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non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP


At a contest. First is supposed to be a math contest, but then it turns into a cooking contest. There is a short break for some rest and I go mess with the ingredients in the fridge for the next competition, e.g. I hide the onions of one of my competitors.
And then I just go away, I guess not interested anymore in participating. Instead I am wondering about some personal problems. I am not talking to my best friend and with the friend with whom I just lost virginity but I can't remember who cut communications with whom. Then I come across my best friend and ask her about it bluntly. She is so very surprised, because she thought I was the one giving her a cold shoulder and she didn't know why. I explain her I had seen her in a compromising situation with my boyfriend, and that's when it all started, but she explains it was all a misunderstanding, He just wanted to ask her something personal about me, because he was worried about it. So we hug and forgive. We hug maybe a bit too strongly and we fall on the ground. People start giving us looks and I joke with them saying "yes, we are lesbian!" so then my friend kisses me passionately just to shock them even further. We laugh and then get up and I ask her for help with my boyfriend. She says ok and tells me he has been taking care of our child all by himself since I stopped communicating and I am shocked to know that we have a child (how, if I just lost virginity with him!??). I call him and we clarify things and I run to meet him. He is with his family, who has been helping him take care of our baby. I say I am so sorry and will take if from now on. Then I also feel guilty about that contest that I had left and I call someone to fix the ingredients that I messed with.

I have been coming across this gorgeous hot guy who dresses like an anime fighter and I have been trying to get his attention. Some day I am skating and I bump into him, kind of on purpose, but he doesn't seem upset. I don't force it and I keep skating down the street slowly, to keep up with his pace. and we flirt and smile a little at each other. I keep seeing him around a college campus and I am smitten. But one day I accidentally watch him shoot some people, hitman style and I panic. I run away but think he heard me. I get down to the basement to some gym storage, behind some big mattresses, but they keep slipping and at some point he sees my head. I come out to beg for him not to kill me. He has his gun with a silencer pointed at me, his face is cold and he seems ready to shoot. I tell him he doesn't need to kill me, that I love him and want to be with him, despite what I saw. He seems to be a loner, so I sense that I hit some soft spot a bit. I slowly come closer and he puts the gun down. I stand in front of him and I kiss him. I think I am doing this mostly not to die, but I also don't mind a little action with him cause he really is hot and gorgeous. He lays me down on those mattresses and we start making out. I am super horny. But he kisses like a fish out of the water trying to grasp for some air, it's kinda disgusting. Also, when I touch his pants, he recoils. I don't force it, but hope he just needs some warming up. Except he doesn't really get excited and says he can't and I understand he has some potency problem. He makes a remark saying he finds sex yucky. I don't wanna lose my edge, so I make him feel comfortable saying me too, because of all those bodily fluids and that I just prefer hugging and cuddling. At least he doesn't seem to be thinking of killing me anymore. Then a couple of his friends come by on bikes, one is Jacob from Twilight in leather pants and a vest and he also looks so yummy and the other is some girl. She jumps on the bike with Jake leaving the other one for my assassin guy and he expects me to jump on it with him. I do, but now I am definitely more interested in boinking Jacob.

[18.07.2021]

Roach escape
I am with my mother, caring for my pet roaches. Suddenly, there is thunder outside and, simultaneously, a roach presses itself through a small opening and my mother despairs as is usual with working with such escapists.

[19.07.2021]

Storm
I am at home, laying in bed. I look outside and see that there is a very dark and massive cloud there. Eventually, though, it moves away and I stand up, hoping to take a picture of a potential anvil. Then, I am back in bed and another storm comes around. This time, it does come to lightning here. My mother, who is scared of thunderstorms, says "Oh no.." as lightning impacts somewhere nearby, and the way the thunder sounds makes it sound like that there will be a second thunder that is much louder, but it doesn't come to that, so I comment that it probably wasn't a positive lightning strike.

Transformations
I am at home, somewhere past about 9 pm, using my laptop in the living room, where my mother is sitting as well, using her tablet. Then, I look to the left and see a bat on the wall. First, I comment on how none of us saw that then I put my laptop aside and run away in fear of the bat attacking me, and my mother tells me that they might bite or something like that. I come near the other end of the flat when I somehow grab the bat. For a few seconds, I am standing in a sort of large mansion with a pretty blue color palette used to paint the inside with the bat in my hand. Then I am back home, trying to handle the bat without it biting me. I think about killing it or something like that as I rotate it in my hands. A bit later, for some reason, I am the bat for a few seconds, and then there's a scene change.

