Mydera

I made it a point not to remember most of my dreams last night, I didn't enjoy them and wanted to forget them. Not really nightmares so much as just self issues. I almost didn't type anything, but the last dream I don't want to forget so I'm going to type it anyways, then my interpretation of it, and then if anyone wants to point out something I missed please feel free to do so. Usually others see things I don't.

In the dream, I am with my husband on a street. We're not walking, just standing there together looking into a grassy yard. I get a text, and I tell my husband I'll be right back, and start walking up the street to check my text. Somehow I go from reading a text to actually talking on the phone, but I don't remember how. It was someone I barely used to know, a close friend of a close friend. I knew him through stories, but never really spoke to him. I'm asking him about someone who I believe is staying with him, and he's telling me that she's doing well. During the conversation I'm asking about a woman who I don't recognize in waking life but feel might have symbolized my mom by the characters back story. He's telling me that she's learning to be responsible for herself and that she's really able to take care of herself now, she's not asking others for help and money all the time, but working hard for what she has and learning to manage her money and appreciate things rather than buy crap all the time that she never uses. Then he starts telling me that there's still enough room for me if I want to come stay as well. I refuse, and he continues that no one would mind so long as I was helpful and did my share of work around the house and paid my share of rent. I refuse again, citing my husband and kids needing me as the reason I can't now. In the dream though, I'm more worried about the fact that I haven't had a job in ages and when I did work I never had a good paying job and I feel like I couldn't make. I go back to my husband, and we get in a car and drive home for a moment, just to learn from my grandma that my daughter is at the friend of a friend's house with the woman. We get back in the car and drive to go pick her up and check on the woman whom my grandma praised as we left for really turning her life around. We pull into a driveway, and as we're pulling up a truck is pulling out. Inside the truck is the friend of a friend with a girl, and he waves out the window asking if we're here to visit. My husband says yes, and the guy turns his truck around following us back up the driveway. I feel very awkward and weird about him being in the car with a chic, and I wonder if it's going to bother me if they start kissing or something. When I get out of the car, my daughter runs up to me. She grabs my legs in a hug, and I bend down to hug her back. The friend of a friend walks up behind me to my right, and smiles at me then tells me that she was having so much fun here, and she doesn't have to leave. We don't have to leave, I could stay. Then he turns into Kurasawa, smiling at me and reaching out to hug me. I wake up.

I do often feel like I've accomplished nothing in my life, and even completely useless at times. I haven't worked since I was pregnant with my first and was in a car wreck that kind of made things uneasy for a while. My husband is of the "I'm the man I should take care of the money, you should raise the kids not work" mind set, and up until recently I didn't mind it. I felt like taking care of my kids WAS my purpose in life. But now the kids aren't babies anymore. At 3 and 5 they're being much more independent and actually WANTING to get away and go to school and such, leaving me feeling less involved and useless. I think this dream is showing me that I feel useless and that I feel like I need to get my life back on track, and then it's also showing me that I'm looking for someone to pull me out, help me escape the feeling of being useless and unneeded (which I know I'm needed by my kids, it's hard to explain I guess, but maybe needed by others as well... I want to know I'm having some sort of positive impact on the world) Now I can look back and say, I've known I've felt useless, and the dream is showing me that I'm waiting for someone to pull me out and it's never going to happen because I'll always make excuses. The only one who can make me feel not useless, is myself. Rather than waiting for someone else to come and show me the way out, I need to make it myself.