# Off-Topic Discussion > The Lounge > Ask/Tell Me About >  >  Tell me: What is the best way to tell a guy I'm not interested???

## Mes Tarrant

Long story short, I became friends with this one guy from one of my classes because we had like pretty much everything in common in terms of interests... and now he's making it quite clear that he wants something way more than friendship. I am _not_ attracted to this guy, okay. And I don't want to have to force myself to be attracted to him or something. Now, what is the best way to tell him that I'm not interested?? I don't want to hurt his feelings, and it would be awesome if we could just be friends like I wanted in the first place. Oh, and also, since we have a class together, I have to see him Monday, Wednesday, AND Friday.  ::angry::

----------


## skysaw

Just continue to be his friend, making a line in your mind you don't want him to cross (asking for your number, asking you out, blowing you kisses across the classroom  ::lol:: ) When the line is crossed, just let him know you only want to be friends. But at some point you do have to say this, otherwise he'll follow you around like a pet lizard forever.

----------


## Lord Toaster

Get a friend to subtly talk to him and tell him what's what. He doesn't need to know you had a hand in it, and everything will go back to normal...  hopefully.





> otherwise he'll follow you around like a pet lizard forever.



pet lizard?  ::wtf::

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> Just continue to be his friend, making a line in your mind you don't want him to cross (asking for your number, asking you out, blowing you kisses across the classroom ) When the line is crossed, just let him know you only want to be friends. But at some point you do have to say this, otherwise he'll follow you around like a pet lizard forever.



QFT  ::chuckle:: 

Yeah, sooner or later, if he can't catch the hint, you're just going to have to say "Look, man. I really enjoy being friends with you, and I really hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, but I'm just really not interested in us being anything more than friends."

If he can respect that, good. If he gives you shit about it, give him a judo-chop to the jugular and just walk away.  :smiley:

----------


## Adam

Hmmm... I would much rather be told than be lead on thinking I had a chance.. There is nothing worse than trying to get with a girl for ages only for her to then turn round and say that she actually never wanted anything in the first place but friendship. Has he actually made any advances or is it just your spider sense tingling making you _think_ he is interested?

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> Just continue to be his friend, making a line in your mind you don't want him to cross (asking for your number, asking you out, blowing you kisses across the classroom ) When the line is crossed, just let him know you only want to be friends. But at some point you do have to say this, otherwise he'll follow you around like a pet lizard forever.



Hmm, good advice. And  ::rolllaugh::  "pet lizard."





> Get a friend to subtly talk to him and tell him what's what. He doesn't need to know you had a hand in it, and everything will go back to normal...  hopefully.



I suppose that's an option. Might take longer to coordinate than I have the patience for tho.





> QFT 
> 
> Yeah, sooner or later, if he can't catch the hint, you're just going to have to say "Look, man. I really enjoy being friends with you, and I really hope this doesn't hurt your feelings, but I'm just really not interested in us being anything more than friends."
> 
> If he can respect that, good. If he gives you shit about it, give him a judo-chop to the jugular and just walk away.



Hehe!!  ::content:: 

So would a guy get over it pretty quickly if I phrased it that way? The last thing I want to have to deal with is him slouching in class all depressed for the rest of the semester.  ::roll:: 





> Has he actually made any advances or is it just your spider sense tingling making you _think_ he is interested?



He tried to hold my hand.  ::lol::

----------


## Adam

Ah that old chestnut lol

Urm, well... Maybe you need to be straight with him, to prevent any embarrassment on his part in the future?

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> So would a guy get over it pretty quickly if I phrased it that way? The last thing I want to have to deal with is him slouching in class all depressed for the rest of the semester.



It depends on the guy, really. A lot of guys would hate to make your friendship awkward by getting all  ::cry::  about it, and would just buck up and move on. Sometimes it's just better to know whether or not things would go further.

On the other hand, some guys would get all overly-dramatic and act like their one prospect in life has been mercilessly stripped from them, and will start dwelling on it ( ::morecrying:: ). Which kind of guy do you think he is?

In either case, though, it's better to let him know as soon as possible, so that whatever feelings he does have don't get stronger, in the meantime.

----------


## Patrick

> There is nothing worse than trying to get with a girl for ages only for her to then turn round and say that she actually never wanted anything in the first place but friendship



I totally agree. I remember the first girl I fell love with, and we started a relationship, and I was totally, 100% head over heels, but then she turned around and said, "actually I'd prefer if we were just friends". I was so incredibly in love that I couldn't cope with going back to be friends. It totally tore me up and I didn't speak to her afterwards (I know that sounds immature, but it was a long time ago). It felt like she didn't feel for me like I felt for her, and I didn't think I could live with that. 