Apparently, I invited a friend over, who can make transformations or something. First, we are standing at night at the roach terrarium in the middle of the house and I transform into something there, but I don't remember what exactly happened. Then, after a small scene change where it is now somewhere mid- or late afternoon, we go into a room where we can probably be alone. There, the friend constructs the transformations from animal samples somehow, and I am eager to try it out. First, he wants to make one with snails (Gastropoda)¹, and I am one for a second. Then, there's a scene change again and I am back to normal. My mother wants something from me and I tell the friend to hide what he's doing, and then I go outside to distract my mother. Then, my father comes and wants something from the room so he just goes in, and luckily, the friend had hidden everything except the animals he was taking samples from, so my father asked what he was doing. As I woke up, I felt some disappointment, since it was pretty interesting.

---

1: This was just because I stumbled across the term on Wikipedia yesterday.

15th July 2021

Fragment:

(recall going from later to earliest bit)

I'm walking with a group of people, one of them is JC from school. He's older, but otherwise looks how he used to, mostly. We're escorting a mech, a train of sorts which is depositing rails in front of itself as it goes? I've just been paid for half of my service on our current mission. I was given two glittering golden rocks (the "gold" doesn't quite look like actual gold but in the dream I don't become aware of this). One of them is not covered in this glittering gold.

The one that is completely covered in glittery gold, I hold in my right hand and crush as we walk. I see on the top right of my vision an interface element that displays that I was credited with 40 million credits. JC tells me the company actually recommends against doing this, especially without having finished the mission yet. I tell him "I don't care, my inventory is too full" and I think about how the group doesn't seem keen on waiting for me to sort this out, as evidenced by the fact that we're on the move.

(just before this)

I'm with JC wrapped in a sort of throw, it's grey and white. (I think like one I have at home in waking life) There's a very serious Covid context, though I'm not worried about it. R, also from school around the same time as JC, is not too far from us, she's some sort of inventory or cataloguing person? She's wearing a labcoat, which when I first see her makes me do a RC by counting the fingers on my right hand, though my RC fails to pass, for one thing because the count was correct and for another because I didn't question it further because of the social situation.

Me and JC are a distance away just sitting here basically. R tells us that we have to wait for this shipment of cloth or something. I think I check the order details myself, either on an interface element or some nearby physical interface. Unfortunately, we still reach the conclusion that this is the best option. I was considering trying to change the order to something else that would still be suitable but delivered quicker. Any other option is noted to have an even longer lead time on production.

R chit chats, saying she's surprised that "you two idiots are still around", as if she expected to never see us again in life. I tell her in jest "dad always says there are always idiots around; I guess that happens to be here" or something to this effect. She's amused in some way but still thinks the same of us, I don't find myself thinking about it much further one way or another. Me and JC sort of become melded with each other as we're sat here, waiting in the bundled throw. R is very strict about viral control, but I don't recall in what way. She partly looks like an Asian woman in her thirties more so than herself really (probably a dream attempt at making her appear a more chronologically correct age).

Then there's a drone of some kind. It's scanning the local area and I ask R about it, "is it a geological survey drone?" but she doesn't reply, not ignoring me, but as if I never said anything. I get up and follow the drone around for a bit, the view swaps from first to third person and back again a few times. I follow it to a site not too far, a beach of some kind and it goes into a receptacle that changes shape mechanically, as it receives the drone. Then, from the sea a train sort of surfaces from the water, it all looks very Japanese "Mecha" style. (This is where the first bit of recall started)

(there was more recall from earlier parts but they faded and other details were lost, it was a long dream)

---

Notes:

- This is the most recent time I've actually done a reality check whilst dreaming, which goes beyond just thinking about it, but because of the social context at hand I became distracted far too easily from really questioning reality. Even so, with the previous DJ entry, that's two times recently compared to not very often, if at all, in the last months.
-- I am realising now that this may be an issue with my artificial dream sign, by its nature it's more likely to include a distracting social context. I should think further on this. In addition to that, I think it's ironic on some level I decided to do a hand RC when it isn't necessarily my preferred way of checking anymore. If I could go back into this dream and change my approach, I would instead have stopped and thought about what I was doing and where I was; after all, how could I be meeting people I knew years ago but haven't seen since, for no reason at all? Not just one of them, but two of them at the same time, along with other suspicious dream qualities.

- The dream had a bit of a feel of MHW and Dark Souls there at the end.

- There was something "desaturated" about all of the dream's location. Like there was a faintly yellow mist and there was no sky to speak of exactly, just this mist. No memory of shadows really, defined or undefined.

Survival in chaos
Dream fragment. There was some sort of survival situation, it seems to be happening with some sort of massive creatures or robots the dream itself compares to war of the worlds. At some point, at the location shown below (map day2_coast_09, Half-Life 2), a character imagined what it'd be like to be so powerful, which the dream illustrated. First, you saw a war of the worlds tripod emerge from the ocean, then, as it passed through an area where you can't see it, it turned into this large, bulky, and black robot and approaches something to fight it.

