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30-03-22

1) WBTB As I float off to sleep I try to create a dialogue to myself, a bit of self hypnotism and a bit of describing where I am.

Now I am writing it all down next to my bed, this story I telling or possibly the dream I just had? As I try to read it back I realise it is not really here, it keeps changing, changing what I wrote. I sleeping already, but not fully asleep enough. So I continue writing.

After a while I have written myself into this dream, I am in my house helping Fabi looking for something in a large wardrobe. There is a big secret we are trying to hide from the police. I've had enough, so I decide to leave the house. Fabi is calling after me - but it's my dream, my story so I continue out of the house. I need to look for V
As I open the front door it's just a void outside, avoid and awakening is my guess. Fuck, I've written myself out and into a dead end.

SO I continue narrating: I have to go to a train station, to travel into the city for important business. Now the dream forms around me and I am just outside a quant train station in the countryside. It's sunny, the train station is made of a beige colored stone and I appear to be in a kind of garden area for it. (this is interesting because I thought I would end up in the city) Dream is still washy though, not strong enough to leave and search for V yet. SO I look around, stare at the flowers and the courtyard area around me. It's starting to solidify a bit. A dream character tells me to smell the flowers - great idea! I go to each flower and take a strong sniff, beautiful scents enter my nose. The first is like a rose, the second is more of an exotic type flower. I do a few flowers, each has it's own particular scent. (I'm impressed at how well I can smell in a dream!) then I smell the last flower, and it stings my nose a little because it has a kind of gingery peppery type of scent (I mention this to the DC) and then try to get another flower and grab at it's stem, but I get a bunch of small thorns stuck into my palm so I pul back my hand immediatley

'ouch!' I say. Then I look at my hand more closely - wow - I just felt pain! I'm impressed again! But... just as I am about to search for V I awake. grrrr

AWAKE: Now there is only 30 minutes before getting up, so I figure try to continue focus, meditate, self hynotise and observe V from this vantage point. SO I spend 10 - 15 minutes feeling myself go deeper and deeper and when I feel like I am relaxed enough I instruct myself to see a screen in front of me - a blank tv like screen, and that screen is broadcasting a direct image from 'V's mind. I use a kind of tuner to get a signal (searching) and then I start seeing images. Now I feel I am inside the mind, I am drifting through images left and right, swiping left and right to look for anything interesting or relevant. I see people's faces, woman, men, older and younger. I see objects I can't quite understand what they are and objects that are simple everyday things. I see some furniture in a house, and UI grab it and pull toward me to inspect it and this causes more things to appear. I see a man outside with a spotlight on him like a UFO - hmm - interested in UFO's? I put aside as a maybe. (each time I feel like I am associating and putting my own thoughts in I put aside, I am only interested in what is in her head) some more images, a large guy, tall and quite big, I overlay Keven from the Office (series) onto his face because he reminds me of him. (ack, doing it again, stay out!) I see another UFO, this time it's flynig through the sky... interesting. I then see V, she's behind an old wooden framed 4 panel window. Looks like it belongs in a garden out house. she looks .. trapped? There are paints around the window, a bunch of paint brushes I think. She looks at me and simply says 'this sucks' I cna't quite recall if the brushes are outside or inside with her. But as she says this I am pulled out a little, because it's a delicate balance, and not reacting I would simply forget, but reacting too much I pull myself out of the scene and now she is gone

