memorable

and im procrastinating.
but my dreams have tended to be absolutely bizarre and slightly negative lately.
i have had a number of "trying to wake up really hard but i can't" dreams. and false awakenings.
i also am really aggressive in a lot of dreams, like the one i had with matt when he randomly visited me and i was all pissed bc he shouldnt break our vow to not talk, but then after i felt really bad about it bc i was a bitch. and also the one where i was pissed at alex for prompting me to go to AA. OH SHIT and i had this marathon dream where i was literally a homeless boy and i was like ... ok it's way too complicated to even begin to describe but it involved this surreal video game type car thing like the rainbow infinity level in mario where u drive that little cart around on the rainbow lane and its so easy to fall off and if u do u fall in space, which is all in the background. basically i was pissed at amanda in that dream too, she's still in my dreams often and still as weird as ever in them

i am lovin the surreality (which is the art i'm studying in art history, probably prompting it) bc its fukin bizarre and interesting and outta this worldddd yo

barely lucid lately. slight moments mainly with flying.

i really should not be writing this bc of my final in several hours but this ones pretty damn weird....

so me alex mom and mom's whole side of the family were on vacation in hawaii. alex me and the clot boys were playing a super smash bros type game or some videogame. they were drinking and alex had straight up vodka and was drunk, which never happens in real life so it was weird. anyway so jeff was drunk too and he was like trying to do something weird with this box of wine that involved carrying it and throwing it really hard. to make it easier for the person who had to complete that task, he shook the box and broke all the bottles n i guess that made it better i dont fukin know. so then alex goes to grab the box and throw it, but i was like "wait but theres broken glass sticking out of that!!!" but he didnt care bc he was drunk and then he picked it up and then it fell on top of his hand.

alex looked with a horrified look at this forearm- it was broken off, his hand was gone, and there was this little plastic knob like barbies have when u break off their head. i thought that was weird but nonetheless we all were horrified for a moment and didnt know what to do and mom was screaming oh and joanie was there and then i was like WE NEED TO GO TO THE ER!! NOW and i randomly just pulled this fire alarm and i guess we happened to be in a hospital, such a subtle convenient dream switch, and rushed him over.

in the end he was fine but idk if his arm was broken off. dad told him he needs to go to AA. i was pissed bc Dad forced me to go bc mom and dad thought it would be "inevitable" so i might as well go with him. i was pissed at alex for doing that to me. they gave me an AA schedule for the week and said i need to go once a week. i freaked out and was like "IM NOT GONNA LEARN ANYTHING I HAVENT ALREADY LEARNED IV BEEN TO THOUSANDS OF FUCKIN MTGS!" and basically just went off on this tirade about how i dont need it and blablabla.

i think i lost that fight. then there was this whole portion of the dream where i wanted ranch and ketchup for this mass in n out fries order for the whole fam. i found ranch in the kitchen and was worried about the expiration date bc it looked gross but it said "expires 2064" on it so i was like damn i guess its new n fresh. i was mad that i didnt think to ask the person that ordered in n out for extra sauce... but in the end i made it work.

ari was also in the dream and she was trying to find me a swimsuit from her collection or something.

i had a very stable lucid dream just now, felt like it lasted hours, very vivid, very realistic. to me this is the biggest achievement bc i integrated all the methods i learned- hand checking, expectation, stabilizing, repeating it's a dream, etc... and it worked wtf!!!

ok so first i was getting into heroin (which is bc before i fell asleep i watched this documentary about how meth is an epidemic in sf for gay men- guess i just changed it to heroin). i injected myself for the first time and felt a rush. then i had to walk to my house. on the way though, everything got weird, fast. suddenly i noticed there was a lot of commotion and flashing lights and people running. it was bright daylight and i felt so good bc i was high so i almost didn't care. in fact i actually didnt care bc i was on the phone with ashley and i was telling her all this random shit about how gay people had more rights now and that i finally saw '21 and over' and couldnt stop quoting it (which really isnt true). while i was on the phone, sam b from scu was on my street and he looked at me and motioned with his hands and he was like 'there is an accident!' or something. i actually ignored him bc i sort of forgot he said that in the dream

eventually eric from scu came and said there is an accident and i was freaking out this time and i thought it was my fault but eric wouldnt give any details. i piggy back rode on his back to my house wtf and then at my house i had all my prep stuff and supplies and injected myself with more heroin and was in this heavy delirium and it was almost so intense that i thought i was going to explode or something. i looked out my window and saw an almost transparent reflection- a heavily armed man with a helmet and all this gear and camo aiming a huge gun straight at me. i heard 2 shots (not really loud like a real gun?) fired and i was crouching low under the window.