War in my home
There is a war in my home, and I am laying in a bed of sort with a friend who is fighting with me. He expresses his concerns if this position is safe, but I say that I can just play dead, but he doesn't feel safe so he runs away. Then, suddenly somebody discovers me, somebody with a female voice, who insults me and then crushes my skull. After just a second, it switches to the view of my friend.

Then, there's a scene change. The war's over. A man is running around and complaining that he has to clean up. Apparently, there's a bunch of scorpions around because somebody broke a terrarium of sort. He puts away a few flower pots on the window sill and sees many small scorpions, which he crushes. Then, he sees what seems to be a dead tarantula on a cardboard box, which I know he thinks is a scorpion, which he whacks with something to make sure it's dead. Then, what appears to be an extremely agile spider jumps towards the man and I switch from spectator to active, as I then run away from the spider thing, which is now a butterfly or moth. It lands right in my face, and I try to wipe it off but it won't come off, which I explain to myself as the fact that it is way too flat. Then, somebody comes and gives me something which makes it easier to remove.

---

Coast screenshot:

[07.07.2021]

Disgusting worm
Some sort of scientist created a worm that looks like a vein and is apparently parasitic. The worm is for some reason in my home and everything is flooded. Apparently, this is also a recurring dream. I try to grab the worm with tweezers, but it tries to attack my hand so I accidentally drop it in a cup of tea or coffee. Then it's on the ground again and I ask my mother where my garden gloves went. She says she doesn't know, but shortly after, I find them on top of a cupboard and put them on to protect myself from it when using tweezers again.

[08.07.2021]

Losing a friend
I am at some sort of massive forge with a friend or two. We have to do some sort of task where we have to ascend a platform while everything is breaking down and there's a great risk of death. In the end, all but one friend manages to get on the platform and that friend who didn't make it died.

Then, we have hope that they are still alive and try to look for them. Eventually, we find a YouTube channel of them that is apparently still posting some sort of Minecraft content and we find them in a jungle that looks like the jungle area in Just Cause 4.

25th June 2021

Unknown fragment at 8:30 but went back to sleep with dreaming intent around lucidity.

Fragment (10:00):

In a long rectangular building, it's like BL. There are lots of players here, including J and others I don't recognise. I feel he is ignoring me. Nearby someone is doing their "jackhammer" mining and someone in here is commenting on how it's a good thing there's no combat log to get spammed. J comments in a light-hearted way that AH's mining would have been worse. I see a fake-gold plaque mentioning her and some others?

(recall gap)

We're on a highway or something. At first in vehicles, I think? Then on foot or mounts, as we come off at a junction that leads into wilderness and dirt paths. It is evening/dusk, I think, just before sunset. The landscape feels like the Southern regions of my native country. We keep going along this path until I realise it's the wrong way and that we should have already turned off to the left for the castle we are supposed to get to. I'm a paladin and remember seeing myself in third-person on my mount for a while. I am the only paladin in the group.

I use crusader aura and look at the minimap to help the people at the rear of the group so they benefit from it. One person in our group is Hillary Clinton? I think we address her as madam president. The castle reminds me now of Karazhan but it didn't during the dream.

We go through several rooms. They are dark and seem to follow a normal house layout. Something about ghosts. Trying to help them by filling a sink with bleach, cleaning it while wearing some gloves; detritus is keeping the ghosts trapped here somehow. But this doesn't work and the ghosts complain of suffocating. I ask someone to open a window (double glazed, swings out on the top half from the middle) and we move on I think. Crossing some rooms sometimes leads into a loading screen of some sort. (Recall faded too much and detail was lost.)

Earlier, or later, kind of with the same group, I'm looking through some old stashes of food. Mostly tinned or jarred stuff, but maybe some fresh things too. Under a man-made waterfall spout, in some kind of old metal receptacle (oxidised bronze?), there's jam in a jar and something like yogurts in plastic pots. Someone tells me not to bother taking anything, that it's all ancient. But I see on the jam there's a marking on the top indicating it has an expiry date of "28/2" or something which I infer to mean 2028 and so I take it.

---

Notes:

- There was a feel of Scholomance to the inner depths of the castle.
-- The dark ambience was generally blue-ish.

- The dried up man-made waterfall area was cliffy but was sort of in-doors, I feel. The rocks were mostly tones of grey, possibly with moss or lichen.

- Not sure what brought about Hillary Clinton as a dream character. I am reminded while writing this that I was recently thinking about MoonageDaydream's name but unable to remember it at that time, realising that maybe it's Hillary, at least I seem to remember reading that in one of her dreams before.
-- I haven't really been trying to think about any DV members specifically of late, but I do still check DV often especially before bed.

24th June 2021

Some in-line notes, some side notes.

Dream (fragmented):

Playing as a level seventy human warrior, protection spec by the looks of the gear.