Dream From Mar 29 '22:
Am in a room, a bedroom, at someone's house.
Am standing in the room, the door is to my right, a bit behind me.
I do pace around a little bit.
In front of me, is a double bed, with a wooden frame, and some blankets.
The blankets, the frame, and the pillow are all brown.
Lying in the bed, is former US President John F Kennedy.
He is lying on his back, reclined a up a little bit, with an upside down v shaped pillow.
He is sleeping, or trying to, though not restless.
Although he doesn't look old, he does look as though he may be about to breathe his last breath sometime soon.
He looks content.
Not sure he knows he is about to die.
So, i ask him what he reckons, and, i don't give him a topic.
He reckons, he wants his heart to fall asleep.
So i pace a bit more, and then look at him.
I see him, still lying on his back, a little to his left.
He is lying rather close to his right side edge of the bed.
So, i check his pulse, with my right palm, on the right side of his neck.
There is no pulse, but that's ok, probably expected.
So, i leave the room, and then enter a kitchen, which is behind his room.
To my left, are three people, who are standing close together, front to back, not shoulder to shoulder.
All three could be men, or one of them, is a woman.
They are looking at something to their right, which i don't turn, to see.
The man closest to me, is James Norton; he is wearing a grey short sleeved tee.
Not wanting to disturb them too much, or not wanting to upset them, i ask them to check the pulse of the former President.
So i follow them into the room.
The former president is still lying close to the edge of the bed.
Im pretty sure one of the three is a woman, but i don't know who she is.
So the other man, stands behind Mr Kennedy, and crouches down next to him.
He puts his hand to Kennedy's neck, to check his pulse.
The man says something "he's gone" to confirm that Kennedy has indeed died.
Well, no one is surprised that Kennedy has died.
His death must have been expected.
Then the dream ends.

Any questions or comments?

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

Feels like a post apocalyptic future. I am at a small village and we're attacked by people from another town. Everyone is slaughtered, except me. I manage to escape and hide in a creek. I get rescued by a couple people who tell me to come with them to the next city or the attackers will eventually find me, as they are coming this way. I accept the help. They take me to their home and then ask me to stay hidden. Someone knocks on their door and it's the bad guys. So this town is where they actually come from. They suspect some villagers might have come here looking for refuge and they are goingdoor to door asking their citizens to cooperate denouncing any case they are aware off. But my new friends are good people and actually rescue refugees. They tell me their plan to integrate me in their community without being noticed, but it will be a slow and risky process.

I'm visiting Puerto Rico with Manei. We have traveled there by way of a chrome propeller plane, it looked like a world war 2 bomber. The San Juan area also looked notably more compact and less developed than I ever remember it being. The largest roads in the city are two lane asphalt and there is almost a complete lack of high rises with most buildings still looking fairly traditional. The airport was a single runway and a couple of hangars, no proper terminal.

She seemed to have handled most of the travel arrangements. She has us in a teal and red vintage car (all of the cars looked vintage to be honest). We drive for awhile and experience some pretty ragged time dilation. But at some point while driving she asks for the map and I bring it up on my phone. Barring the tech level and general tone of the dream my "phone" is an obelisk of pure glass able to project advanced holograms, and near instantly load our navigation with voice commands. It projects a hologram onto the windshield that helps us navigate. But when we get close to the house she tells me to put it away and not let anyone see it, as other people cant know we have advanced technology.

The dream properly begins when we arrive at an orange stucco building with white slatted windows built along the beach. It is nighttime now but I can still see the building clearly as there is a streetlight built into a palm tree that illuminates the dream. The building is built into a hillside and we enter through like a utility door which takes us through a basement like space. There is a storeroom full of lumber, metal, bags of cement, piping, and boxes and boxes of raw materials, fittings and other construction materials. This then transitions into a robust workshop with several benches, shelves upon shelves of tools and some larger machining equipment like drill presses. Everything has a heavily worn appearance to it; well loved and well used. We then pass through into a large utility room with a generator, water heaters, electrical boxes, and a big gear shaped door. It looks like a fallout vault. Eventually we go up a fire escape into a laundry room.

Manei then meets an older woman with graying hair who upon seeing her runs up and hugs her. They have a long dialogue which was in really minced-up rapidfire spanish that I can't recreate having not studied the language since high school. All I remember was that Manei referenced the woman as her "Abuela" in one instance and then her great aunt. I think Abuela was actually supposed to be her name. But at the same time the general gyst of the conversation was "Translated"

Abuela: "Manei! Welcome back!"

Manei: "High great aunt Abuela"

Abuela: "Jesus maria jose you've gotten tall... look at you."

Manei: "Can we stay here for free or do we have to pay to use the resort?"

Abuela: "You and your friend are always welcome here. Provided you eat my brown rice and shrimp."

