Thread: Just another of my poems.

Never let that gaze run cold.


And with the movement of your eyes,
This oceanic breeze washes over me.
These tides of lonliness make me aware:
I could never hold another
In my loving, ever restless vision
And I could never be as once I was,
(Ignorant to the harsh palm of truth,
Naieve to all this fanciful world,
Ingesting the lies humanity gave me to swollow)
In this vast sepulchre of rebuked admonishment
And silent invocation.
Staring forth into my being,
Never let that gaze run cold.



Just a poem I wrote. How is it? If you could give any suggestions, I would really appreciate it, as I need all the criticism anyone could care to offer.

Hey there I like it... specially the lines "(Ignorant to the harsh palm of truth,
Naieve to all this fanciful world,
Ingesting the lies humanity gave me to swollow) "

I'm not so sure about the line "In this vast sepulchre of rebuked admonishment " ... I think the fact that there are too many large words kinda stops the flow a bit because it gives the reader too much to chew in one line.

I'd love to see more of ur writing, it's nice to know there's someone else out there to talk to about this stuff

talk soon

yes, it was a very good poem, very evocative...i liked this line:-

These tides of lonliness make me aware:
I could never hold another
In my loving, ever restless vision

I like the fact that the person in this poem, can look wherever they want, but in the end, they are only looking for the thing they already have...
Do i have that right?
And i agree with roller about the long words...

sorry for the late reply, but that poem is awesome!! Great job on it!!

Hi Gwen,

Thanks for participating in the survey. I like that poem just fine and the fact that you put a picture of you for your avatar. I'm not sure I ever heard anyone as for criticism quite that way.
I agree with roller about the one line. Sometimes though the cadence that works best is not apparent from just seeing the words. If when you say it it feels right then I would keep it.

EJ

There's a few things you spelled wrong there, which you might wanna check on. Like naive, which is spelled like that, not 'naieve.' Other than that, the rest looked like they may have just been typos.

But as for the poem, it wasn't really compelling, mostly because the use of an uncommon word drags on any meaning of the poem. And people don't wanna look in a dictionary to fully understand a poem. You can be poetic in using short, common words. And it's usually much more effective and pleasing. Like I'd rather see the word face in a poem than visage, because using visage just makes it sound like you're trying to sound profound.

I dunno, I'm kinda picky about poems. And have only been impressed by two, ever.

The words you use depend on which words you want to use and the audience you hope to reach and the cadence of the poem. Read Lord Byron some time. There are a lot of phrases he uses that are not meant for the common English citizen. He was a romantic poet who appeals mostly to elites.

Here, find the cadence of this.

Exceptionally vigorous
my friend's labido is
Spontaneously spewing (note: spewing versus emitted)
his essence by girl sight
He circumlocuted himself with a palm


Sassy EJ!