I'm in some kind of life-like place with rooms, but on a flying mount and mining ores. There are Legion enemies around as well as general Legion stuff. I think about how something looks wrong, not as how I remember it (according to a dreaming false memory).

(recall gap)

I'm flying around Helfire doing ore mining, mostly getting Fel Iron but some Khorium and other novel gem ores, coloured after the type of gem they're supposed to be. Oddly, I can't mine Adamantite at all. I manage to avoid fights with horde players by flying to ore locations in a random pattern, helped by having the fastest mount, some kind of gladiator's nether drake by the looks of it, not too different from whatever I was using before.

I go to parts of Helfire that don't actually exist. One such place is a floating rock isle, high above and to the south east of the peninsula. There are some unremarkable chests here, they give me a few silver coins, something like twenty to fourty as well as random crappy items. They feel worth getting since nobody else is after them and this area seems to have little interest. Some people, ghosts, come out of some ruins on the south part of the island, some two/three hundred yards away. I forget who the ghosts are or what they say, but it's a mom and a dad and their pre-teen daughter. Despite a life-like quality to them, they still seem game-like.

Then I fly away to the north from here, to an area that's east or north east of the peninsula; it's more at the same height level as the general landscape and not quite so fragmented as the other island. It's the leftovers of some kind of world tree thing that some night elves tried making. There are some NPCs here that provide alternate introductory quests for people entering Outland.

(recall gap)

I see from my friend's list that HW is on his priest. He's only sixty and this seems normal to me. I remember physically being in a place like a regular room with him. I suggest that he could go level up. It seems he's annoyed, he was trying to do tower captures in EPL but I can't figure out why and I don't ask. This room has windows and light comes in from outside, but it feels dark and dingy even so. There's an off-orange tint?

There's some kind of IKEA shelf thing. There's hi-fi on top of it. I adjust the top unit because I'm concerned about it dropping off, it's just barely bigger than the shelf's surface area. In the dream this hi-fi belongs to HW but also seems to be his PC or something.

(recall gap)

Later on I'm on some kind of desert island. It's sunny and grassy and wild, a little bit of rolling hills. I have an inventory with some food but need to get wood break some rocks to make better tools with. Vague recall of beating on a rock with some tiny drum sticks, amused by the rhythmic noise. (Not realising that I couldn't have performed this action in waking life since I have no experience of it)

This is after some bit where I had been on the island and I'd finished my "run" of it. This bit now was like a new game or a reset.

(recall gap)

A different sequence about space ships and docking into a large and complex vertical structure (in space?) with hundreds of individual hangars for sort of fighter-sized ships. The hangars have blue energy fields at the entrances. Inside there look to be full amenities (not unlike a Freelancer equipment shop?).

I think to myself it's amazing I get assigned to dock on landing pad one, when there are literal hundreds of them. I am here with someone else, maybe HW, but whoever it was didn't want me near them. I find this annoying, since the dock assignment was automatic, as was the docking procedure, so I couldn't override to get closer to them (and help them feel better?).

---

Notes:

- There are some less common dream elements to this dream, for one thing it was fairly consistent about Helfire's look and layout. On the other hand, the room I met HW in seemed like it could actually be his flat room, though the IKEA shelf and the hi-fi stuff seemed like ours; associative link between IKEA and HW, since both are from Sweden?

- The bit in space was a mix-mash of most of the space themes that have made impressions on me, like Homeworld, Freelancer, Elite Dangerous and a few others. The "vertical" bit may have been brought about by what I heard in the audio documentary of the fourth Alien film, which at the time had made me think about the Hiigaran mothership.
-- It's a shame I haven't really had any dreams that I can recall that are more directly around Alien themes and WY.

- Perhaps the reason I couldn't mine Adamantite (red skill level) was because I generally think of Adamantium-related materials to be very top end, although in the game Khorium would be the top end material.

- The irony of me being 70 and HW being 60 on his character is that this is a role reversal, where I'm trying to include him by saying it would be a good idea for him to level up.

- HW seemed moody, annoyed or upset, in the dream. I think I couldn't understand why and wanted him to feel better.

20th June 2021

Fragment:

Outside, walking through a town area of some kind, it's mostly flat, maybe with some downwards incline. I'm with someone I know closely, maybe J or L. There's something about a lan party of some kind. Walking through the town, maybe food or fast food is mentioned. There are eight of us in total? I am carrying a laptop around in one of the laptop bags we have here at home in waking life. In the dream, I am aware of my laptop being inferior to everyone else's.

Something about eating beans? There's some kind of sauce, maybe chilli, but no rice. There's a familiar taste.