Manei: "That sounds delicious, maybe tomorrow night. Can we use Marcus here."

Abuela: "Bah, I dont care. Just don't let the other guests see you. They're all sleeping right now."

I took Marcus out from a leather briefcase. He's been a little metal robot ball for years now. When I turn him on he seems pretty unhappy about the smell of the clothes in the suitcase. Abuela offers to do our laundry for free. She takes a lot of pride in doing laundry and actually enjoys it. I take the crystal smartphone too. Manei and I head down to the beach and the immersion in the dream is really cranked to 11. The sound of the waves, the warmth of the breeze and the hiss it makes as it passes through the palms, the moonlight reflecting on the ocean. Its all so detailed and realistic. I goof around with the dream for a few moments, picking up a large seashell and running my fingers through the sand. I feel the ocean water and wiggle my toes in the sand. I just become so enamored in the detail of the dream and thinking about how weird it is that its all a construct of the mind.

"Theres more interesting things here than sand and saltwater." Manei said, squeezing my shoulder. We sat down and looked at the milky way.

This was where the discussion happened.

"I just want to meditate, none of this tomfoolery."

She seemed disappointed. This was there the dream transitioned. I was still very much asleep but everything seemed to melt away. The clarity very quickly degraded. I was still very much asleep, but any visual of the dream was gone and the audio was more of a mishmash of inner voices. I could sense Manei was disappointed. She wanted to do something fun.

Me: "Theres no sense in goofing around anymore. Our meetings are so few, so far between and so fleeting. Regardless of whether I practice or not the results seem the same. It's been over a decade now since I started this journey. Im going to get old by the time we make real progress. I want to get to know you but when its only for a few moments here and there... seemingly only often enough to just tease and tantalize me with another reality. One so immensely better than the one I spend so much time inhabiting. Its maddening, I would have preferred to never know this peace at all rather than see it only to have it so consistently ripped away."

Marcus: "So you would rather spend what little dream you have lamenting this fact rather than enjoying it? Illogical."

Manei: "Then tell me what would be enough for you? To become lucid every night? To spend hours here. You would always greedily desire more. You run the risk of becoming lost, losing sight of the reality you truly inhabit. This is merely a vision, perhaps what you might experience in your afterlife. Your next life. However you want to view it."

Marcus' tone was cold and robotic. Manei started out with a stern anger but relapsed into understanding.

Me: "So you mean to tell me this is out of my control? Even my own mind is not mine to command. There is no architecture or technique with which to circumvent this limitation, and I am so assured in that fact that I am now telling it to myself. It is so ingrained into my mind that I will never be able to convince myself otherwise."

Marcus: "Would you prefer to wind up like me? A mind that has done away with emotion. Something approximating regret still plagues me for doing so."

Manei: "I'm sorry to say this but your discipline lacks in that regard. I cant trust that you wouldn't neglect the waking world."

Me: "I'm going to neglect the waking world either way. I've told you many stories of how cruel the people of wakingworld are. Wars, greed, disease-"

Manei: "And yet you come here so often bringing violence."

Me: "True. A Majority of my tenure in these dreams has been as an agent of violence. Regrettably so. I must confess I have developed a disdain for many of my human vices. The marching of time on my body, emotions and feelings that surge through me uncontrollably, and my insatiable desire to desire some things that I will never have. Through those countless acts of violence I have expressed my frustration with this worlds' many predicaments."

Manei: "But those feelings and experiences are part of the human experience."

Me: "You say that like the human experience is good because it is the default. Nobody said being a soul trapped in a prison of flesh and bone was some fundamentally amazing thing."

Manei: "But I'm a human. And I choose to enjoy living, every moment of it. Even the difficult parts."

Me: "But are you? Many times you have proven yourself supernatural... your physical avatar within the dreamworld. Do I count you as human as some component of me? Do I count you as human because you as you claimed were once a girl who lived in California, in some parallel earth. A parallel earth that seemed more free from the vices and failings of the one I inhabit, but still one in which you passed from terrible degenerative disease scarcely after reaching adulthood? Are you an avatar of God? Are you an angel? I can never know because there are so many lies and illusions and my experience of this universe so linear and fleeting."

