DarkestDarkness

2022 June 27th

Some bracketed in-line notes. I need to return to this dream and make some fuller notes when I feel able to, hopefully soon.

Fragment:

Something about a (dream) country relating to the Iberian peninsula. This small country is located just over the north east of the USA at where a tip of Canada would be and seems to be in-between these two countries. I see some statistic or just know that there are less than 1.5 million inhabitants. (Oddly enough, on one of the weeks after this dream, I was looking at this general region with satellite views, based on some conversations I was having with LF)

(recall gap?)

Then I'm in my native country but I'm a character that's not me exactly. I need to get to the embassy on one side of a plaza, something about a passport? It's night time and there's a large government building on one side of the plaza with a few prominent uplighting spots. Neo-classical or classical-revivalist architecture. There are police officers in the area, probably due to this building. I think one of them comes over to me when I wander more to the middle near the government-y building. The officer turns out to be a woman and I ask where the embassy is. She tries to help me but after a while of her taking me through some streets and construction sites I start to wonder if my interests are at heart.

At one point I notice some workers at a construction site giving me/us a funny look or something? Some part of me thinks that it's odd that there's construction work going on at night.

(recall gap)

Then I'm at a fancy house place. Lots of detailed cornicing and mirrors on the walls and ceilings which have some kind of abstract Greek themed theatrical show going on, it looks like it's projected but I don't see any projector and may assume that the surface is able to display something like a screen would, despite its curved contours. There's a largely classical theme. The walls and cornicing are all white and it's fairly bright in here, though there's something of a mood light thing going on, mostly cool tones.

I'm here with my cousin T and H. T's wearing some kind of cream or pink silk pyjamas and I rest my head on her crotch and I close my eyes and she pets and strokes my head. I think about how it'd be inappropriate if I became aroused and I also think about how I might not be able to help it. I hold on to or hug her leg. (Similarities to having been awake and holding H, possibly partly awake as this dream segment was happening)

Then we show her to her bed, in size it's somewhere between a single and a double and she gets upset notably upset about this. I think the room is dark/we didn't switch the lights on?



Notes:
- I'm not sure what would have been the source for the first segment in this fragment, but I can recall some years ago I had a discussion with a friend (K) on the subject of countries with lower populations.

- I feel that for some weeks now I've been having dreams that are on parallel to schemas like that of the second segment here. Dreams in which I'm not strictly speaking my normal "self" as a character and in which I have all the same type of agency, decisions and worries as I normally would. Sort of related, today (16th of July) I wrote a bit on another journal about the somewhat lengthy absence of any other inner voices or personalities and a general absence of visual imagination among other things.
-- In reality I'm not sure how frequently I've been having these dreams (of "not myself" exactly) because I haven't thought of a tag or way of categorising them, and right now I'm thinking that I should go back through my DJ a bit at some point and find out how many instances there really are and how far back do they go; it's possible that at the moment I'm just paying more attention to this particular type of schema.

- As hinted towards, I have recently had some worries/thoughts about passport renewal and sort of by extension also about travelling. Specifically, to my old home.

- T's presence in this dream follows common patterns that the rest of her appearances in have in my dreams, but I can't remember any time specifically in which she got as upset as in this dream, about the bed. As I recall, I understood in the dream that she was upset that the bed wasn't big enough. Even in the dream, the way she stroked my head reminded me of what it was like to be a child.
-- I think segments like this one in dreams call me to create a different journal with a different complexity from what I've been doing. This type of DJ simply cannot fit into it the type of analysis that some of these dreams practically seem to be demanding of me.

2022 May 7th

8:20
Dream:

I'm on WoW, I'm playing as a human paladin, by the gear probably level 30ish. Model is vanilla style. I'm with a female caster, a night elf or a human, I think it changes. We're part of the same guild, one which I just joined very recently and we're doing a quest together. This is an alt for her, but this is a main for me. She has a mechanical squirrel mount. She's the same level or a bit higher and her character seems more life-like and "flowing" in terms of animations.

There's another player nearby from the guild who is at max level. The quest me and the caster are doing requires killing an NPC that is scripted to put a certain buff on us, but I kill the NPC too fast at first. I think I apologise and get the feeling she may be annoyed by the fact I killed it too fast. A random player of a similar level appears and joins us for the quest. We do the thing properly this time and then this player leaves us again. Neither of us lost much health and I sufficiently use a holy light rank one to heal her. I think about how I wish I had flash of light.