While reading the exercise on p.78 of Dream Gates:

I'm sitting down and reading this exercise thinking about desert, then beach and then home. From the windows of many of the flats people are banging pots and pans, my awareness or focus on this quickly fades and then I'm focusing on the cars parked around the cul-de-sac, which are warm to the touch from the sun, but there is a morning light so actually most were in shade. Suddenly S appears, her lead is in my hand and she licks my face; I lick her back for good measure because I always feel she needs to have perspective of how it feels. She reels a little as she would.

Then she starts pulling hard on the lead, barking or growling at some passer-by and making me trip over and fall to the floor, vaguely feeling myself being dragged along but without any of the friction I'd expect. She makes her way to the hills behind the garages, it looks as it did after the shanties were removed but before the supermarket built. The scene changes to be next to the eucalyptus on that hill. Then, I have a vague intent.

It changes to unfinished highway that would be visible from the hill. I'm under the unfinished underpass of a concrete bridge. I know there's a door to my left but I cannot turn or see it from my point of view. I feel it's a metal door, painted a deep blue, maybe a little rusty. Like ones I've seen somewhere before in my childhood.

I sort of unintentionally break away from this and then just continue reading a bit more and then write some notes down for this.

---

Notes:

- Although the exercise asks for thinking of natural places and afterwards I found that my old home felt natural enough, because there's vegetation and bush in several parts and the building of where I used to live has always been pretty much on the edge of town, so nature of some kind has never been very far.

- The visualisation came about mostly unintentionally but it was pleasant, especially because although I couldn't see S very well, I appreciated the fact that she was there as some kind of animal guide. I was always told by mom that black dogs are considered luck charms in certain cultures, so I suppose that was present in my mind on some level. Thinking about it now, S appeared very well and despite vague visuals, she seemed just as I have always known her.

- The concrete underpass was shady and the unknown door could be a such a figurative entrance to the underworld and so on as the exercise suggests, even though the door might not lead down, it would go through earth.

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP


At some team building event. I am with Zilla and I also see other familiar faces from high school, like Filipa, who tells us that Claudia died some time ago. There is also by Bad Wolf, my pre-teen sweetheart, who ended up hating me. But he seems cool about me now. We do our team building exercises and the ice breaks between us. I actually think he is into me and I wonder if maybe the universe is offering us a chance to have the relationship we never had in the past. He looks youthful, keeping is highscool looks and he is now divorced or something. And apparently I am free too. So we become good friends and plan to go on a date.
Now I realize we are all on a ship, looks like he a fisher boat. One night I get up amidst a chaos, the boat is in a storm, there is water and debris everywhere and Bad Wolf is looking for me, concerned. He meets me on the deck and says it's not safe, a giant whale is attacking us. Then I see a giant flipper hiting us and I fall into the water, losing consciousness. I am in and out of my senses as I sink into the water and at some point I notice someone swimming nearby and pulling me into some other ship wreck below us. We can't go up, as the whale is still hiting and now some orcas have joined in attacking survirvors. Luckily, the sunken ship is almost intact and is turned upside down which created a giant air pocket inside it, so we can actually breathe and walk through a big part of the ship. Zilla managed to join us and we discover a pantry and it's packed with food. I know the air won't last long and we will eventually have to go to the surface again.

15th May 2021

Fragment:

Whistling but wearing my work mask? Comes out as normal in waking life, kind of weak, since I don't really know how to whistle.

(recalled this after trying to whistle while making food)

16th May 2021

Fragment:

Part of a long dream. I'm entering a flat and need to get something I or someone else left there? There's plenty of furniture and stuff, it feels complete, if a bit dark or dingy; a cool ambient light? I enter a room and there's a bed, not realising that there's someone laying in it.

I reach for whatever I'm here for. An old woman sits up quickly on the right side of the bed, which is for a couple. She starts sort of shouting with some kind of desperation and sadness in her voice, shouting at me things like how she wants to be left alone and how she wants me to leave. I hesitate, not saying anything back, and eventually do leave.

I return at some point later in the dream and essentially the same thing happens, only with slight differences, such as things said.

Vaguely recall being in an outdoor area, I talk to someone who's close to me. We talk about the old woman. There's a full car park? I remember taller than average vehicles, maybe like caravans more than lorries.

At another point I am in the stairwell of my old home. Something feels distorted but it seems about right otherwise. It's bright, but from the lights, not sunlight. There's something about a neighbour, something about food? Indirect interaction.

Fragment:

I'm messaging MoonageDaydream here on the DV forums, telling her something from when I was about 15 or so?

---

Notes:

- At a first guess, the old woman is a direct representation of a certain aspect of myself that feels exactly as she did. Her emotions felt clear in the dream, though my dreaming self as a character did not react so much that I can recall.
-- The old woman's hairstyle was somewhat like my paternal grandmother, but I do not recall who her face might have resembled.