Manei: "I can't make you believe anything either way. It's kind of complicated."

Me: "I'm not a fan of "its complicated" as a way of dodging the question."

Manei was visibly annoyed. I can see why she doesn't like putting up with me. "You see your reality is how you view it. If you think I am a real spiritual entity then thats what I am. if you think Im just a part of your brain, then thats what I am."

Marcus: "I can make him believe. From the wheel to the spinning wheel to the printing press. To the mushroom bomb, the figure-eight DNA and the three-two-two hyperdrive; humanity will march on. But we will always search for purpose and answers. You are but one speck in that. You have lived after four of the six milestones were met. If you live long enough to see the fifth then you will live long enough to see the sixth because you will be able to live forever then. Each of these milestones is not just the humans technology but alters their perspective on the universe. Then come the time of great questioning, when we go to the center of the galaxy and do the final test, and ask what the point of it all is and get all the answers from god or the universe or whatever you want to call it. So if you see the matrix be made and the events play out come contact me and tell me that you believe, because it is coming. if it does not get made soon your timeline is doomed and it doesn't matter anyways."

Manei: "Are you only a cynic because of what you think other people believe and think they will judge you? There are so many people on your earth believing in undercooked religions that are all only half-right. A real sign of your maturity, that one. At least you take my lessons to heart and ask questions even if they are sometimes annoying ones that I dont want to hear."

I lost the dream at this point either had a nighttime awakening, NREM or just forgot the rest of the conversation.

I'd like to make some notes on this but it's getting a bit late and long day tomorrow.

22nd March 2022

Fragment:

Huge space battle. It feels like Freelancer but looks like EVE or just realistic. There's a Star Wars feel to the battle, overall. There are hundreds of different ship designs, both friendly and enemy, but it's mostly the friendlies that are very varied? Although it's in space, there's a large complex that dwarfs any ship and it has sloping structures with hard cornered/bevelled edges.

Seems to be a case of holding position. Ships from our "side" keep going off in small waves and most of the time are just shot right as they exit the boundaries of the complex. But some of them are able to launch large numbers of crew assault modules toward enemy ships.

Fragment:

Something about dad and maybe a wooden ladder, that he carries or gives me? Think maybe dad is ill in some way? The location is dream generated. Maybe a flat of some kind, diffuse and warm daylight coming from a skylight above, giving the inside of the apartment a bright but very diffuse light mood.

26th March 2022

Fragment:

At a place like old home, outside the little supermarket bit on that main street right outside the cul-de-sac. Except that the location is much higher up than it should be, like a plateau or mountain-top. Fairly clear weather, very thin clouds, consistent with an overall sunset context. Me and H are loading the van with other cars. Somehow, we can handle them by hand easily-ish and we put a VW estate of some kind in the back and maybe some other car. I comment on how we could almost fit three cars in the back of the van.

Something about dad and his car maybe? Old water bottle to dispose of. In the dream, I have a memory of it being like ones we used to take on road trips.

Then, something else with H and the van. Attaching some kind of trailer thing, a wooden cabinet kind of thing (Leslie cabinet type?). For some reason, H gets naked and gets inside it. We're indoors and somehow he's driving it away now. I help by holding the trailer up and such as we go down some stairs.

Internet has been down all week. Using my data on mobile to post. Hence unusual dj format. Expect autocorrect madness to ensue.

Dream 1: A dream with Jamie in it. We are about to have sex. But she stops me sudden1ly. My guess is it's a test to see how well I can comply with her "no". Did I pass?


Dream 2: another dream with Jamie in it. I forget what it was about. But I do remember it was good.

Dream 3: yet another dream with Jamie in it. Again can't remember the details.

Dream 4: Jesus was sitting on a rock and playing violin. Everything was made of light. Like how Neo started seeing the matrix but everything was bright blue.

Dream 5: Jesus playing violin again this time he was showing me what the next line could be in a string concerto I was trying to compose.