So yeah, what I'm trying to say is tread carefully. Maybe try not to say anything unless it gets pretty serious. Although to be fair, not everyone is as immature as I am  :tongue2:

----------


## Clairity

> The last thing I want to have to deal with is him slouching in class all depressed for the rest of the semester.



Well he definately needs to be told but if he's the kind that would be "dramatic/crushed" about it.. Toaster's advice may be the best way to go (i.e., get a friend to subtly talk to him and tell him what's what. He doesn't need to know you had a hand in it, and everything will go back to normal... hopefully).

You could even have that friend hint that you're seeing someone so that the conversation isn't even about him (and therefore his feelings won't even be involved in the conversation).

----------


## Taosaur

If you have mutual friends, you don't necessarily have to ask them to talk to him--if you just talk to them about the situation, it should get back to him. Also, instead of having them tell him you have a bf, you could drop info about a guy you do like when you're talking to this guy--that should get it across.

Any way you handle it is going to sting, and moreso the longer things are left gray, so just look for an opportunity to get it across sooner rather than later.

----------


## [SomeGuy]

If i were in your situation, I would say something along the lines of:

Mes: Do you have feelings for me? I just want to be friends. I'm sorry, i just don't feel the same way back.

It can either go:
(a). He says okay and shrugs it off.
(b). He says okay and shrugs it off. Then goes home and gets all upset but doesn't    want to show his emotions that much to you.
or...
(c). He gets surprised by your asking and denies it


If i were in his situation and you said the above... I would go with either a or b. Hard to tell since i don't have feelings for you.


Hope this helps.

----------


## Siиdяed

Has no-one suggested pretending to be gay yet? And if so, has anyone demanded pix or no real?

----------


## ninja9578

I thought Mes was gay  :Confused: 

I had a crush on one of my friends last semester, I asked her out and she just told me that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.  Made me sad, but I was fine and she wasn't leading me on.  That's all you need to do.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> Urm, well... Maybe you need to be straight with him, to prevent any embarrassment on his part in the future?



Yep. Easier said than donesszzszsz.  ::shock:: 





> It depends on the guy, really. A lot of guys would hate to make your friendship awkward by getting all  about it, and would just buck up and move on. Sometimes it's just better to know whether or not things would go further.
> 
> On the other hand, some guys would get all overly-dramatic and act like their one prospect in life has been mercilessly stripped from them, and will start dwelling on it (). Which kind of guy do you think he is?
> 
> In either case, though, it's better to let him know as soon as possible, so that whatever feelings he does have don't get stronger, in the meantime.



I don't think he'd get TOO  ::morecrying::  about it. But I predict he'll get disappointed, and I also foresee a bunch of awkwardness in the future. I guess that's the price to pay though.





> I totally agree. I remember the first girl I fell love with, and we started a relationship, and I was totally, 100&#37; head over heels, but then she turned around and said, "actually I'd prefer if we were just friends". I was so incredibly in love that I couldn't cope with going back to be friends. It totally tore me up and I didn't speak to her afterwards (I know that sounds immature, but it was a long time ago). It felt like she didn't feel for me like I felt for her, and I didn't think I could live with that. 
> 
> So yeah, what I'm trying to say is tread carefully. Maybe try not to say anything unless it gets pretty serious. Although to be fair, not everyone is as immature as I am



Aww.  ::cry::  That made me sad. Girls can be cruel.





> Well he definately needs to be told but if he's the kind that would be "dramatic/crushed" about it.. Toaster's advice may be the best way to go (i.e., get a friend to subtly talk to him and tell him what's what. He doesn't need to know you had a hand in it, and everything will go back to normal... hopefully).
> 
> You could even have that friend hint that you're seeing someone so that the conversation isn't even about him (and therefore his feelings won't even be involved in the conversation).



I'd rather not lie at all about seeing someone. Usually the truth is the simplest way to go. The friends thing is a good idea, but we don't really have mutual friends. He's just someone from class. I guess I could have someone _else_ from class tell him.  ::lol:: 





> Any way you handle it is going to sting, and moreso the longer things are left gray, so just look for an opportunity to get it across sooner rather than later.



I agree. I just need to stop worrying about hurting his feelings and do what's best.





> If i were in his situation and you said the above... I would go with either a or b. Hard to tell since i don't have feelings for you.
> 
> 
> Hope this helps.



Hmm. I guess a or b don't sound all that bad.





> Has no-one suggested pretending to be gay yet? And if so, has anyone demanded pix or no real?