- Whistling is something I've tried to do for many years, everyone in my family can whistle and has done so since I was a kid but I only learned to do it a little bit very recently, the last three or four years.
-- Incidentally, when is it not very recently? Five years, six, seven?

- I had no recall at all of my surroundings in the whistling fragment, as if my visual focus did not go past my own face, in some way.

- Messaging Moonage probably came from recent interactions, but I don't know what could be particularly relevant to discuss from when I was 15.

8th May 2021

Fragment:

Mom, new medications, a swap or trade for her? (not sure what I meant by this and recall is too gone)

Fragment:

Watching HW play an undead rogue wearing a T2 helm, he's sort of streaming PvP activity where he's killing other horde players but also alliance, not focusing on any particular group more than another. He is in a full party with some friends who are helping him with the PvP?

(gap)

HW is visiting me, at a mix of my current and old home. I'm with him in the kitchen, downstairs. There's a moment of intense laughter when I or he make a joke, sort of together, but I forget what it was about. We're about to head upstairs and I go into the pantry (what pantry, which home?) and grab the only two beers there, as well as an orange juice drink in a similar but clear glass bottle. I ask HW what he wants but he doesn't seem to hear me. I ask him again once we are upstairs, also asking H if he wants one of these things too. I have some feeling of concern about who will pick what?

9th May 2021

Fragment:

Planet-landing, some colony and I'm? using a tank to take over the colony. Something about it being a job in planning by others for three years. I prove them wrong by myself by assaulting a base and then I eventually get some reinforcements to assist me. Then in a cave, the dream changes and becomes about wrestling or some form of free fighting. I remember breaking things up, made of wood.

Dream:

I'm in a place like L with H, walking across a busy street. It's sunny and looks pretty much as I might expected, considerably busy too. I see MB walking ahead in front of us at one point as we walk to wherever we're going but H doesn't notice or care. I feel annoyed and think to myself "yeah, you walk away you bastard" as I watch him go up another street on an incline, beside some kind of train or transit station.

We eventually go up the same street too and H says he's going to call someone (one of our parents) but he notices the phone number is totally wrong for the contact, deciding to ring anyway and finding out who it might be. The other person answers and is equally curious and confused but they are nearby so we backtrack a little to a bit with a cafe. We approach and H talks to this person he had been on the phone with. I don't realise it in the dream but any awareness of them drops off as I focus on my aunt B who is sat at the next table over, facing an unknown dream character who is her friend.

For some reason, as we get talking, this unknown character is showing me the inside of her mouth, which impossibly looks bigger on the inside than on the outside. Under her tongue, there is a pepperoni pizza pattern thing going on, but it's some kind of fungal structure that is an uncontrolled infection. I remember being told about this but in no detail.

---

Notes:

- The last dream with MB was about four months ago.

- The dream recall for all of these is poor because while I did make initial notes, they were extremely brief and I had planned on getting around to typing them up sooner, whilst recall was still fresh, but the days didn't allow for it.

- For some time now I have been feeling like there's something wrong internally, on a physical level. I worry on some level that part of recent dream symbolisms are related to this but I have no real basis for this other than some recent aches that haven't subsided. Recently I have been getting random intrusive thoughts about cancer, possibly since that's essentially what AH passed away from.

- I had some more notes I wanted to put down but I'm currently distracted and have a headache, so I'm being unable to focus.

Friend fragment
I am in school. I said something which would upset the mentioned friend in real life, and thus, in a moment of lucidity, I question that, but then I just went on with the dream plot.

23rd April 2021

Fragment:

I'm in a city, with H or maybe a friend, possibly a dream character. It's built out of full-sized cathedrals which in turn also basically make up a lot of the surrounding landscape. Either way, I'm on a public footpath of some kind and with a non-conscious impression of being somewhere quite high up. There are many other people around, I remember seeing people going in either direction with backpacks on.

The public path is built on top and as part of some cathedrals' rooves, which are partially flat. These bits have sections of tempered and thick (more than an inch) stained glass that allow pedestrians to walk over them and see inside the cathedrals that are below them.

(recall gap)

Something about a police investigation? I'm helping investigating or something.

(gap)

A concrete room underground. Related to sewers or some similar water processing facility? It's wet and there's some very deep water, which I can't see into very well but I'm not trying to look. There are platforms, this room has a feel of being like some kind of puzzle or challenge room.

At some point, I'm now in the water. In the water, there are dozens or perhaps hundreds of undead and rotting rabbits. Their fur is green and patchy. The visible flesh is a pale violet or purple. The ones that have eyes, possibly glow. The undead rabbits swim mindlessly at the surface of the water. The water does not look unclean, despite their presence. In fact, it's kind of clear, even if I can't see very far into it.

The room has a cold and dim light or ambience.