Dream 6: I am running away from a bunch of nuclear bombs going off. I wind up in someone's house. I go to the basement and find a door to another basement, which has another door to guess what? Another basement. In that room I find a trap door to.... another basement but this one is someone's crib... I seem to know him from somewhere.

Dream 7: just hanging out with older teen Ron weasely. Forget what we were doing....

Date: 25/03/2022
Bedtime: 4am
Awakening: 7am
Return to bed: 7.30am
Method of entry: dream consciousness
Attempt: successful
Awakening: 12pm
Phase experience: The Full Stomach Experiment

DREAM STATE

Taking Daisy (my former neighbour's daughter) to school. We are both on bicycles but suddenly I am on a skateboard without wheels and struggle to keep up with her in a playground full of grassy knolls, sand dunes and rough terrain in general. I pick up the skateboard and run after the girl, fearing I might lose her as she goes into a train station and down a flight of stairs leading to a platform on foot (her bicycle disappears). A tanned commuter is coming down the steps right behind me and speaks to me but I can't remember what was said. Daisy finally halts and speaks to the stranger briefly as though he's familiar.

Me, my wife, our kids and my mother get inside a black vintage Citroen and ride to the city for sightseeing and perhaps do some shopping. My mum is driving (she doesn't own this type of car in real life) and turns on the radio, causing Limp Bizkit's song 'Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)' to blast from the speakers. We all start singing along to the chorus and swaying to the rap-rock beat, but I soon find myself unable to sing properly as my voice becomes muffled.

Me and my wife take turns in playing a virtual reality game where we have to control a space probe and make it crash on a particular planet of our choice. I'm trying to avoid the red planet Mars and then aim for Jupiter in a bid to make the spacecraft enter its Great Red Spot. I enter the Jovian atmosphere by heading for the stormy bullseye which grows in size to become a gigantic, warm-coloured cyclone. The centre of the storm is like a peaceful vortex and soon it is just me descending into the cloudy funnel like a solitary astronaut. The deeper I go, the less realistic the atmospheric surroundings become and the more I feel like I'm traveling through a simulated tunnel, the end of which is dark and the swirling patterns leading to it increasingly display white tendrils and blue wisps among the dominant fiery colours. Soon, my hands touch the whirling clouds, leading to my death in the game and suddenly I'm no longer a participant as I find myself looking at a screaming avatar on a screen, perishing in Jupiter's storm with a red caption that reads 'Game Over' and I laugh it off with my wife.

WAKING STATE

I wake up to the sound of my alarm and make sure the kids get up for school. I feel quite tired after experiencing a bout of insomnia and return to bed having used the loo with no intention to enter the phase state. I fall asleep almost immediately.

DREAM STATE

Me and my family decorate and change the layout of the living room, which looks different. There is a lot going on: walls being painted, furniture being moved and oddly, cement being applied to the floor. My wife, my mother and my oldest sister (estranged in waking life) block me into a corner of the room with a sofa and decide to go shopping. I can't move but I am busy doing something where I am. My youngest son Alfie is about to enter the room and I tell him to stop as it is a hazardous environment. He reaches for the light switch and I start panicking, thinking he might get an electric shock. Then, I notice the switch has been cemented over but don't find it odd—instead I tell my son, 'Alfie, you can't turn the light on because mum's gone over the switch with cement!' He teases me about threatening to touch it with his finger and I get slightly annoyed.

Scene shift: Me, my wife, my mum, my sister and someone else are walking together outdoors on a pavement when I notice a social contradiction—me and my estranged sister haven't spoken in years and yet she is walking next to me! Am I dreaming? I check my right arm tattoo to find the simplistic picture of a woman resembling the Virgin Mary instead of a dagger going through a skull with a ribbon displaying my wife and kids' names spiralling around them as is the case in real life. I rub the erroneous tattoo with one finger to see if I can smudge it and find that it looks surprisingly permanent, but at this point I already have enough evidence to convince me that the world around me is an illusion. 'I'm definitely dreaming!'

