# Off-Topic Discussion > The Lounge > Ask/Tell Me About >  >  Tell me how to handle rude people.

## Mes Tarrant

Alrighty, so I'm currently in Russia and one of the differences between here and the States is that here, cashiers and all people like those who have to deal with customers have next to zero patience and are very easily angered. In the States, it's common knowledge that cashiers get abused by customers. But here in Russia (and plenty of other countries as well), it is the other way around. Cashiers abuse customers all the time. 

All my life I have been a very sensitive person. It runs in the family, really. My mom is the same, and her mom was the same. I honestly cannot handle a stranger yelling at me/being rude to me. It's actually quite a huge flaw because it makes me nervous about getting a full time job and having some jerk for a boss. So far my bosses have been pretty nice, but these have been part-time jobs...

Anyhoo, so I'm just wondering, what is a good way to deal with someone who is rude to you? Somebody's raised voice actually ruins my whole day.  :Sad:  I've had to get a new passport here in Russia and have had to go to a bunch of different places and talk with a bunch of different people, and finally I was so fed up with everyone (all women, btw) having such terrible tempers that I burst into tears at the entrance of another passport-related building.  :Oops:  I had to have my mom go in there with me. I'm 21 and too old for this!

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## Adam

My old job, before I moved upwards was a Senior Consultant, and being senior I had to deal with all sorts of complaints. I tend to find the easiest way to deal with it is to the the person shout and scream and vent their frustration at me, not interupting, letting them get on with it. When They are finished, look at them, if in person, or if on the phone you cant, but leave a 5 second silence, then calmly talk back. Generally I find letting people blow off steam first then talking to them calmly will mean they are often calm back...

But if they are not I give as good as I get, but that doesn't help much does it...

Anyways  :Boxing:  << thats for the people who made you cry  ::angry:: !!! And this is for you  ::hug::  Enjoy the rest of your day, I am off to Wembley to watch England v Germany  :smiley:

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## pj

I like to "kill them with kindess."  Smile, complement them - make it a personal challenge to either make them smile or embarrass them by treating them so good that their behavior looks like mole dung in comparison.

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## Merlock

See, and no one believes me when I call this place a rotting hell hole. >.<

The only thing I can suggest, since you aren't the kind of person to take an aggressive approach, is to be patient. Rude people get what they deserve eventually. If you aren't able to match their egocentric character, just think about what will happen to them when they come across someone with an even worse temper than they have, hahah.

P.S. Take me with you when you go back.  ::damnit::

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## Adrenaline Junkie

Hey Mes,

Well, rude people like to think they have a power over you, they are rude and try to hurry you along just to benefit themselves. Now a good way to deal with them is to call them on it. If they are rude towards you you can say to them "excuse me, why are you being rude towards me?" and this wastes their time a bit more because they then have to continue talking to you, then politely say "there was no need to be so rude towards me, i was polite, maybe you should be too" and i think that if they don't apologize after that you should keep on at them. Or you could even go into a full tantrum at them and show them up so they say sorry. Its horrible that people can be so rude and it can be hard if your a sensitive person, but the fact is that they should treat you with the same respect that you treat them with. You basically have two options when it comes to these people, you can either get your own back on them by politely complaining to the manager about it after taking the abuse. But thats not the most attractive and quick option, you should know that there are rude people in this world and its their problem, not yours, don't let it get to you, and if you feel asthough you have a good argument against them then you should point it out and say that you are unhappy about it, if its a supermarket you could even say "I am not accepting being treated like that" and as you walk off say that you are seeing the manager, these people need to be put in line, they can't be so rude towards customers due to their own problems. You should point it out and show them that you are offended, make them feel bad, and if they don't say sorry just take it to the manager  ::D: 

But if you want an easier option you could just try to ignore these rude people, they will say and be nasty to you but at the end of the day its up to you whether or not it bothers you, if you cannot stop it bothering you then you can just stand up for yourself and show them who's in the right. 