---

Notes:

Spoiler for Notes spoilered to keep DJ entry less lengthy:

- It's curious that rabbits are the second rodents to recently appear in my dreams. The first were rats in a semi-recent dream and they too were filthy or unclean in some sense of the words. Until I wrote this DJ entry out, I had entirely forgotten that rabbits are rodents.
-- They looked like the rabbits in places from WoW like the Tirisfal Glades and the Plaguelands.
-- I have always found a certain appeal to those zones in the game, they feel peaceful to me despite their gloomy and sickly ambience. Typing this out makes me realise that it's probably a bit unusual.

- On reading one of the books I have about dream symbology (I like to do so for interpretative inspiration sometimes), one thing noted about rabbits is that town people may mistake rabbits for hares and vice versa in dreams. Thinking about the dream, my instinct is to refer to them as rabbits, but in fact, they must have been hares based on their sizes as they were certainly not bunny sized. This makes some sense under that, as I have always been mostly a town dweller and even while awake, if I see a hare I'll likely think "rabbit!" before I think "hare" verbally.

- The undead in general have never frequently appeared in my dreams. I can't really recall many instances where there is undeath in some sense. I have never felt a particular fear of the undead despite my religious background and despite being aware that there are some things "similar" to undeath, but not in the traditional mythical sense.

- All of the things from this dream felt very desaturated, pale.

- There are a lot of stereotypical "underworld" symbols appearing in my dreams recently, I feel. It wouldn't be the first time but it may feel more pronounced lately since I'm establishing casual links between them. Perhaps some kind of subconscious world-building.

- The city made out of cathedrals was magnificent. The stained glass in the pathways was plain but made for a beautiful patterning effect. The whole area had a feel very much alike environments from Dark Souls, but more modern and casual and taken for granted in the dream as part of day-to-day existence, perhaps in the same way that I may take houses, office buildings and skyscrapers for granted in waking life.

22nd April 2021

There are quite a few personal thoughts and notes here but I guess when are dreams ever anything other than personal? But this took me quite a while to type up, which is frustrating on some level.

Fragment:

Playing DII, with the barbarian. I remember I look at the waypoints and see I'm in Act 3 but it's actually hell (Act 4). The colours all look weird, the character looks a fuzzy dark navy blue on some parts. It's generally dark and I am going to where Diablo "lives", I remember going past the hellforge or something.

Very little recall of this dream but it had a strange feel to it, a bit like some of the weirder pre-sleep dreams I used to get as a kid, where reality made no sense with waking physics and was all fuzzy like static noise.

(DFLN) Dream:

Spoiler for Lengthy dream:

I'm in BL, in a dream generated location. I'm feeling preoccupied about basic totems for some reason, something about acquiring more while AFK. I go around to where AH's base is, but it's not at all like her waking life base and is on a different world. I play or hear some voice recording of her, talking about AFK gains and stuff like that. Her voice is soft and quieter than I would expect. Her base is massively unfinished and her character is just sitting here in the middle of it all.

Occasionally I see the character turn or twitch randomly and on closer inspection an interface element reveals that it's possessed by a "PharmBot" user entity, briefly, which in the dream I have knowledge of being a bot that keeps track of peoples' farms and then reports their status on a Discord server. Walking around and seeing the unfinished base, I notice I still have permissions in some parts of it. I think to myself, maybe I can ask for a special permission to be able to finish up her base for her. I feel a sadness of sorts. I talk to H about all of this?

The world is a lush type and green-ish for the most part but there is a dominant pale yellow tint.

Then, I eventually wander off in a random direction and find some creatures over a lava pit place. The dream starts to feel more like DOOM now but visually remains mostly the same. I shoot some energy weapons at the creatures and kill a few of them quickly but I start to feel overwhelmed by their numbers. Some look a bit like cacodemons or something but not quite, and the rest are generic mish-mash. I think I fall in the lava and get annoyed or frustrated by how sticky it is and how I'm going to die and have to come back here.

(recall gap)

I'm in our office/computer room but it's mixed with the old home. I have knowledge of it being where L's room would have been. I'm sitting with someone at the desk, a guy, he's to my left. I'm teaching him something about drawing. He asks me about making a logo and I say that it depends, things can vary based on budget. If he wanted to just spend five on it, then this pen I have that he seems to be interested in, that would do. I forget the conversation details, but this person is a dream character who is a generic friend in the dream's context, though maybe closer than just an acquaintance.

The doorbell rings (I forget the sound it makes) and I go to answer the door. It was day in the office but now I'm in the corridor, it's dark. I make a mistake, instead of going to the hall on the right I go straight through mom and dad's bedroom where mom seems to be sleeping and I go into mom's study. There's a twilight or dawn ambience in here. I realise this isn't the right place to be at all and start to feel rushed to answer the door, turning around and walking quickly back through to the hall, then opening the front door cautiously, not remembering I could have looked through the seeing hole.

