Hi Dreamhawk, and welcome to DV!
Very interesting dreams - and I'm sorry they seem to be causing you so much angst - they are obviously very important.
I had a couple of thoughts:
Have you ever had a miscarriage or abortion? You don't need to answer this here obviously! I know that we deal with these experiences in different ways, trying to rationalise them or inventing ways of obscuring the pain if it wasnt acknowledged at the time. This might explain why she keeps comming up in your dreams, as the subconscious may be trying to give you opportunities to greive. My mother dreams about a daughter who was miscarried - and even once did an abstract family portrait, a stream of consciousness thing, which had an extra member - a young girl - and she was quite surprised when someone pointed this out.
Not sure what I believe about all this but - the past life/ future life thing may have something in it, or it could be a soul mate conection to someone alive today. I have had plenty of dreams and OBEs where characters have appeared who are qualitatively different to all other dream people. They are often powerful figures, dream teachers, high priestesses, witches etc and the overall feeling is that they have come into my dream from the outside, and they have even said as much or alluded to this.
If you can go lucid the best way, IMO, to understand this would be to ask your dream child. Ask (politely and nicely) direct questions and insist that the answers are not too cryptic! Things like: Why are you in my dream? Who are you? What do you want? How can I help you? Or another suggestion, if that seems too direct, would be to ask for a present which can be a symbolic summary of the issue. If you were to exchange presents, what would you choose to give? You can then make this/these objects in waking life and meditate upon them at your leisure.
There's a dream intrepretation section on DV - you could try posting there as well.
Hope this helps
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