at that moment i realized that mom was going to come home from work soon and i had all this drug shit out. i also realized that if the cops came to save me or something i was screwed bc i had the paraphenelia. so i quickly tried to fix it but i was noddin off from the h. false awakening: mom came into my room. she didnt notice the stuff tho, bc i kind of put shit on top of it to cover it. but i started crying and hugged her so tight bc i was freakin out bc there was a guy aiming a gun at my window. mom started hugging me too but it was really tight and suddenly she was chocking me around the neck with her "hug". i literally couldnt breathe (felt like) and i was trying to stay "stop" but it was so hard. she finally stopped and left.

i had to figure out why the gunman was there. i found a bunch of journals in my room that were mom's. they were heavily detailed, there were lots of drawings she made of architecture and random scribbling notes all over it. mom can't draw but the drawings were actually very good. i tried to look and see if the drawings were her or printed from a publisher onto the pg, and it required me to analyze the pages really hard and the images are fresh in my head of the renderings. it was hard to tell whether she drew in it. but there was a lot of writing about John Baptist the Third, whoever that is. Mom suddenly came into my room and said we need to go, we need to escape. so i followed her and i was like mom wtf is going on and she wouldnt really tell me and i was like MOM WHO IS JOHN BAPTIST THE III? and she was like 'natalie. i'm the mother of john baptist the iii" and i was like "is that our cousin jonny??" and she was like "no, its the prominent mormon leader. im the most educated person on the topic in the world" and i was like "ARE YOU MORMON??" and she was like "oh god no" and then i realized WTF this is absurd. i realized it had to be a dream. i was like "MOM this is a fcking dream and that's not true!" and mom was like "no it isnt" and i was like "OH YA? lemme prove it!! can i FLY in real life?" and i flew and then she was just like indifferent.

i went home so i could do some lucid shit. i decided to stare at stuff and make it morph. i had this cubical shot class and i looked at each side and made the image on it change to wat i wanted. i chose pokemon and a bunny. then i decided to let my dream choose the sides. each time i turned it there was this elaborate neon pattern.

then the dream switched to me being in a car with casey and some guy. i still knew it was lucid tho. the dude gave me a mint and i dont like chocolate mint so i wanted a snickers so i just expected a snickers and it was! more affirmation that its a dream. when we got to casey's house, there was about to b this huge reception or something. it was a pretty nice house. i was in the living room and alex came in. i was like "dude idk im stuck in this dream and i cant really get out (bc i had tried to wake up earlier bc the gunman was so fkin scary but i kept wakin up to mom like i mentioned). he was like "this isnt a dream nat" and i just started floating to prove it. i was like "u wanna fly too?" and he was like "well ... damn ok ya sure" and then we just kinda flew around the house together and had this good sibling connection for a sec. then i went straight to the back door (where all the guests were coming in) and wanted to mess with them bc i knew it wouldnt matter bc its just a dream. ryan n zach dp were there and i flew straight up close to their faces and was like yelling random shit like "goobideegooo blaaa!!!" and they were all confused lol.

then the guests started leaving and i wandered outside and noticed a huge board of artwork. it was actually the most interesting art ever like i dont even know how my mind could come up with such beautiful things... it was like random images but sort of abstract with dark outlines and not proportional (a poodle, among other non-coherent images). i stared super hard and close in awe of my dream's capability to come up with such beautiful things. i decided it was time to wake up bc i was done with this dream. it was exhausting.

i went into the living room and casey was like 'i cant take you home bc we have guests still' the guests were a few ppl including this kinda creepy ish black guy. they would NOT let me go home and i was like ok fine ill just do some crazy lucid shit. the black guy tried to have sex with me right there in the living room and at first i was reluctant but then i was like oh well w/e its a dream ill do it and see how it is. his teeth had like gaps, just tiny ones in between each tooth. he wasnt really good looking and he definately was older but whatever i just tried to b attracted. the sex was actually really good and i tried to focus on the feeling of it in the dream and see how realistic it was. it really did feel realistic but also felt a bit different- almost like a different kind of pleasure or something.

then i went home and had a couple more false awakenings. i was frustrated bc i really really wanted to wake up. each time i woke up i had to make sure the heroin was gone. the last false awakening i realized it didnt matter bc i was in a dream.