I hope things are okay, i actually had a similar problem with people being rude to me, i recently went into the city with my friends to see a film and me being me i took my friends glasses off and tried them on on the train, then this drunk guy came by and said "let me wear those fucking glasses now" and i gave them back to my mate and said to him "get your act together, theres a policeman down there" and he believed me and hid in the toilets lol! 

Anyways i'm sure you can do it Mes! Just show them how unimportant they are to you  :smiley:

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## Mes Tarrant

Hehehe, "mole dung."  :p

Thanks for the comments. Really I just need to toughen up (what a sucky world). Or just always deal with men instead of women since they will think twice before being rude.

Edit: Oh didn't see your post at first, Lucid. You have a good point there actually about wasting more of their precious time by pointing out that they are being rude. I promise myself I will toughen up. I'll try to use some LDs as practice. It's just that I dont understand how it is possible to be rude to a stranger... but that's the way I was brought up, ya know?

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## Adrenaline Junkie

> Hehehe, "mole dung." :p
> 
> Thanks for the comments. Really I just need to toughen up (what a sucky world). Or just always deal with men instead of women since they will think twice before being rude.



Thats the spirit Mes, why should you take any of their crap and put up with it? Show them that Mes doesn't go down without a fight  ::D:  (not a real fight!)

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## Mes Tarrant

Hehe thanks Lucidie, go check my previous post, I edited it cuz I didn't see your reply at first!

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## Adrenaline Junkie

Well the truth is that its difficult to learn to grow out of what your used to being especially if you were raised that way. But if you try and waste their time they will most likely regret being rude to you and the only way they can get you to leave is by apologizing. Don't worry about being tough, just don't put up with situations in which people are rude to you. However you should judge each case by its merits because if you go into a shop and theres some muscle-steroid type lady that looks asthough she could kill a bear then you should maybe try over-kindness to them like pj said, some people can get very nasty easily and not care about their jobs, you just have to be careful with some. I'm sure you will do fine, you can approach these situations in many different ways and thats whats great, choose your tactic. Like pj said, if you treat them with overkindness it makes you feel asthough your helping them out, they are angry at something and taking it out on the customers and your being really nice to them and because thats not the reaction they expect it annoys them even more, plus it doesn't give them a reason to be able to start any violence because you did nothing wrong  :smiley:  

I hope you can get through things, i wouldn't worry though because you'll be home soon  :smiley:  Don't take shit from people though, its not worth it, it makes you feel worse inside.

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## Super Duck

Well, whatever you do, don't go spitting curses at rude people. I got banned from the library for telling a librarian to:
"Shut fuck up Bitch!"

The story goes:

*Screen goes blurry, vibraphone plays and flashback occurs*

I checked a book out of the library, re-read the blurb as I walked home and suddenly realised ... "Man, I don't wanna read this shit."

I went home, ate lunch and took it back and she said she was extremely annoyed that I had taken the book out, not even read it and it now had to be put back in it's correct place on the shelves. I told her if it was such a bother, I'd put it back on the shelf myself but she told me the point was "If somebody wanted that book and came in while you were out they would think it wouldn't be available for up to another two weeks." I told her it was a fair point and added "but you started off by complaining about putting the book on the shelf and somehow changed your whole point by lecturing me about books not being available."

Anyhoo, she told me I was being rude, answering back like that so, as I say, I told her to "STFU Bitch!"  :boogie:  She immediatley went on the database, found 'Duck, Super' (nah, she actually found my real name) and removed my membership .

I don't know what you _should_ do, just what you _shouldn't_ do. Next time someone upsets you, don't swear at them, just phone meand I'll do it for you.  ::D:

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## Mes Tarrant

Super Duck, I would have loved to have seen that.  ::D:

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## Super Duck

I think you would Mes

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## CoLd BlooDed

My advice is to follow what they do in the States... carry a gun.  That way, any cashier sasses you, and BAM, they are now a cashier minus a head.