PHASE STATE

I look at my oneiric, make-believe family members and none of them look right. Their faces are strange and somewhat vacant. The fourth person is a complete stranger and all of them stand before me like slightly animated mannequins. I laugh and tell them they look fake. To the one resembling my sister I say: 'What the hell are you doing here?' and to the strange bald and chubby Latino man, 'And who the hell are you?' I deliberately pick a fight with the random with the intent to practise martial arts. We fight over and around stationary vehicles and he's giving me the right resistance: good at sparring and blocking! Feeling satisfied with the training, I fly away and pass through the wall of a house nearby to encounter an interior similar to my living room in the real world. As I explore the environment, it takes me a few seconds to recall my plan of action, and I remember the experiment of 'eating to feel full' as I go through the ceiling, which feels treacly around my torso. Half way up the loft, I think of ceiling as edible and find that the wooden floor near my mouth tastes like crispy, condensed candyfloss. I continue to pull myself upwards as I chew part of the floor above the ceiling.

I find a metal tube akin to an elongated thermos flask on the floor of the loft and start pulling proper pink candyfloss out of it, immediately stuffing my face with the woolly edible. I spot a bed in the middle of the loft and sit on it, continuing to eat lots of candyfloss from the long, metallic flask—amounts that I would not be able to cope with in waking life. At this point, I treat the source of the fluffy, sugary substance as capable of providing limitlessly—a magical bottomless pit! I jump to the middle of the bed to crouch as I swallow as much candyfloss as I can in fast succession. My knees come to rest on the mattress as I gobble up what's on my left hand whist pulling more candyfloss out of the flask with my right hand. As I stuff my face, I notice two freestanding, full-length mirrors—one in front of me about three feet away from the bed, and the other to my left; but none of them display my reflection initially, they only appear to convincingly reflect the loft environment without my presence.

I wish to see myself eating, so I look at the flask for a moment then back at mirrors—according to the frontal and profile reflections, I am a huge, bald, chubby and cute baby greedily eating a lot of candyfloss. My reflections' movements match my own, giving me the impression that I have really turned into an oversized baby. The profile reflection begins to reveal blonde tufts of hair on an enlarged head. I gaze at the frontal reflection as I continue to munch and, as I savour the fluffy sugar, I tell the baby I see: 'You look ridiculous!' I start wondering what the reflection would look like if it got mad at me. The baby inside the mirror continues to mimic my movements but morphs into a frowning Gollum-like creature, gradually becoming slender and his tufts of hair grow longer and darker. I've been chomping on limitless candyfloss since I arrived in this loft and I still don't feel full. I would be feeling sick by now if I had consumed this much candyfloss in the real world! Try as I might, I cannot reach that feeling of being stuffed. It's not normal.

WAKING STATE

I wake up on an empty stomach and don't feel full in the real world either. I feel no different. I jot down my sleep experiences and go about my day.

+ behind 3rd base with crimped hose. The runner is not sure if we wants to run (from 2nd to 3rd), I see a large tangle of hoses on the ground (these are from leaves on the beach in next dream scene?), and they are severely crimped.. I unfold some of the hoses and hear the water begin to rush inside the hoses. The runner hearing the water (I think) is more hesitant to run (since apparently getting him wet with the water constitutes an "out"?)

+ at beach, sticks, crowd asks what's those "m" shaped stand things? I say oh that's just for hanging up stuff to dry. "Great, now nobody will come here, that's such an uninteresting answer"

+ talking with (Ch Dw? Jo Ty?) while lying in bed under the covers (I think this is a bit odd), discussing how that group all tend to move together from company to company (he gets a bit offended at this?), he mentions that Russ has joined also, "Yes, our Russ (P)". They working with (language called) "objective S...." (something)