She quickly goes to duel the max level guildie nearby and gets very low HP, so I use some current-rank holy light casts on her. I think she's amused by all of this. She says she's spoken to management and I've been cleared (DRG intrusion) for "dungeon proc ID". I'm not sure what this means but can guess, I tell her. She tells me that she can see the raw data and where ores/herbs spawn and such like.

Earlier. I'm with other guild members in a large communal bed thing, about seven of us I think? We're all supposedly trying to sleep. And at the foot-end of the bed there's player information, like there would be in the guild roster, but physical. I'm next to all the other paladins, I see, and many of whom are level 70, max level I think. I'm a noob in the guild. The guild has been around for seven years, I think to myself, and then I spot this paladin who's been here for five years and several months, being one of the oldest members who's still around.

Even earlier. Something about an adventure and a town on water and natives or something. (Was not interested enough to write down recall and too tired.)

10:00
Fragment:

Another WoW dream. Something about being a rogue. I'm in a forest not unlike Feralas and there are tall mountain sides near where I am. Again, something to do with a guild and a quest. I remember looking through or into a tree trunk of a large tree?

9th
Notes:

- These dreams have two primary meanings that I'm seeing currently; one part is a sense of nostalgia for what playing the game was like, while the other part is the currently recurring collective aspect to my dreams lately.

(Need to make further notes on this but am unable to concentrate enough at present)

15th February 2022

Fragment:

A dark and steel-blue place. I interact with some people. A tunnel or hallway? (most detail faded too much, I left recall too long and radio didn't help)


16th February 2022

Fragment:

Watching myself or a video of someone else from a first person perspective. On a bed. Four erections and right hand holding a phone/recording?


17th February 2022

Fragment:

(recall very vague) Following and getting into formation with a Rheinland battleship. I'm flying a Banshee and there's something Bretonian nearby, maybe gunboats? I don't think there are any open hostilities.

Some in-line notes.

23rd December 2021

Recall was left too long and could only retain vague fragments.

Fragment:

Something about being at old home, I'm in my room and it's sunny outside, though my curtains are drawn closed. They're the old white and yellow diamond curtains. I am moving towards my desk in the corner and feel the need to self-pleasure, but something makes it feel like I can't.

Then, something about going for an appointment. I am briefly outside. The light in the dream seems off somehow, like there's too much shade despite being daytime and how sunny it is, but I don't realise any of this while dreaming. Something happens in regards to me going to the appointment or something, and then I'm home. (Did this scene happen first?)

Fragment:

I'm outdoors and I was in a car before. The place I'm in is a forest and I eventually go through a cave too. There's a relatively small female black bear character, which has something anthropomorphic about it. I want to kill it using a rifle, and kite the bear around all over the place, at one point the bear becomes enraged (like a game buff) and I have awareness that a single hit from the bear could kill me. (Similar feel to being the scout on DRG and kiting a dangerous enemy)

Another half-anthro animal was involved in this at one point.


24th December 2021

Fragment:

It's relatively bright but not exactly sunny. I'm in our bedroom with H, who's on the bed and then there's something that means I have to get up. At one point, we have an interaction with H's grandfather, who's apparently staying with us. (He passed away a couple of years ago, but it feels like yesterday) He knows about us sleeping in the same bed, and doesn't seem to mind.

17th July 2021

Fragment:

I'm in an office building of some kind, maybe a hospital. It's well lit but there are no windows and it's mostly corridors. I'm with someone I think and we get to this bit that's like a waiting area, with chairs. There are some people sat on the chairs. The walls are a neutral colour, maybe cream? There are two doors on the same wall, some distance apart and with some of the chairs in-between.

I think we wait around for a bit but then the person I'm with is supposed to go in, so they do. I think there's a doctor but I get a feel of radio presenter too somehow.

(recall gap)

I have to leave and reach some elevators. I call a lift to go up. In the dream I don't find this odd but in the dream there was the feeling that I was somewhere high up already. The doors for the lift on the left open. The lift is there but sort of stuck at a lower level. I assume there's some kind of sensor malfunction and feel myself sort of sighing, slightly annoyed. I call it again with the button on the wall and it moves to the correct position.

The lift is one of those more commercial ones, like ones I've seen in malls. I think I enter the lift and there's a transition. Then, I'm outside somewhere supposedly nearby the building I was in. I'm in contact with the person I was with before, not sure how. I then need to enter some sort of or small octagonal building or tent but it's guarded. Something about a remote controlled hand that would help me.

