Thread: Poetry

This is some examples of my meager attempts at poetry so... yeah...enjoy!

What would you do if it was all I said,
to keep you inside my spinning head.
And all Iwant to do is tell you hwo I feel,
A dangerous temptation all too real.
My heart is burning is a burning hole, empty,
just like the affections you stole.
I can see you and whats to pass,
But I can't reach you through that icy glass.
What is it holdong me back?
What is it my torn heart lacks?
All I wish is to be with you there,
But my wish come treu is all too rare.

Okay I am willing to accept blunt criticism so please be brutally honest and tell me how I can improve my writing. It would be very aprciated, and if you want you can PM me. I'm thinking about submitting this on and will most likely have more soon. Thanx all!

‘Ey, Witchy. How’s it goin?

Well, there’s nothing to be too blunt about, because it’s actually not bad.

I’m not too sure I understand the first stanza though, honestly. If what was all you said? It was just kinda vague to me, so I’m not too sure where you were going with it, but it may just be me, so take that at face value. Haha.
One thing about poetry, is that it’s a great chance to improve your vocabulary. I rhyme, myself, and it’s definitely helped me. One thing you might want to do, to stand out, is not to use phrases that are too too common. Finding other ways to convey really common phrases is going to add a little more depth to your poetry, and it should help in portraying a little more originality.
Imagery and metaphors are almost crucial to artistic poetry, if you ask me. (not that I’m that schooled in what constitutes “traditional artistic poetry,” but I know what gets responses from other people whenever I write, and I know what I enjoy reading, myself)

Just messing with part of yours, I can show what I might do. It’s hard trying to change someone else’s lines and still get the feel of what their trying to say, but I’ll do my best…

You wrote:
And all Iwant to do is tell you hwo I feel,
A dangerous temptation all too real.
My heart is burning is a burning hole, empty,
just like the affections you stole.
I can see you and whats to pass,
But I can't reach you through that icy glass.

I might write:
I long to say how I feel, but in fear, I refrain
From playing temptation’s dangerous game
My hollow heart’s set aflame as I sustain this Hell,
Memories of the affections you stole are my cell.
Throw myself toward your essence I feel from afar,
But my lunge is cut short by these thick, mental bars…

…la la la…and so on and so forth. Not much, but it just an example.

And don’t be afraid to lengthen the lines a little. It comes with practice, but you can fit a few more syllables in your stanzas without breaking the 4 count bars, if you're verbally reciting. If a stanza doesn’t seem like it completely illustrates what you’re trying to say, before moving on, stop and play with it a little bit, and see if you can fit more of the thought you’re trying to convey into the line.

You got potential, though. Keep it up.

I like what you wrote and it is kinda what I was going for. You're probably right about thinking of uncommon phrases thanks I try writing a new one with this in mind!
P.S I still would love more feedback guys! & Thx Oneironaut!

Okay heres a little more material. You guys can tell me which one you like best or how you think I can edit it to make it sound better... here it goes...

Oh sweet world, oh drunken world,
Who am I but a Drunken girl,
Wrapped up in your sweet embrace,
Lying here in this lovely place,
Where the trees will hug, and the stars kiss,
It will dawn in my soul as everlasting bliss.
Oh sweet world, oh forgotten world,
Who am I but a forgotten girl,
Where the velvet moss shall be my bed,
Where a pillow of flowers will cradle my head,
The moaning wind will mourn my trears,
And the babbling brooks will rest my fears,
The rains will mend my broken heart,
And bond me to this place I cannot part.

Thanx every one!

lovely poems, i especially thought that last one was very beautiful .

and just my opinion of course, but i don’t think art can be criticized. it's expression, pure and simple, and it reflects you, the person. not the world, but you as you see yourself and yourself in the world...imo