side notes

Side note 1 was initially a Waking Life entry but I decided to share it with you because I feel stuck and maybe someone can post something useful
The feeling that I'm in some kind of winding tunnel has become stronger. I can almost "see" the limits of my attention. Also on days that I don't exercise I'm in a bad mood going from irritable to depressed.
I feel that something is changing in my values,in the way I see the world ( the Germans have a word for this: Weltanschauung/ world view) but not every change is for the better. I attribute this to meditation, but I'm not sure. I have no proof of this, it's just intuition (or wishful thinking)
There's a strong gap between how I perceive myself and how the others see me: It seems to them that my behaviour and my way of thinking improved substantially(I don't feel like a genious and I wasn't dumb before so how exactly am I better) but inside I feel like I'm just a massive thing that's simultaneously alive&inanimate object and that what I once considered 'me' is a lot smalle&less alive than I used to think. The nickname Arrakis never seemed more appropriate than now.
I am pouring specific thoughts on this forum because I am under the impression that they are really important to my LD/WL.
Ironically it is still very clear to me that part of me dreams and part of me is awake at the same time and that there is only one realm, like I am some kind of planet where things happen all the time, and that there is night and day, all part of the same process. No real use treating them separately.
However, I probably need to look closer at this belief/observation and I know I will have to rephrase it over and over until I resolve this tension between the perceived inner unity and the intense feeling of being partially dead/automaton. How can one feel dead? That's another paradoxical/bad phrasing. I think what I mean is I observe myself doing things but I am only aware of doing them not deciding them and I also notice that they are not context sensitive most of the time. It's like being in a straight jacket and that straight jacket is you, is part of who you are.
Why do I need LDs when I don't even know in what pocket my keys are?
Do you know where your keys are?

I haven't written anything since I joined this forum. I have had several LDs but I only remember how I gained lucidity in one of them: I was in a stressful situation ( that is too often the case ) and instead of becoming even more tense I thought to myself : That cannot happen in RL, so I must be dreaming! And All of a sudden I understood that I was dreaming and felt relieved and changed the scenery so to speak .
I seem to be "dragged under water" for long periods of time, I forgot that I wanted to write my dreams and keep a DJ and so on. It's like sometimes I have this tunnel vision in my life when I can only focus on one or two important things and I completely forget about other things.
I still meditate, not as much as I would like even though I find it subjectively beneficial.
I was in Barcelona and I jogged up to 15 km a day. It feels like a dream now.
I've noticed that when I'm on duty at the hospital and some emergency wakes me up in the night this really ruins my sleep, not just for that night but sometimes for longer. I wish I were more adaptable or that people were healthier. That would work too.
I'm trying to connect math, physics, medicine, meditation, LD, martial arts training, jogging, healthy eating, nutritional supplements into one. I feel strained instead of stronger.
Anyway this was a good English exercise.