lucid

Many of these previous entries have been big marking points of my first experiences with lucid dreaming, vibrations, and other important phenomenon whose name I do not know.

hehehee

Since then, I have had lucid dreams randomly throughout the years. I have randomly felt these strong vibrations during the night... I haven't had "nightmares" in which I've felt scared; though maaaybe a couple for ~2 seconds before waking up. Now that I can wake myself up or stop things, nightmares feel nearly impossible. That is, until recently.

I am coming to the end of my semester abroad, but prior to leaving to come here, I talked to someone about astral projection and read a bit more about it. I tried a couple times before leaving and felt potential successes, so I downloaded a little "Guide to Hermetics" (perhaps one that was recommended) before I came. Busy for most of the semester and preoccupied with getting my shit together, I didn't think about any of this stuff much at all. But, once in a while I would.... Once or twice, I thought, maybe tonight I will try to astral project. Then, what previously seemed to be a random feeling of vibrations that would strike when I was least expecting it, would occur that night. (The only time it didn't was when I was incredibly tired and had no reason to say or think of it (imo).)

Including last night, that makes ~3 times during this semester having some feeling of AP or whatever is happening (I have no idea, really).

1. (after saying to myself, maybe try to AP tonight) Vibrations -> up-up --> feel like i am going upwards past this room. I make myself smile widely throughout it even though I am not feeling my best in general. I am excited, there is a doll, perhaps? Strange, wonder where I am and why I'm in this area. Windows, different house for sure, kind of fancy and large with high-ceilings and walls that I just keep going up and up in. I don't know if I stop on purpose or not, don't remember.

was so funny that I could just do that! just like when I say to myself, I'm going to wake up at 7 tomorrow morning, and then I wake up at that time, hardly on purpose (just think it without imagining it would actually happen just from that).

2. (recently). I am hardly trying. Vibrations, but I am almost pulled through them with no effort on my own. This is not good.... It feels like I'm being pulled up and things are moving fast. The energy feels negative, maybe completely or just partially because I'm paranoid because of some discord server stuff (joined a group which seems to be into a lot of this stuff + strange stuff I don't know about). In either case, I know I am not feeling trying to control anything or deal with this (not in mood) and I make myself wake up. First time hardly works (make myself wake up, close my eyes and I'm back, practically), so the next time I go from laying on my back to my side. This worked!

3. Last night (though I forget quite a bit already). Not sure if I thought about it prior to it happening again, but I think I did a little bit. Later, during the night, I woke up from my dream slightly. I knew *this was it!* and closed my eyes immediately and thought to myself to lift up like before. I met the wall of vibrations and, after a bit, surpassed it. However, I thought this and made this decision in a split second of time - I did not consider it much. So was I really ready? Did I really want to do this now? I don't know.
In any case, though....again, I went up. I don't remember how much control I had but it was definitely not a large amount. I was, however, more awake than the last time, and it didn't feel half as "negative".

It did, however, feel a bit negative, though not right away.

So as I went up, I was surprised to see that I was again inside a tall house with large windows, kind of fancy. This time it was not as dark and blue-tinted (like the first time with the doll), but it seemed like it was sunset-time-y. At one point I saw people sitting at round tables, I believe? Maybe a man (white man, balding, glasses, suit -- but this is probably just in my head, it was so vague and faint, everything, and he was not important at all; his description just helps describe the sort of vibe of the place).

I passed more things, I think, or at least felt and saw more than just this, but I can't remember. This was definitely the longest I have been in this "place" in one complete, consistent bout of time, and I felt that I could remain in it for a long amount of time. I knew I wasn't in the correct mindset, however, and did not feel great about it all, so I began to feel like I should leave.

Leaving to try to wake up felt similar to trying to wake up during sleep paralysis, though on the "other side" of things. That same barricade was there, it seemed, keeping me in that side as there is keeping me on the other side (that I must "go through" to get there). Part of me trying to wake up was likely propelled by some fear of negative things or not being able to make myself wake up, spurred by trying to move slightly (into my waking body's direction) and being met with such a strong barrier.
It's all very interesting and I don't understand it, but I would like to!

I really had to push myself awake (to this awake state, it felt like), and eventually did that. Then slept on my side as I had learned from the last time, and it was all fine. I wanted to write about it..since it was dark could only use my phone, but after I got ready to write (type) I must have closed my eyes for a second and fallen asleep again. I was exhausted. Woke up with my phone next to my head, and have been thinking about this entire event throughout the day today.

There is definitely a lot to explore.

Wish I had more time to type all this.
I've been having sleep paralysis more frequently now, so for the first time I didn't try to make myself wake up and I didn't just lie there during it. But, that's because I was just in a lucid dream that kind of propelled me from it.
(The order of these dreams kind of confuse me, so they might be a little off. I woke up in some way (into SP or into another dream) at least three times.

1st lucid: - realized I was lucid because I had the memory of literally just going to sleep. I made the place I was in (wooden, barrels, huge and cylinder-shaped with lots of bars across) expand upwards infinitely to test that I was lucid. Sometime later, thought I heard my alarm clock go off, heard a persistent beeping noise (and just realized now my alarm clock is a song anyway...I guess my conscious self didn't even realize that). I kind of woke up then, but then I looked around and realized...wow, i'm still in a dream. okay? This dream was in a worse setting. I could tell right off the bat that there weren't pleasant vibes. A guy with a gun, darkish room, don't recall other things rn...I was like oh shit what do I do? (throughout all these dreams this night everything seemed to move VERY quickly, it was so weird. it felt like it was moving much faster than earth events) so I tried to fly away in this quick-paced state, realized, oh whoop, can't do that, so I messed with the plot somehow, kinda hazy with details. I just thought to myself, okay "GOOD VIBES" all around and light started shining and I started gaining power/light? to somehow "defeat the bad guy." I don't really know.