 :smiley:

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## Oneironaught

> ...I burst into tears at the entrance of another passport-related building.



Aww, some one needs a hug  ::hug:: 




> I like to "kill them with kindess." Smile, complement them - make it a personal challenge to either make them smile or embarrass them by treating them so good that their behavior looks like mole dung in comparison.



Do what pj said. That's what I try to do. I have a wonderful knack for turning people's attitude around when they start yelling at me. I just remain calm, think about how silly they are acting then calmly respond in a manner that makes them feel like they've gotten all excited for nothing. I've done that with customers on a number of occasions. They may come in yelling and screaming but they'll leave smiling with the sense that I'm the nicest guy in the world (if I can help it).

Now, when people out in the real world treat me like crap I either walk away, ask them what the they're all pissed off about and why I should care or tell them to go f*ck themselves. So, you should probably stick to the way I handle customers (in other words, what pj said). When _I'm_ the customer being treated badly I tend to be more aggressive. Though I sometimes just grin, look them in the eye and say "Damn, you're an @sshole!" or something alone those lines.

If they are simply way out of line, it's funny and useful to just watch them go crazy and laugh at them. Grin and say "Wow, that was rude" or "Some one needs a hug/cookie/a foot in their @ss".




> Really I just need to toughen up (what a sucky world).



That's it. You can't be such an easily-offended puss. The world is full of jerks and @ssholes. Only you can control your response to their ways. Don't let them get you down  ::D: 

One time a lady (damn ladies) at a store checkout counter was having a terrible day and was taking it out on the customers. When I get up to her, I was greeted with a snarl and attitude. I said something like: "Your eyes look lovely when you're pissed." She smiled and her attitude changed immediately as she explained about something her boss had said that made her want to quit. I don't know what made me say that. I guess I was just trying to think of something stupid to say to throw her off guard. Well, it was stupid but it also worked.

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## Burns

> Though I sometimes just grin, look them in the eye and say "Damn, you're an @sshole!" or something alone those lines.
> 
> Grin and say "Wow, that was rude" or "Some one needs a hug/cookie/a foot in their @ss".



Those are good but I prefer, "Wow, if you're here, who's running Hell?"  ::chuckle:: 


Honestly though, I do the "kill em with kindness thing too". When someone is yelling at me, I make direct eye contact, and nod as if I am listening to what they are saying. I paraphrase what their complaint is so they know I understand what they are upset about. Most of the time, I try to turn the tables on them - ask them, "What would you do if you were in this situation?" or "Can you see where I'm coming from on this?" If you can see their point of view, and vice versa, problems can get solved much quicker.

Another thing to remember is to not take it personally. For all you know, the bitch who just yelled at you had a terrible day, locked her keys in the car, spilled coffee on herself earlier, stepped in dog shit, whatever the case may be, and when one more little thing goes wrong, she completely flies off the handle - not to say this is fair behavior, and I'm not trying to justify it, but a lot of people reactions to things have to do with what mood they are in when it happens. Sometimes its the same with me, I'll have a bad day, and something else small goes wrong and I react a lot stronger to it than I normally would.

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## pj

> My advice is to follow what they do in the States... carry a gun.  That way, any cashier sasses you, and BAM, they are now a cashier minus a head.



See, if you were here in the states like I am, you'd know that all the cashiers are armed too, which can complicate things a bit.  We all carry guns all the time and just shoot anybody who looks at us wrong, but we get shot back at too.

Except in Detroit.  The sun is shining over there.

And I hear that cashiers aren't allowed to have guns in Ohio, but that may just be hearsay.

