However, no drama ensued, and I ended up in liminal space (the storage area being autosymbolic of this state as a precursor to waking). The movie theater is autosymbolic of mediating the dream state. The presence of pillows was also a typical dream state indicator.

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Readability score: 73.

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