(rest of recall had faded)

---

19th July 2021

Fragment:

I'm on the bed with H. We're opposite each other and our positions are width ways relative to the bed. The bedroom light is on but I don't think it's night time. We're playing sexually and I feel myself go prematurely for some reason, possibly overstimulation. It seems I made a mess on the bed, at spots that don't make sense for the angles involved, but I don't realise this during the dream.

Then I suddenly become aware of a black cat being to my right, around the middle of the bed. The cat looks relaxed and resting having only momentarily appeared surprised. It looks like the small female cat that we sometimes see in our street. (which I had seen the previous evening)

27th April 2021

Fragment:

Something about flying through space. There's something like DSP to this dream. I am checking out a planet, but as I approach it, I realise with some surprise that it's one of the Deuteria systems I'd already built on (in the dream). I then set course for a greatly distant star system? In the galaxy map, I can see this system has three stars.

I arrive there pretty quickly despite the distance. The dream is not fully like DSP and the three stars are in odd placements around the system, sort of hiding within tight clusters of planets. There's an interesting play of light and ambience as a result.

Fragment:

I'm in the context of old home but the dream location details are vague now. I remember being in something like my room(?) but the house layout feels different and on a bed or a table there's a number of my drawings. Some are explicit but I don't try to tidy it up. Something about being called through to another room, by dad?

In the dream, there's an implied sense that my parents know about the type of things I draw sometimes. I feel some discomfort about it but in the dream it's more like the general discomfort or embarrassment from parents trying to be a part of things you don't necessarily want them to be a part of.

Something about going to meet up with L?

(I left recall too long and allowed myself to be distracted)

Fragment:

In the van/car and it's overcast; hail is falling.

---

Notes:

- Some days later, there was hail, but I don't remember looking at the forecasts.

- L is the only person in the family who knows that I draw explicit artwork now and then.
-- Part of that dream certainly relates to my feeling of isolation from being unable to discuss the subject very openly with most people.

5th July 2020

Dream:

I remember being at home with H. We were trying to sleep but couldn't manage for some reason; I remember having slept for an unusually low amount of time in the dream, one or two hours only. On re-writing this entry here, I have a vague memory of seeing the red clock display something very early, maybe around 6AM or so.

We got up and put some shoes on, etc. We went outside, it looked early but not dark, though it wasn't bright either. We had been invited to go to some neighbour's house for a dinner time meal or something. The area outside looks different from how it should. A mix of my home town and the place where me and H live now. There are some leftover and unfinished construction works.

We went down the road and around the corner over on the left side of the street. There was an open bit, like a plaza/square and it had some small concrete storage units of some kind. They had metal doors and H used a key to open one and he put in a gem, looked like a Tiger's Eye.

But the top of the unit was smashed and rubble was visible inside from the top. This apparently didn't bother H at all but I asked him about it. I think H wasn't understanding my point and I eventually dropped the subject as we walked away. Before we went to the next place(?), H needed to have a wee or something; so he was going to walk over to the commercial estate across the way from our street/home, but it looked like a different commercial estate that I know of in the area. ^{(Note to self, refer to original entry)}

I think I wondered why not just go home since it was closer anyway. But I think H was going to do something else while there. So then I decided to wait outside this neighbour's house that I thought we were going to. I thought of knocking, but felt afraid of getting it wrong, so I didn't. I remember having passing thoughts about my boots, about how I should probably take them off as soon as we got in, so I wouldn't catch any of their stuff or furniture with my feet.

I walked back to the end of our street. For some reason at that point, I took codeine. I don't remember where I got it from, my pockets? I remember then looking towards the shops area. There were people about but not many. I didn't want to stare at them for some reason so instead I just looked up at the sky just above. Cloudy, excessively blue-ish, dim. But all of a sudden I could see clouds moving very fast in our general direction. I thought this to be strange and looked away for a while and then when I looked back it had stopped.

In the dream I attributed that as some hallucinatory effect of the dream-codeine I took. Eventually I could see H in the distance, coming back. H now had a short and bright red impermeable coat with a hood. Not unlike red riding hood but more modern, and less feminine/more unisex in appearance.

---

Notes:
- Like in another dream I recently caught up on, again, if I had this dream now and had taken codeine in a dream, this could now be a big alert that something was off, since at the moment I know that I must absolutely not take any codeine since it could be dangerous for me to do at present.
- Re-writing this dream entry here only a bit over a month since the dream, I still have quite decent memory of the visuals.
- In the dream, it was foolish of me to simply disregard the odd sky/cloud events as being a hallucination; that in itself should have been enough of cue for a RC.
-- Likewise, looking away and back and having seen such a massive change should have been a good cue ordinarily.