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## Spartiate

I really understand where your coming from Mes, I had the same problem when I was younger.  It was like everything just got to me and eventually I simply got sick of it and had a sudden change of mentality.  Nowadays, there is a kind of wall in between me and the outside world (but I'm not a crazy recluse either  :tongue2: ), and I am seldom bothered by anyone's less than civilized behavior...  If someone is rude to me, I just stare the person in the eye unflinchingly and wait for them to finish.  After that, I do one of two things.  Either I totally ignore what just happened and carry on with my business, or I come up with some witty sarcasm that lightens the mood, nothing rude though, just something that points out the insignificance of it all (like pretending to wipe spit off my face or saying "Nice to meet you too").

If you find yourself in a conflict, try and figure out what kind of person you're dealing with and adapt to the situation.  There are two kinds of rude people.  The first is the kind that is only venting out their frustrations.  Maybe they had a bad day or have been going through tough times lately, whatever the reason, these people aren't that mean, they just want others to feel as crappy as they do.  It's best to stay patient with these people and try to empathize with their situation (however difficult that may seem) because doing anything else is likely to piss them off more (even if it was well intentioned) and make them even ruder.  Unfortunately, this doesn't seem like the type of people your dealing with...  The other type of rude people, is the bitter type.  These people seem to take pleasure out of being rude (or at the very least, they do it out of some weird compulsion) and no amount of niceties or smiles will change that.  With these people, it is best to just stay out of their game.  Do what needs to be done so that business goes smoothly and then get out, anything else is irrelevant (remember, it has nothing to do about you, they are probably just as rude to everyone else!).

Also, it's important to remember that rude people rarely get violent or abusive (at least they don't in the Western Hemisphere  ::?: ...), so feel free to vent a little yourself if you have to, it sure beats holding it all inside until you can't take it anymore.  As long as you keep yourself surrounded with good friends and see more smiles than grinding teeth during the day, you'll be fine.  Have confidence in your backbone, I sure do  :wink2: !  *pictures Mes giving a disgruntled russian clerk the verbal thrashing of a lifetime  ::D: *

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## Spartiate

> We all carry guns all the time and just shoot anybody who looks at us wrong, but we get shot back at too.



 :Eek:   Am I the only one who doesn't think that's normal?

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## pj

> Am I the only one who doesn't think that's normal?



I guess I forgot to use the <sarcasm></sarcasm> tags.  Sorry 'bout that.

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## Amethyst Star

Having worked in the food industry for a few years, I guess that I've been more on the receiving end of people's tempers.  Imagine working at Seaworld on the 4th of July when the whole park is out of ice and some mother's kid has just dropped their plate of chicken and found out that the each person's meal cost about $12.  Obviously I made the prices and had them use trays that were slippery.  You begin to form an immunity to rude behavior over time.

I agree with what's been said so far.  If someone's being rude to you, wait for them to finish and then calmly tell them, "I want you to know that I don't approve of the way that you are speaking to me," or something to that extent.  A tone of disapproval is much more effective, I've found, than anger or frustration.  Eye contact is also something that lets them know that you are serious and are not just going to let it go.  If you have to, don't be afraid to ask for the manager or supervisor.  If it's a store of some sort, let them know that you won't come back and that you will tell everyone that you know how poorly you were treated there and convince them to shop elsewhere.  

If it's somewhere more professional, such as where you were taking care of your passport, speak to a supervisor and tell them how displeased you are with the service.  Obviously you can't just not go to them if they're the only place that will provide what you need, but your word can lead to that person no longer having that position.  It's not always a nice thought to cause someone to lose their job, but if they're treating people like crap, they shouldn't have it.

Be specific when you're lodging a complaint.  Mention if it was their tone of voice, a demeaning attitude, making you feel inferior, and so forth.

I don't know if this was helpful.  I'm more of the "grin and bear it" type when I should step up more often, so I know how you feel.  Maybe I should take someone assertive with me when I go to Russia.