+ massive pile of construction debris on left, woman standing on tractor on right almost hit by falling sledge hammer. I'm walking/hopping on a row of pilings in between the debris on the left and the road/tractors on the right. Someone comes up and hands me a piece of debris (about showbox size), I bend down and put it on the right of the pilings, he comes up and hands me another, I put it also to the right and keep going. Then I reach the corner of the debris pile, turn to the left, and start walking along the edge of the pile, looking at it. It's really huge. I think man it must have taken a long time to dismantle all this, there's way more material here than I would have thought. The site is one I "know" they're working on, ahead and to the right. In the debris (which is at least 15 ft high, probably 100 meters long, and about 20-30 meters wide), I see large chunks of reddish brown tree bark, several feet long andd about 1/2 foot wide. I think that crumbling this would make good mulch for my garden. I see wooden boards/beams with a lot of nails in them, and then I see a construction of boards that catches my eye and I think I'd like to take it back to my place but I'm not sure where to put it all. It's a cage-like structure made of wood with a lot of belts/straps. A (woman?) is there with me looking at it. She says it's a cigar-roller.. I'm fascinated by the thing, imagine taking leaves of tobacco and turning them in to cigars. I want to try it out. There are several packs of different flavored tobacco leaves here, I open one an take one out and smell it: it has such a great aroma of spicy tobacco & cigars! [very rare, sense of smell in a dream I rarely notice, this is quite well perceived]

non-dream dream semi-lucid lucid FA / AP

I am leaving Soraia at some junkyard temporarily for some reason and I don't want her to follow me, which is hard because the gate doesn't perfectly close, it has gaps and she manages to escape through it. So she follow me. I pick her up again and hand her over to the junkyard guy. Then I go to a class at the university. I sit at a desk with some other girl I know and she offers me a bag of meat for my dogs, which I start shredding with my hands hile the teacher talks in the background. Some people see it and make some remarks about it. Not so much for doing it in the class, but how can I be doing that if I am vegan? Then I spot Soraia going around the room looking for me - she escaped again - and I select a portion of meat to offer her. I bend down closer to the ground and call for her to come, which she does and I give her some meat.
The room is now an ampitheathre outside in some old archeological ruins. On each side of the amphitheatre there is a corridor sided by stone walls ending and both ending in an area with large steps or small platforms where we can also sit. I followed Soraia here. I see a nice stone that I think would be great to take home and put under the leg of a table that is unstable, so I pick it up. Then I see a shadow and hear a noise and look up and there is some sort of catapult that I accidentally triggered by removing that stone. First I am afraid to be squashed but then I notice the catapult's arm is long and will actually hit the people sitting in the amphitheatre. I yell and warn them and they see it. But they are packed together and I don't know if they manage to escape. As I come closer, I stumble on people leaving the place, some that I know and I ask them if everyone is ok. They say no. Two guys were instantly killed and a 3rd person died soon after plus many are injured. I panic. No one seems to know it was my fault and I am torn apart. The right thing to do is to turn myself in before they find out, on the other hand I feel I can't admit guilt right now or I'll be killed by the mob. Don't know whom to talk too. I join them mourning and trying to figure if there is any way anyone will find out it was me. I look for security cameras and there is one in the distance pointed at the corridor. Probably hard to tell that it is me in the video, but if they identify me, and probably will, i'll be suspect number one. So I better tell. Then there is some kind of gathering in an indoor auditorium to countinue mourning and honouring the dead and I stay way in the back just trying to figure out what they are saying about it. Seems like no one is pointing to culprits and assume it was a freak accident, so now I have doubts if I should come forward. I am torn apart and I also cry for the victims. Either way, I now carry the feeling of guilt for killing people accidentaly and it feels absolutely horrible.

The Door portal attempt
16/08/20
#Lucid 17 - DILD

I’m sat in my parents bathroom when suddenly I see a fine rain coming down from the ceiling. “It’s raining?” I note with surprise. I know that it’s an odd thing to occur indoors but for some reason it feels acceptable that it could happen. “Acceptable because it’s a dream?” I wonder. I stand up to investigate and though the room looks exactly like the bathroom from my memory it doesn’t feel right. I walk out onto the upstairs landing and feel a strange, shuddering sensation to my body and my surroundings and conclude it must be a dream.