Woke up at around 6:30 in the morning from a dream. Had other dreams later but was too tired to make even small mental notes of the details, so no recall for those dreams.

---

Dream and awakening:

I woke up in the dream, I was apparently sleeping on a bed with dad. It looked like some version of my bedroom in the old place but it looked like my parent's room a bit too. I was too hot and the covers, the bed, etc, everything felt too hot. I got up and saw this big red fan heater H has, it was on the floor next to the bed.

I woke dad up and asked him why the heater was here and why it was on. I thought of turning it off but for some reason didn't. I concluded from looking at the heater or something else that the room was at 49C. I felt particularly unwell and remember shortly walking about the dream room before I woke up in reality. I don't remember sweating, just exhaustion really.

In reality H was pressed a bit too much against me and I felt that the bed was far too hot. I thought we might have left the heated blanket on through the night, but seemingly it was off. I went for a wee that I didn't realise I really needed, after H also got up because of the noise I had made stumbling around.

---

Notes:

- This type of dream is very typical for when I need to wake up for some biological reason, in this case needing a wee.
- Being in the same bed as dad was common when I was a child; I'd often get into bed with my parents in the middle of the night, usually sleeping between them. But I can't really remember why I did that anymore or what made me wake up in the first place. I don't recall any negative emotions from back then.

Small parts of several dreams from today.

---

Dream Fragment:

My friend L tried to contact me. Somehow we were communicating by typing on our computers on notepad, on a shared .txt file, which we would save in turns to effectively "send" messages. Despite being a plain text file, I remember L used emojis, something she'd probably find pretty silly for the specific situation.

I have forgotten most of this dream's content but I remember L had an overall feeling of concern, and equally I realised I felt somewhat neglectful.

Dream Fragment:

I was outside, in a mix of my old home area and of some other place more like where I live now. It was daytime, there were bits of settled snow here and there and the pavement looked completely dull to me at the time. There was a row of terraced houses on one side, with an inordinate amount of front yard space. The pavement was unusually wide too.

I was out here with someone, either my aunt or my mother, or some kind of blend. There was this tiny ancient and ruined chapel and we were sort of investigating it for whatever reason and there was supposed to be a secret passage that we had to activate from the outside. We walked around it several times and eventually I pointed at this crude square shape covered by dirt and grass on the floor, which I'd noticed several times when going around the chapel's exterior, finally insisting that maybe it was what we wanted to check, as at this point I felt that any observations I made were being dismissed entirely.

There is some sort of dream transition and there's a different feel to things, and I find myself sort of manipulating wall segments as if it were a strategy game; the placement ghost for wall sections changed dynamically based on whether I was placing it close to existing walls or apart from any walls.

Dream Fragment:

Something about a blonde or fake-blonde woman, lying in bed. She was reading a book about things she'd done right? Or about things she had to pay for. This was in some sort of birthday party setting. It felt cheesy and crowded, inside a bedroom that somehow reminded me of a hospital room.

Dream Fragment:

I was in bed with H, who was reading something on the phone. It was around morning time by the looks of it and I was lying in bed in a funny way, because I was also reading a magazine of sorts. But the magazine was about as thick as my thumb is wide. It had all sorts of articles, about everything and anything, though I've forgotten most of it now, I remember the last one I was reading before closing it and looking at the cover. That article was about how an older Spain had convinced everyone during the exploration of the Americas to "drink this swill" that we call cocoa and how it's rival neighbouring country of Portugal had done little during that time to stop it too. It was like a sponsored article about an anti-cocoa cult of sorts and I found it to be pretty ridiculous even in the dream. It mentioned they already had hundreds of followers and hoped to expand them greatly in the coming times.

After I shut the book/magazine, I gave H a cuddle and that's the last thing I remember. Somehow I didn't realise the irony of the very dream-like situation at all.

---

Some notes:

• The text in the fourth fragment was very consistent. I remember reading and going back to re-read something I'd already read to make sure I was getting it right. In that dream I should have realised that no magazine would ever be so thick.
• The magazine cover was a cream or khaki colour, with a picture of a large manor or something on a sunny day in the front, with some smaller squares of other scenic views.
• I remember seeing bits and pieces of the book in the third dream by myself. It didn't make any sense, it was like a children's book but with tasks and questions. The pictures were all sort of life-like, but drawn.
• The very first dream fragment was one of several that I could still vaguely recall from the early morning before I fell asleep again, the other three fragments being ones from after falling asleep again.