You!  :Cheeky: 





> I thought Mes was gay



That's sarcasm there, right?  ::lol::

----------


## ninja9578

> That's sarcasm there, right?



I can point to dreams with Angelina Jolie that can say otherwise.  :tongue2:   So you're bisexual?  :smiley:   Well then tell him the truth, you met a hot guy on the internet who dances with bananas and sticks his tongue out at you.   ::banana::   :tongue2:

----------


## Lord Toaster

> Has no-one suggested pretending to be gay yet? And if so, has anyone demanded pix or no real?







> You!



Don't poke fun, I think he was being serious.

imo, the less direct, the better. I would find it incredibly awkward and significantly humiliating if the girl of my dreams sat me down and gently tried to break it to me that she's really not interested, and to stop it with my advances. I would feel a right fool. Maybe that's just me. I don't know how much he's into you either, or what kind of guy he is, obviously if he's like ninja, then your laughing  :tongue2: .

I can't think of another way to let him know apart from those already mentioned, though.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> I can point to dreams with Angelina Jolie that can say otherwise.  * So you're bisexual?*   Well then tell him the truth, you met a hot guy on the internet who dances with bananas and sticks his tongue out at you.



Hehe no!  ::D:  Me straight. Dreams are just dreams, IMO.





> Don't poke fun, I think he was being serious.
> 
> imo, the less direct, the better. I would find it incredibly awkward and significantly humiliating if the girl of my dreams sat me down and gently tried to break it to me that she's really not interested, and to stop it with my advances. I would feel a right fool. Maybe that's just me. I don't know how much he's into you either, or what kind of guy he is, obviously if he's like ninja, then your laughing .



Gaaah! I'd rather be less direct as well, but I can't think of a way to do that! Baaaah. 

Hehe. Why does this even have to happen to me.

----------


## [SomeGuy]

So, have you decided which one is best advice?

(I have little to no clue... they're all good. I would NOT like to be left in the dark though. It's best to tell him soon. If you do wait for a while, I think he would get mad.)

----------


## Ynot

kick him in the nads

it'll be less painful

----------


## ninja9578

> Hehe. Why does this even have to happen to me.



Because you're really cute.





> kick him in the nads
> 
> it'll be less painful



 ::lmao::

----------


## Taosaur

> Because you're really cute.



You guys are spoiling Mes. She'll be totally undateable if you keep it up.

----------


## Lord Toaster

> She'll be totally undateable if you keep it up.



Exactly. Hehe.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> So, have you decided which one is best advice?
> 
> (I have little to no clue... they're all good. I would NOT like to be left in the dark though. It's best to tell him soon. If you do wait for a while, I think he would get mad.)



Yeah thus far I'm going to be direct but nice. I was thinking maybe something like, "I really like hanging out with you, but I don't feel very comfortable with the 'other' stuff right now." How's that?  ::?: 





> kick him in the nads
> 
> it'll be less painful



 :Cheeky: 





> Because you're really cute.



No YOU'RE cute!  ::D: 





> You guys are spoiling Mes. She'll be totally undateable if you keep it up.



Bwahaha!!  ::D:  That is totally false.

I'm just standing up for my right to reject people I'm not attracted to. I used to not do that.  :Sad:  It was... less than desirable.

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> kick him in the nads
> 
> it'll be less painful



Rofl! I can see it now:

Guy: You know, [Mes], we've been friends for a lil while now and, uh...I've kinda been thinking...well....more wondering, actually...if you might, maybe, ...wanna go out with me?  ::embarrassed:: 

Mes: Wow...Uh...well...uhm... :paranoid:  

*Mes kicks Guy in the nuts and runs away*

_ROFL_

----------


## [SomeGuy]

lol

----------


## rastasteez

oh man im on like the other end of this situation with this guy i like. we are friends but i like him more then a friend. i can't tell if he likes me back, sure he drops huge hints that he does but he could just be leading me on. part of the fun is not knowing and figuring it out so you eventually know. yes i am well aware that i could be crushed, but hey life will go on. personally though id rather know right now whats the deal with him. quote from ALF -"if the world blows up tomorrow think of all the time you would have wasted." haha yes i want to tell the guy i like him and i do with subtle hints but not enough, i am very shy though. 
ive also had this trouble with guys. usually i just tell them stories about me and other guys and they realize im not into them. one thing i try to be sure of though is HURTING their feelings not knowing it. i suspect this kid likes be and i like this other guy and i always want to ask m friend for advice BUT because he likes me i think he would be crushed if i kept doing this to him, so i try not to go to him for advice. idk  how this helps but whatevs. good luck!

----------


## ninja9578

> No YOU'RE cute!