DAYUMMM crazy fuckin dream. the craziest part was how DETAILED it was like all the writing and art i looked at.

didn't have time to post much lately but i wanted to record a super awesome lucid i had a couple weeks ago or so:

realized i was lucid, flew over this huge body of water at night, super detailed night reflections in the water and it was one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen. and then i flew over it a second time and there were sparkles in the water and at a certain angle this russian emblem shown through the water's surface and it was in a diff language, i tried to remember it for when i woke up but since it was in a diff language i couldnt. it was a really intricate design.
at one point i was like i want something cool to happen! duh i want a puppy to come out of my purse! so i thought of a cute little puppy and expected it when i opened my purse. hahahha dreams mess with me i pulled out a fucking stuffed dog chihuahua thing with buttons as eyes. i had to laugh at such a warped realization of my expectation and lucid attempt.

DREAM from like two nights ago:
crazy! i was hanging out with this girl like the morattas the blonde one and she was talking about her lesbian ness. i was like i never did that before. and eventually she was obviously gonna say "would you want to hook up with me?" and she did and i was like alright why not but i was SOOOO SCARED and then we were naked and making out and i was like into it but i didnt know really how to have sex so we just kinda grinded on each other and then for some reason i felt a dick even tho shes a girl and she doesnt have one but its a dream so it doesnt make sense. so anyways the sex was good and weird at the same time but nonetheless a new experience for me.

god damn why so much fuckin lesbian shit in my dreams. horny as fuk for guys n this is what i get in my dreams lol at least it feels just as good in dreams. plus in waking life i was lookin at this girls fb before bed trying to see if she was a lesbian bc she just seems like it n i was curious bc i have known her forever.

other dreams happened that aren't lucid but sucks bc i dont remember now....

was in this huge ass class room and probably close to hundred kids (mainly scu students) were having an insane rager, the crazy part was no alcohol but everyone was freaking the fuck out and making tribal noises and flipping tables and there was this huge slide and it was just mayhem. yannick was in the dream and we were BUDS wtf like i was all endearing to him and shit. and
me and bryn were friends again like old times but she was clearly lesbian for me and i wanted to be her friend but that was freaking me out bc she kept saying suggestive things and talking to other people about how she wants to hook up with me. then i walked out of the classroom with gabby p and i was like "gabby i neeeeed to talk to you " it was about bryn but gabby thought that i meant i had a problem with gabby herself, i never got to tell her what i wanted to say because we reached our destination too quickly. the destination was this place where .. actually it is irrelevant and not interesting.

bloody scene involved a good friend of mine (dont kno them in real life) but they were an alcoholic mess, blood blood blood everywhere and his arm was cut open and the bone was revealed he looked like a bloated red dying drunk and he didnt care he just had a beer can in his hand still drinkin. i took him to the hospital.

got home and parked my car and rand into mom on some street. alex was there too. mom was normal and then suddenly her eyes got big and she was like "wait a minute... I don't feel good." and then she started breathing hard and fell to the ground blood was coming out of her nose. i was freaking out and trying to calm her down at the same time and also call the police. i told alex to feel her heart beat and then i would call but he was so freaked out he didnt do it right away, so i had to scream and it was so fucking chaotic. i tried to type in all these numbers to call but i kept messing up bc i was so freaked out. alex was so pissed at me bc i insisted i do it myself but i was doing a shitty job. suddenly, we turned on each other. he started saying things like i am a selfish person with so many vices and that i financially drained the family. i felt this huge wave of aggression like i have never felt in waking life (rarely) and i stared at him like a demon and he stared at me too and the feeling built up and up and i finally just pushed him and then i was like WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT this is so fucked up and i love alex and he loves me and wtf is going on. looked at my hands. looked at them more than other dreams. in other dreams i was like self-conscious bc i thought "what if this is actually reality and im just standing here staring at my hands like an idiot while my mom is having a heart attack?" but my hands were clearly dream. there was 6,7,8,9 digits each time i looked, the fingers were all varying in length, and i had a solid, true feeling THIS IS A DREAM and i said that in my head a lot. i knew about not telling dream characters i knew it was a dream, but i was SO sure that it was a dream that i didnt give 2 fux and i told my brother "OMG its ok alex!!!! it's ALRIGHT dont worry mom's ok this is a DREAM!!!" and i just wanted to see what he would say. he was actually happy and he was like "well, that's great!".