The person is a maid and she doesn't look like anyone I know. I wait or ask for an explanation. She's black, though a relatively light tone, not much darker than me in reality. Her hair is sort of curly, medium length and is tied up in a bunch at the top rear of her head. I hold onto the door as we talk, apprehensive for some reason.

She explains that mom's old maid (who I haven't seen in many years) won't be coming anymore because she's been ill and only been getting worse. I'm not told what with, exactly, but there's an implied sense of a condition much like mine.

Spoiler for slightly erotic:

I think because of waking reality, I have an erection in the dream, possibly since I got up and started walking from the office room, though I tried keeping it from seeming obvious. When she walks further into the hall, her right hand brushes past my legs and she doesn't say anything but immediately looks apprehensive and embarrassed.

She says something and feels she must excuse herself for today. I feel I leave an unwarranted poor impression on her.

(gap)

Still at the old home and in the same general dream context, in terms of ambience etc. There's something about dad, he's talking with me and someone else. He tells us about having found a cancer, a melanoma. He has no top on and feels around his right arm with his left hand and finds the point. It's inside, near the join to the forearm. I wonder about removal with chemotherapy and stuff. I have some kind of daydream thing where I see myself having that entire area surgically removed, being left with a hole there very near the inner elbow. It seems excessive and like it would leave me weak because of how much of that area is muscle but I also wonder if the doctors couldn't put in an artificial and flexible latticed matrix of some kind, for the body to use as framework for regeneration, like scaffolding or the beams in a building. But I feel they'd never bother with such a thing.

Spoiler for Notes, spoilered for length:

- AH passed away from cancer earlier this year and one thing I have felt sad about is that what little rights I had left around her base were taken away from me by people I don't even know, even if I understand that her legacy was willingly left to these people, who she did know. I suppose it's made me think about how in my perception, some people just have more "rights" on the memory of someone. It doesn't feel fair, but I guess very little feels fair to me these days.

-- On the topic of fairness, this morning after I got up from bed, I was feeling easily annoyed by some things, mostly environmental issues that I feel unable to help with as an individual, because of the way society is set up. This came about in part because it was a recycling day.

- Dad doesn't have any cancer that we know of and to be honest I think most of the cancer themes in the dream were really just a manifestation of somewhat irrational worries I get about having cancer myself. Especially with AH's passing, I have become somewhat more fearful of having something like that happen to me and the worst of it is that even through these reminders I find myself spending time doing lots of meaningless things. I end up feeling helpless in a sense, feeling like I won't accomplish anything meaningful in my lifetime and that I won't leave a legacy behind that is what I would like to leave behind.

-- This is especially true of my creative activities, where I fear that if I would simply pass away all of a sudden, the things that would be left behind wouldn't reflect enough about how I feel about life, emotions, pain and other certain topics. I feel like the very thing I want to make depictions about (my condition and its limitations) is exactly what stops me from doing something meaningful. I often feel too tired and unable to engage myself into a creative mode, especially lately. The latter half of last year felt decent in creative terms and I thought that because I am being more functional with my current medication that this trend would continue.

- Lately, oddly enough, I tend to recall fairly well what I am thinking of before bed, but I still do not notice any transition into sleep and my thoughts eventually become dispersed anyway. Last night in bed I was thinking about BL:TPS and how its story had been written and how it compared to BL2 and BL3 and how BL1 tied into all of it too. I remember I was also thinking about Freelancer and certain story moments, as well as the game world in general. I had a few thoughts about DV and the members I know a bit better but recall of this is more vague now. I do remember thinking about what OccipitalRed has said recently about consciousness and awareness whilst dreaming in general even in non-lucid contexts.

-- Notably, I don't ever seem to dream about the very last things I think of. Frequently, the subjects I end up dreaming about stem either from pertinent thoughts (conscious or just below the threshold) through a day or from a couple of hours before bed.

- Although I didn't realise it until writing out this DJ entry, I feel like the part of the dream about the maid was a spin on the lusty maid story cliche, something that consciously doesn't attract me very much. The irony here is that the maid that in the dream was ill, was someone who I did feel attracted to when I was a teenager and the maid in the dream had some resemblance to her.

- I did feel some sort of sadness when I learned that mom's former maid was unwell, especially because of the feeling of it being something similar to what I have.

Strange fire dream
I am a different person. Something happened before this, but in retrospect, I don't quite remember. I am in a room, possibly a hotel room, which seems like it is quite luxurious. A fire starts at a table behind the bed I am laying in, which I see, but apparently I am so tired that I don't even really notice the danger, or maybe I don't care. A woman notices this and drags me out of bed. She seems like a friend of mine or maybe a colleague. She holds me up as we walk out of the room, it seems I am hurt or something else which impairs my movement.