nina

I find myself flying through a dreamscape, that is very vivid and yet closer to hypnagogia than an actual dream. I see gorgeous places and I start thinking how to paint them in my mind, because at this point I know that I'm not awake, and honestly I don't know exactly where I was. Somewhere between dreaming and awake I suppose. In this place I can paint beautiful things. Everything and anything that I think suddenly manifests, I am in control of what I am seeing. Like I am conducting and controlling the hypnagogia somehow. Each image I see is so incredible, that I take a moment to memorize it, and observe it's finest details. It has an infinite resolution. I know in my heart that I can paint such things as I see them in my mind, and I become sad that I can not so clearly see...truly see...when I am awake. I test myself. I imagine a group of people and I pose them in different ways and observe them at extreme angles as if I were below them looking up, or above them looking down. The perspective is all perfect, and I tell myself that I need to remember this when I wake up. How to see...while awake. How to tap into this place of pure inspiration. Either my own subconscious or the whole of the collective consciousness. Perhaps this is akashia. I examine every detail and notice things I never noticed before, like the structure of the big toe, and how the heel looks when viewed from a certain angle. Then I go on to imagine the most beautiful scenes I can think of. I don't even have to try, I just think, "imagine something beautiful" and it happens, and what I see is so stunning that it would bring me to tears. Not only because of it's beauty but also because I know that I could never create anything so masterful, so absolutely divine. I am the tortured artist, blessed with visions of beauty beyond measure and compare, yet without the skill to be able to recreate such visions on paper or canvas. The frustration of knowing that these things are here...in my head...inside me...and yet I cannot see them while awake. I cannot use them to help me to create. Instead all I have are vague impressions, outlines, misconceptions about form and shape. True testament to how I live my life.