went outside waiting for the ambulance with mom, i just flew away. which would b a dick move in real life but its a dream soo yeah. peace out ima go fly, i flew a bit and then i decided i fly too much in lucids i want something better!! so for some reason i thought it would b cool to have an item of my choice just fly to my hands. so i thought about a coke can really hard and then put my hand out and it flew over and i caught it. i did that with a couple other items that unfortunately i do not recall.

me and hailey m and some other people were at this huge convention in the woods and there was a huge auditorium and a big screen with all these images and an audience. i was surprised to see hailey bc she was pregnant with triplets. we became friends in the dream. she was a welcoming cousin, just like i guess i always subconsciously wanted her to be (since she always is my friend in my dreams). i remember there was this fundraising bucket with money in it. i took over 10 dollars and didn't tell anyone.

to get out of the woods, we had to walk bc cars weren't allowed. it sucked, there were prickly things everywhere and large animals. we ended up in some lady's boat house and stole a lot of food while she was looking.

then the dream switches to "uc irvine". but it was a dream version, super unrealistic. VERY vivid (maybe bc i took dream enhancer vitamins last night). i was in this room conversing with a lot of people. matt was there and i was so happy for him bc it was his first day at school and he seemed like he was having a great time with lots of friends.

i look over, and what do you know? hes banging this girl in public IN FRONT OF ME and he looks at me and looks sort of guilty but keeps going. i was so hurt that i ran away. but first i said some passionate speech to him and he was like sorry sorry. but it did't make me feel better.

the rest of the dream was me wandering the irvine halls looking for matt. my logic was fucked bc i knew he didn't care about me bc of what he did, but i love him so much that i was kind of unaware of the girl he banged like half the time. such a sad dream

LUCID: in the dream i kept staring at my hands and i knew it was a dream but it was so damn vivid it was ridiculous. i was really tripped out. but then my fingers were regular 5 digits, so i thought i wasn't in the dream anymore. that happened right before i was done figuring out what i wanted to happen in my lucid dream. unfortunately i was stuck, also, bc i have no plan of what i want to happen in my lucid dreams. gotta do that.

the most clear scene from my dream was this: me and obama laying next to each other under a blanket. there were some other people around (my friends, mainly AA ones). but they couldn't hear us. we were talking quietly. he was surprisingly just a normal dude and very humble. i was quite turned on by him and he could tell bc he was, too. and he said well why don't you kiss me already? and i said " well i mean.... the thing is... i feel like you have kissed other students from my school". and he said "only 3, and 2 weren't even friends with alex (from AA). For some reason i knew that the students that were friends with alex didn't mean anything to him. then i started regretting asking him all these stupid questions bc i mean, when else would i get to kiss the president?! but luckily he was still down and he kissed me like super conservative but sensual. anyway then for some reason i realized oh shit he has a wife! what about michelle? i asked him. he looked pained and said that they were having their own relationship ups and downs..... i didn't question him.

another scene was with me and obama and justin bieber. jb was being super obnoxious, instagramming everything like a little shit. but obama was friends with him and wanted to play a game with me, jb, and himself. the game was throwing a marble type ball at justin bieber, and if we missed, he got a point. i was surprisingly really good. half way through jb turned into a midget, which i guess i just noticed and didn't comment on. jb won but it was a close game.

another part of the dream, earlier, was stealing clothes with abdu. i needed a particular shirt and he wouldnt even let me buy it, he just stole it.

another part was justin being shot by a BB gun or something. he was extremely hurt. i remember being really scared and the police were out but since we were with obama it really wasn't a big deal. i didn't know if justin would make it though bc i had never seen him in so much pain.