 ::hug::

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## Universal Mind

I HAAAAAAAAAAATE rude people!!!!  Reading your post made my blood boil.  I can't stand people who are mean to strangers without any good reason for it.  I think I might be the closest of anybody here to actually agreeing with Cold Blooded's gun suggestion.  But since I don't want you going to prison, I will tell you what I think you should do with your words and body language.  First of all, look at them like you are way above them while they are acting rude.  Look at them like they are from Mars and like you are amused by how pathetic their behavior is.  Don't show the slightest sign of being negatively affected.  Then they can't feel any power because they have done nothing to you but make you look down on them.  Then walk away and act like you are having a hard time stopping yourself from laughing.  If you want to avoid being aggressive, that should be enough.  If you want to be aggressive back, talk back in a raised voice.  If they can do it, you can do it.  When I am in situations where it would be inappropriate to absolutely tear into them, that's what I do.  Then there is a whole world of insults you can use.  You can ask them why they are using you to try out for the Jerry Springer show.  You can ask them why they don't have anything to take while coming down from their crack.  You can ask why their parents raised them to act like trash.  Another thing you can do, if they really upset you and it was a man that did it, is go up to a group of rough looking men and start crying hysterically and say, "That man was being so mean to me."  Then they will go handle him for you.  

If you are the customer of somebody acting like that, you have a  whole different path you can take.  Their bosses don't want them acting like that.  It's terrible for business.  You can get people written up and fired for acting like that.  Just find out who that person's boss' boss is (since the immediate boss might be a friend) and tell the story about just how rude the person was and how uncalled for it was.  Then say you are thinking about never shopping there again, depending on how the situation is handled, and how all of the people you told about it couldn't believe it.   I have called a lot of regional managers about asshole employees, partly for revenge and partly because I would want to know about it if they were working for me.  Those people really do hurt business, and the people they are working for need to know when they have rude employees.  

Also keep in mind that anybody who is rude to a person as nice as you is very WEAK.  It takes an extremely insecure person with pitiful self-esteem to be like that.  Know what you are dealing with, and they will be much easier to deal with.  

Go get 'em.   ::sniper::

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## Mes Tarrant

Hehehe I have a huge grin on my face after reading your posts!!  ::D: 

CB - Short and sweet. I like!  :tongue2: 

Gh - Haha why are they always ladies?? I was a cashier for a year and somehow only one person was way out of line with me, and of course it was a woman. Her husband was standing there looking embarrassed as hell, so that helped me feel better. There was also another woman who was rude, but she was very very old, so even back then I couldn't possibly take it personally because she was most likely not very sane. I actually felt quite accomplished once I gave her her bags and got her out of the store.  :wink2: 

Burns - Yeah that's exactly what my parents told me after my terrible day of encountering nothing but rude people... that they are probably having a ton of personal problems. He said that perhaps their children are failing school or their fridge is broken.  :tongue2:  Maybe they deserve it.

pj - How come I didn't have a gun as a cashier??  :Mad:  Damn Target, always bringing the mood down.

Spartiate - well good to know that a sort of change of attitude is possible! If I am to give a Russian a verbal thrashing, it would be even better to do so in English since that would catch them off guard and make them think that I am some rich American eccentric that is not to be messed with.  :wink2: 

Amethyst - That's good advice, particularly the eye contact thing to let them know that they won't have it easy with you. I'll start practicing that. Hehe I am going to be a force to be reckoned with some day.. *evil laugh*.

Universal -  ::D:  Hehehehe that definitely cheered me up. I love the idea of pretending to hold back laughter... that would definitely work on me if I ever blew up at someone!! Thanks for getting pissed off after reading my post.. I really want to carry you around in my pocket in case of emergencies now!

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## Adam

Your welcome  :smiley:

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## bro

PJ has some fantastic advice, make them feel like "mole dung". Show how good you can be, and really make them feel terrible in comparison, you'd be surprised how well this works!

Keep being your good self and don't let those rude people influence you!