SP: - Right when I did that is when my dream body seemed to rocket up into my physical body and enter an *intense* sleep paralysis mode. Time was still kind of moving quickly, although definitely slower than in the dream and in "normal" real-time, since SP always seems very real like you're wide awake. (maybe you are? idk, anyway)
So I didn't have thAT much time to think. I know once I entered SP and my body started shaking, my dream body propelled upwards out of my bed, toward the ceiling. Then the acceleration declined significantly and I had to "fight" with physical strength, it seemed, to keep moving up. I felt very uncomfortable during this state. I could feel my tongue pushing against the top of my retainer to try to "keep going up" or whatever happened. (During this i was aware that i didn't know exactly what to do, so i just went with that and didn't think much about it. it was pretty exciting!! which i guess is why the discomfort wasn't too bad) Then, I reached it! I went "high" enough so that I reached a dream!

2nd dream - fucking shit i wrote for 11 minutes, i only wanted to write for 5. fucking college essay. okay. -walked outside, bright sunny day green grass - thought to self "i need people" (i think, maybe not. it's hazy) - 2 tables - my age v. adults - torn between where to go/sit -black man glasses some type of atypical accent, leaning over speaking intensely to the table, saying, "ember was on a website, she was talking to a man with a (motions to his face) long beard... " -heard my name and that stuff, freaked the fuck out, woke up, was 4:20-ish (not long after i went to sleep), wrote down on phone

omg....wow i wrote some of it down already. could have just looked at that

okay, and initial thoughts after that were
woww so that's what it's like to LD from SP?? never thought it would happen that way! felt like my actual body left my bed! that was intense, etc. (although now that i've had more out of SP i know it doesn't always happen that way)

Finally, a weekend to sleep in and just dream. I don't know what this part of my night was (not a dream) but I'll have to include it, anyway. When I became thoroughly exhausted at 4am, I happened to be in my sister's room and decided to just crash there. When I laid down, though, I felt this warm breeze on my face. The feeling was comparable to someone passing by me, which I found a bit strange. I never try any DILDs, WILDs, or other sleeping techniques, nor have I actually read through any on here, so I don't know if this relates to one of these techniques, (I kind of thought so,) but it sure was weird to me. Within two minutes of laying there, that ringing noise you hear in your ears increased significantly and then seemed to *change frequencies*, finally settling on one that was higher and very clear. As soon as it settled, my entire body shook as if an earthquake was occurring. I knew things like this happened sometimes, so I just went with it, but nothing really happened after that, other than vibrations. I didn't really know what to do, either. Since I was pretty spooked out by that warm breeze still and nothing was happening after that "incident," I just sat up and went to my room to sleep. Having a nightmare was not on my to-do list.

In my own room I had two consecutive lucids immediately, I'm guessing because I was so exhausted. In one of the dreams, I was at school. When I "woke up" I had the feeling, as usual, that it is very easy and natural to do, and that I'm always capable of doing it. I wracked my brain, thinking of things people have told me to try that I hadn't before. I wasn't very alert or concentrated at this point (had to focus every ten seconds or so to remain lucid and wasn't really feeling much energy to try) so I knew I couldn't do anything huge. I looked around and realized, "I could try reading!" Someone had told me that reading things was interesting because after you read something, if you try to read it again it changes. To my knowledge, nothing changed, though, and I did read a few things. Oh well, I thought. I really can't remember the other thing I tried. It may have been using my phone because it was technology? If I did that, I think it also worked, but I didn't put much effort into that one, either. I know I ran to another classroom later because I remembered from my pre-lucid state that some of my friends were in the, say, English room. I always run in lucid dreams because it feels funny and unnatural and why not? When I got there I scanned the room, looking at my classmates, and saw someone I've always found very attractive. I kind of grabbed at his bare arm (he was wearing a t-shirt) but his arm grew thinner and slipped away. I know I looked to see if his twin was around (I also find him attractive, haha,) but I don't think he was. Whether he was there or not, I tried again, taking one of their wrists and this time holding on successfully. It was kind of a big deal getting our fingers to intertwine and holding hands.

As soon as we did and our palms pressed against each other, I woke up. I realized I was horny!! This was/is a big deal to me because even after 17, almost 18 years of living I have never been able to say that I have "felt horny." So, finally! (Don't worry, the rest is actually SFW.) I went back to sleep, knowing that I could wake up lucid again and hoping I could maybe figure out my sexuality a little bit, now that I know I'm capable of feeling horny. (I actually really hate that word.) So I entered my next dream lucid and what do you know? A blond, taller, and more built version of Josh Hutcherson happened to emerge from a shower. (I don't know why him - I even had to look up his name to type it just now - but whatever, I'll take it!) I won't write what my thoughts were about what I wanted to do, but basically nothing really happened, although I can't remember why. It's possible that I woke up within the next few minutes and gave up, or that I was too tired in my lucid state to continue, but either way, I know at some point I said "fuck it" and just gave up my lucid state because of my lack of motivation. In my head, I thought, "I know I'm exhausted in real life but I shouldn't be in my dream, too!" I wasn't feeling it, though.

If anyone reads this and knows what I was describing in the first paragraph, please let me know!

Realizations: reading isn't always impossible, it really is easy to become lucid, last time I was lucid (about a week ago) I also woke up a few times and had gone to bed late, it's difficult for me to figure out sexual things in dreams, and I need to work on not being lazy and unmotivated.