at another point in the dream, i asked katie kalbhan if she wanted a blunt that i had if she paid me. i really needed money for some reason (i think to get home bc my mom was freakin out. i had the sense she was freakin out the whole dream, which is a continual theme i have). anyway she said that she can't smoke bc it made her trip out and i said me too! funny thing is, she smokes a lot (i think) and also i don't even know her in real life and shes some random ass girl from high school.

i also remember clearly the van we were in with abdu. it was big and white, like dad's car. speedin down the night freeway.

oh yeah and... well there was another part where me and obama and a bunch of the AA people and bryn got naked and did some DP centipede shit but not anal? it was so weird but for some reason i didn't think it was in the dream. except for the fact that sierras dad, my employer, was on the other human chain right next to me. i was like ew wat a sicko. i remember sort of enjoying it but feeling numb as well.

WHY THE EFF COULDNT I LUCID DREAM? I was literally kicking it with obama. i got to be more in tune with things that are out of the ordinary! but it was still a cool dream.

so in my dream i was at this huge river. it was an activity in the land where i was in my dream, an activity that involved riding an animal that seemed to be like a camel under water. i sat on the animal underwater like riding a horse, and the head of the animal popped up. the head looked like a cross between a deer and an ostrich and a camel, and it was the color of a camel. i rode it down a crowded river (there were other ppl riding and in boats and swimming so it was difficult to navigate at times). i finally got to the end where i was to pick up sierra. weirdly enough, i'm not sure i actually saw her in the dream but i know she absolutely loved the sea animal ride that i took her on.

then i was in this huge frat house. it was a beautiful house like you would see in a magazine with a large backyard and pool, but there were bottles and random crap everywhere bc they had a lot of parties there. there were huge frat guys there that i apparently knew. one of them was wearing sunglasses in the house. throughout the house, there were dudes passed out randomly from partying.

me and matt and kiely were on the floor in sleeping bags next to the couch where bryn was watching tv. it was some cartoon that was out of this world. it was like 3d and it was a mish-mash of crazy alien-like images set to techno music. kiely was freaking out bc she thought she was a slut bc of some story she told us about her past. apparently she went into the bathroom with some guy and he said you can have your pants on or off. she chose off. i told her she was just freaking out and shes fine. kiely went to the bathroom, and me and matt wanted to cuddle so we rolled next to the couch so bryn couldnt see. i remember pushing back from the couch so that she couldnt hear either. i remember this part vividly- looking up at the couch from the wood floor and pushing as hard as i could to slide us back. we didn't really get to do anything bc the dream switched or i just dont remember....

i was outside by the pool. there was some huge hammock device. i was told to swing into the hole that the strings created and onto the large tree. i swang like a park swing a bunch of times, back and forth as hard as i could, and i remember yelling things like "i cant do this!! this is so hard!" and laughing.

dream switched again. mom found my computer and freaked the fuck out bc she searched history and apparently i have something to hide. she was screaming and furious and i felt dread and fear. i grabbed the laptop from her, and then started to gather all my shit from the frat house. i had to babysit sierra and i only had 2 hours to get there. before leaving, i went to some drawer and found a bunch of stickers and things and went through them for about 15 min it felt like in order to find sierra some cute things. i picked out pumpkin halloween, barbie ish, stars, and other stickers. i remember their images completely clearly, each sheet of stickers was as real as anything.

i got in my car and raced over to the hymans to see them and then pick up sierra from somewhere. it was the second time we were going to go sea animal riding. i went to the hymans residence, but it was a different house but i knew it was them still. they were nice, but for some reason i couldn't remember their last names and they asked me to find their phone number on my phone just in case of an emergency. for the life of me i couldnt remember their last names, or even first names, and i also couldn't navigate my phone bc it was a whole different interface. they were kind of weirded out by my inability to find them in my phone. they eventually called the sea riding off bc of it, and i felt rejected and tried to change their mind. they tried to distract me by showing me some cat that their friend had created from scratch? it wasn't a real cat it was made from a human. i told them i had heard about it. she said that it did a bunch of tricks. it was a creepy black cat like ricky and its fur was all mangled up like a shitty black haired barbie. it was all contorted and freaky looking. hillary told me she wanted him to do a trick with me. i uncomfortably agreed and the cat came towards me.

idk what happened after that. i did enjoy the sea animal rides and the animal was so cute that i rode with its little head sticking out of the water so cutely.