AgentSir

January 13, 2016

I had a dream that I really wish didn't need a reason to exist.

I had a dream that me and this guy that I used to see almost every weekend went on a trip. I was really skeptical of whether or not I wanted to go, but I decided that I would just because I had missed this persons company. What really upset me was that in my dream, he still wanted to have sex with me and I was stupid enough to let it happen. Not even an hour later he was saying he didn't feel good and I offered to walk down to the gas station that was near us and get him a ginger ale or something. And he told me that he would rather go home. I told him okay and that it was fine, I understood even though it really made me sad. We still stopped at a gas station and he asked if I would go in and get him a drink and I told him of course I would. I wasn't even gone for two minutes and he had fucking left. Disappeared. Ignoring any texts or calls I sent his way. I was crushed. I felt fucking stupid for falling into a trap for a third time. I felt used and unwanted.

And I hate to say that I haven't seen this person in a year, but I really hate saying that I have a reason to even have this dream.

I wish I wasn't so stupid. I wish I didn't have a reason to have a dream like this. But like I said, I haven't seen this person in a year, other than the times I had seen him at the grocery store on my lunch breaks for work but I would try and quickly walk by hoping that I wasn't seen, so why would I have even had this dream? Why is he in it and not someone else? I've been used and lied to by other people before and after him. So why would I have a dream about this one person? And I know I still care about this person. I am too kind hearted not to. I don't care how long it's been since we've talked, if you need help I'll alway be around. But I hate having reasons to have dreams like this. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't around anymore. The only things that are keeping me grounded are my loving family, friends, and the hope that no matter how many times I have to be hurt, that I will find that once person who won't care about anything else but me. Someone who won't just stop talking to me and find someone that is better, like I've had happen a thousand times before, because I'm going to be the one that is better for them.

I really wish I wouldn't have had this dream to make me miss the company of this person. I wish I wouldn't have had this dream to think about all the good memories I remember about them. I wish that I wouldn't have had this dream to be reminded that I can't seem to be good enough for some people. I wish I wouldn't have had this dream to be reminded that I'm just a toy--you can be their favorite for a while, but soon enough they will get bored with it and throw it away for a new one.
I just want to be wanted and appreciated. I'm someone that will need some time to open up and show you how I feel. It may take a long time, but I need someone who is going to be patient and push through it because they know how hard it is opening up to someone after telling the person before that you're not used to showing affection because every time you do they get hurt. How you're scared to kiss the person that you care about because you don't want to get too attached to that person because deep down you're not sure if they're different or not.

And I'm not trying to say all this to be negative about the person in this dream. I still think really high of them and I hope that they finally found what they wanted. And if they took the time to read this, I want you to know that I don't care that you have found a girlfriend. I'm really happy for you, but I'll still be here if you ever need anything no matter how big, small, or stupid.

I love you, friend.
Have a nice night

January 17, 2016

I don't remember how my dream began..

We were in the woods; my whole family.It was my mom, my aunt, my grandma, my uncle, my eight year old brother, and some other 'family' that I didn't recognize.

I asked what we were doing out here and my aunt said, "We do this once a year."

And I was confused. Im almost 20 and have never done this in my life. So I asked he, "We do what?"

She only replied with "You'll see."

There was railroad tracks just ahead and there were various buildings and trees everywhere around us.

I noticed everyone else picking up sticks and I turned to my aunt and said, "so were just picking up sticks?"

She told me yes and after she said that I seen this big black link of what looks like mining carts passing by on the tracks. There wasn't really an engine attached anywhere on the link of carts so I'm not sure how it got there, but the twenty or so carts just stopped. I noticed something in one of the far right carts. It was something big and black. I could see it slightly moving like it was asleep. And then I realized what it was. A fucking bear.

I had noticed when everyone was picking up the sticks that they were being really hesitant and very careful with them. I turned to my aunt and asked, "Once of us is going to pick something up or step on something to wake that bear up, aren't we?"

She just looked at me and nodded her head. I wanted to run. To get out of there.



All of the sticks had been picked up around where they were supposed to be picked up and everyone began questioning where the trigger was this year. We started looking around, going into the buildings around us, watching our steps. We had split into groups and I had followed my aunt and my mom. We had went into one of the smaller buildings while everyone else was splitting up into the bigger farm style building, and then it happened.

There was a loud scream. Did we hit the trigger in the small building? Or did someone find it over in the bigger building? Regardless. I was in a panic. And then there was loud banging on our door. There was a small hole in the door that I could look through to see who it was. I was hesitant fearing that It was the bear approaching, but it wasn't. It was my eight year old brother. I quickly opened the door and let him in, then locked it straight behind him. When I let him in, I could see the bear Trying to decide where he wanted to go. We all kept very quiet hoping that he wouldn't come our way. But it didnt matter. A few minutes later it was tearing at our door trying to get in. My aunt opened up this secret door way that was in the floor and told me and my brother to go. We went down in and hid and there was tunnels everywhere.

"BANG!" There was a loud gun shot. the scratching stopped and my mom and aunt came down.

"Quickly," she said, "follow me."

And we follwed her into a room. I was assuming this one was in the other, larger building because there was another doorway.

"What was that?" I asked. She said my grandpa had shot the bear to give us some time.

Other came down into the room, and i noticed something. There was another door above and below us. And something else. Another bear.

The others came down quickly, including the cub. They managed to get the cub into the next room below us. And the cub had screamed. Then the mother screamed. We were in trouble now. She was coming for us. In this room with no escape.

My grandpa told everyone to get ready, and for me and my eight year old brother to get back. So we did, and he let the bear in.

She fell down searching for her cub. Standing up on her back feat and screaming.

And they attacked. Shot after Shot, trying to kill the bear. And it was done. They had killed the bear. and they went down and killed the smaller bear.

Was it over?

Out of no where, my uncle asked my grandpa a question. (I cant remember what the question was). But after my grandpa had picked something my uncle told him something ( I cant remember what they had said--My uncle had gotten rid of something of my grandpas?)

But then he lost it. I heard shot followed by shot. And then it was pointed at me. Everything went black.



I could see again. We were at a restaurant. Me, my mom, and my grandpa.

He opened the door, "Ladies first." And we went in.

What the hell just happened?

First were fighting a bear, then I get shot, and now were at a restaurant? Was I dreaming in my dream?