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## CoLd BlooDed

> See, if you were here in the states like I am, you'd know that all the cashiers are armed too, which can complicate things a bit. We all carry guns all the time and just shoot anybody who looks at us wrong, but we get shot back at too.



Oh right, I didn't take that into the equation.  Good thing we're talking about Russia.

Anyways, Mes, if you can't find the black market and purchase a semi-automatic, I agree with the niceness suffocation.  Make them wonder why they're angry at you.  If they even so much as yell at you, just say in a cute little whisper...

"You wanna know a secret?  I like you too."

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## Michael

two different ways:

1.)sensitive caring person: try your best to take all the shit and ignore it.
2.) my way... be more rude/mean than them... i could help you out if you gave me some specific situations. i dont think anyone has ever been rude to me, and me not completly ruin their day by either making them cry from words, or cry from beating their ass then runnin before the popo show up... those russian popo are prolly harsh... stick to words.

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## Mes Tarrant

> i dont think anyone has ever been rude to me, and me not completly ruin their day by either making them cry from words



 ::bowdown::  Come with me places?

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## Michael

lol i would love to if i was in russia  :tongue2: 

I saw your pic and you look very good. how are people so rude to you?

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## Jeff777

"Instead of being given the gift of patience, ask for an opportunity to be patient, instead of asking for a million dollars, ask for an opportunity to be shown to you so that you may acquire great wealth, instead of asking for the gift of kindness...ask for an opportunity to be kind..." - Jeff 

My thoughts on the matter is you say you don't want to be sensitive and you are presented with an opportunity to puff out your chest and stand firm with boldness, yet you run out in tears?  I know it's not easy, believe me...but the help you are seeking here has been presented to you in the form of an opportunity to better yourself.  Everything's fine when all is good but our true character shows in the face of adversity.  Times of life-altering growth that present themselves to us are what I like to call "defining moments."  

"I looked to the heavens and asked God to make me patient, the next day I drove up to work and there were 100 people in front of me to clock in!...maybe I should have been more careful of what I asked for!" 

You are sensitive, alot of people are...that's not your fault, according to psychology's stand on the four temperaments you are what modern day psychologists would consider a "yellow" to be.  It's not your fault for being sensitive, that's your personality, but know that you can bawl up a fist or two when the time comes. 

*TIP!!!* I study NLP (Nero-Linguistic Programming) off and on, and there's actually a technique to make yourself go from an attitude of wimpy to an attitude of a brave, dynamic, courageous leader that gives off an energy that says "I'm a cool person but don't fuck with me"...and a majority of the time people adhere to that.  Here's the technique...first of all straighten your back, (STRAIGHTEN IT!! :p) raise your chin a bit, breathe deeper and slower than normal, and if you'd like, put your arms on your waist.  That will instantly change your attitude because of the mind body connetion associated with that technique. 

Here's to a lifetime of "defining moments" in which you'll speak your mind, be assertive, bold, take chances, take risks, and live with no regrets...cheers.

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## Universal Mind

Mes, it looks like you like the idea of having a boyfriend who will handle the bastards for you.  A lot of women are very attracted to ultra-domineering men for that very reason.  If you end up getting a guy you think fits that role well, make sure it's not somebody who is going to turn it against you.  Men who give off the vibe of being somebody who will keep you safe might be giving off that vibe because of how you know he will handle people, but those people could include you.  That is what I think mostly explains spousal abuse occurring with relentless codependence.  You should find somebody who will be effectively protective but who is good until he has no choice but not to be.  

I thought of another way to handle rude people, especially the really stupid ones.  When they act like that, roll your eyes to the back of your head and start talking with an Exorcist voice and say, "The oracle snake spririts say they do not like it when you blaspheme the demon voodoo goddess of the Third Labyrinth!"  Then do a laughing witch howl to the top of your lungs.  That should shut them up.  Just be ready to convince the Russian police and mental health professionals you were joking.

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