The Kestrel's Dreams

May 11, 2014

---

This dream was one of the most vivid and powerful dreams I have ever had. It was short, but it was so... wow.

I dreamed that I had just come home from the hospital after giving birth. I must have still been in high school or something, because I was living at my parents' house. My mom had taken the baby inside the house, and I walked around outside for a little while.

When I got back inside, I took my baby in my arms and walked back to my room, closing the door. I just wanted to be alone with my baby. I stood leaning on the door, and tried to feed the baby; it hadn't breastfed at the hospital, and It had made me feel so depressed. I tried now, and it still refused. I switched the my right side, and like magic, the baby started to feed. It was... It's so hard to describe how it felt. It felt so REAL.

I could feel it physically. It was the strongest feeling I've ever had. I felt all the warmth and joy and magic and mystery that a mother must feel the first time she and her baby share that intimate moment... At least, I think that's how it would feel. I won't know until I feel it for real some day. But man. It was so strong. So vivid. I even remember what the baby looked like. Every detail. It had my eyes and the same thick hair I had when I was born, but the nose and chin must have been its fathers. I remember every little pink vein in its face. I wish I remembered whether it was a boy or a girl, but I never checked (it sounds silly now, but why would I have to check if I already knew?) I hope it was a girl. but I think if it were a boy, it would be cool.



......






I woke up and looked around for my baby. It was the saddest wake-up I've ever experienced. It felt like a hole had been ripped out of me, at first. It faded as the morning wore on, but I was out of it all day. Even now, in June, I feel a hole in my heart that won't be filled until I have that baby for real.