I look into my Childhood bedroom and see my bed and wonder if I’m asleep in it right now in waking life. I then recall my goal to use a door as a portal and find a closed bedroom door for the experiment. “On the other side will be a forest” I tell myself and then run at the door and swing it open, expecting to find a lush, green forest on the other side but instead I’m greeted by the bedroom that should be there. I feel as though I rushed it so I try again with another door but this time the dream collapses before I reach it and I’m left floating in darkness. I notice a blue ball of light in the distance and know I’m still dreaming and have the opportunity to re-enter. I try to remain aware whilst the new dream forms but I enter the next dream without lucidity.

Lucidity: Medium
Trigger: Dream oddity
Reality check: none
Length: 1 minute (approx.)
Goals: Door portal (Fail)
Lucid count: 17

I was hurrying somewhere by the road into the city centre, its a long one
I wanted to get to something, i dont know what
the weather was already but, but it quickly got worse
a big storm came, things turned night time dark, rain started getting heavy
but for some reason, I kept going
into the dark, and rain

03/21: The Price Is Right is back in dreams again, this time in animated form, in to the style of PBS (Public Broadcasting Service)-style shows for kids such as Arthur (R.I.P.) and WordGirl, and like the dream on December 4th, it's Showcase time again, but in a classroom-like setting. This time, there is a "category" that tells the four remaining students things about a Showcase they're trying to bid on.

The dream, like one of the Wayne's World films, shows all the possible endings, and one of them it decides to show is when one of the students overbids on their Showcase, gets booed, and has these red "down" marker like objects thrown at them. There was also another possible ending where all the students overbid on their Showcase, gets booed, and has the same thing that happened to one student, happen to all of them.

However, there was one student who feared this monster that would be out to get him if he lost, kind of like me when I was younger -- well, my elementary and middle school days, but I never really explained it to anyone. I forget his/her/its name, but it resembled like a typical villain from an anime, as they're usually blond-haired, and this one was no different. I'm guessing this one was male, dressed like a "scene" kid (possibly skater/emo mix) revealed in dark shadows.

Watching the events play out on TV in my room, I ask in disbelief, "What is Weston Gardner doing on a kids' show?", and the dream ends at 6-ish in the morning before any of the students on the show in the dream reacted to it. (also, that wasn't the "monster" the student feared.) (Personally, I think the mysterious character the dream showed looked like a mix between him and professional wrestler Jeff Hardy -- minus the hair dye.)

(Fun Fact: Weston was actually a contestant on The Price Is Right 12 years ago in Season 39 (2010-11), show #5263K -- aired out of order on October 13th, 2010, actually airing on September 22, 2010 in an afternoon showing, in the place of the long-running soap opera As The World Turns, which ended after the 2009-10 season in the U.S. on CBS. He won two prizes in the Drew Carey-created pricing game Rat Race (a late-Season 38 debutante) totaling $3,614, and later went on to win his Showcase, accumulating $28,638 in cash and prizes, including an extra $1,000 in his Showcase Showdown -- that's where they spin the big Wheel to see who qualifies for the final round of the show, simply named "The Showcase", and the three contestants that got up on stage to play a pricing game try to get as close as they can to $1.00 -- without going over. He passed the first Showcase, which included a boat, to his opponent, and she overbid. Oh, and the show re-aired two days after Christmas 2010 on December 27th.)

I had a heck of a bad day yesterday (mentally having to play the protagonist and antagonist at the same time in the morning), and it was stressful. I just have to learn not to take game shows and their results way too seriously, which I had been doing since my teenage years, and quite frankly, I think it was anxiety and depression-inducing. I just have to find a better way to manage mental health and anxiety. -WM86

The dream seems to be set within some kind of video game world, and as part of the game, I have to go out swimming in the sea and do something with the various fish swimming below the surface (I am no longer sure precisely what the point was supposed to be). One particularly large shape seems a little too interested in me, and it’s only after repeatedly beating it off that it gets the message that I’m not dinner and comes to the surface.

It is a shark, and it proceeds to tell me a story – one that I can already tell is unlikely to have a happy ending from a human point of view, although the shark itself is completely oblivious to these implications. I am annoyed with the game for making me come all the way out here and do this. I do not enjoy punching sharks. I do not especially like being buttonholed by them, either. But, I reflect, that is always the problem with open mics.

-20.3.22