 ::content::  Thanks doll  ::kiss:: 





> Guy: You know, [Mes], we've been friends for a lil while now and, uh...I've kinda been thinking...well....more wondering, actually...if you might, maybe, ...wanna go out with me? 
> 
> Mes: Wow...Uh...well...uhm... 
> 
> *Mes kicks Guy in the nuts and runs away*



 ::lmao::   That's too funny.





> You guys are spoiling Mes. She'll be totally undateable if you keep it up.



Cute girls aren't undateable, some guys just happened to be intimidated by them.  They're just like every other girl, right Mes?


Don't say "right now," that might give him hope for later.  That sounds like you've got too much stuff going on now, but your schedule might open up later.

----------


## Man of Shred

Just tell him  you only wanna be his friend. people always get hurt in the dating game, it'salways unavoidable. If he is a man i'm sure he'll get over it.

----------


## Namaste

For sure he will get over it  ::D:  Similiar thing happened to me and I was a bit down about it but it didn't bother me for long, was just glad to get the asking over and knowing where I stood and then I could move on - you would be doing him a favour in telling him cos if he's hung up on you and he can't date you then when he knows that he can start developing another crush elsewhere! I got rejected a few times but I didn't feel badly about the girls as I liked them - I didn't cause any probs for them!

How about trying to set him up with someone else or get him a stripogram or lap dance or something ROFL or maybe get someone to show him a Chicago Town Deep Dish pizza, they usually attract a lot of attention! Ask a few girls in your class or in the uni/college place if they like him and then create a chance meeting! Mes Match Making Service! You could get a picture of him and put it on DV and see if any of the girls on here wanna take him offa your hands! 

Good Luck! I think you should just tell him and get it over with so you can start worrying about other things  ::D:

----------


## Replicon

If he's making it quite clear, then his reasoning is as follows: "Well, she didn't completely shoot me down and hurt my feelings, so there's still hope... I'll wait and see." In other words, if it comes to it, just tell him straight out that you don't feel that way about him. Don't string him along with subtlety just because you're worried you might lose him as a friend. That's kind of a selfish thing to do.

----------


## nina

Start treating him like one of your girlfriends, or a gay friend. Like, talk to him about who you have a crush on. Ask him if you think so and so is interested in you. Tell him you think so and so is really hot. (one of my guy friends let me know he wasn't interested in me by telling me how awesome he thought my friend was, I got the hint real quick without being upset) Be really careful not to send him mixed signals. I know attention is fun and all, but it's counter productive to be silly and flirty with him even though it seems harmless. 

If he doesn't get the hint then he's a rock and just tell him straight up.

----------


## ExoByte



----------


## wasup

> Start treating him like one of your girlfriends, or a gay friend. Like, talk to him about who you have a crush on. Ask him if you think so and so is interested in you. Tell him you think so and so is really hot. (one of my guy friends let me know he wasn't interested in me by telling me how awesome he thought my friend was, I got the hint real quick without being upset) Be really careful not to send him mixed signals. I know attention is fun and all, but it's counter productive to be silly and flirty with him even though it seems harmless. 
> 
> If he doesn't get the hint then he's a rock and just tell him straight up.



Um, that doesn't really work for guys.  I would recommend not doing this, rather, be honest.

----------


## StephenT

> So would a guy get over it pretty quickly if I phrased it that way? The last thing I want to have to deal with is him slouching in class all depressed for the rest of the semester.



If he doesn't get over it very quick then he's kinda a freak.  You guys never had a real relationship right?  So he lost nothing except for an opportunity.  Which happens frequently.

If he ends up sad and makes it awkward then he doesn't deserve your friendship anyways.  That would be pathetic.

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> Um, that doesn't really work for guys.  I would recommend not doing this, rather, be honest.



I agree. Main reason being that I know girls who will do that exact same thing Nina suggested for the sole purpose of analyzing guys' reactions, to see whether or not the guys like them. They try to make the guy jealous because, if they can see that they're jealous, it tells the girl that the guy has feelings for them.

"Signals" don't always get interpreted the way they're intended. It's best to just be straight up.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> Guy: You know, [Mes], we've been friends for a lil while now and, uh...I've kinda been thinking...well....more wondering, actually...if you might, maybe, ...wanna go out with me? 
> 
> Mes: Wow...Uh...well...uhm... 
> 
> *Mes kicks Guy in the nuts and runs away*



 ::chuckle:: 





> oh man im on like the other end of this situation with this guy i like. we are friends but i like him more then a friend. i can't tell if he likes me back, sure he drops huge hints that he does but he could just be leading me on. part of the fun is not knowing and figuring it out so you eventually know. yes i am well aware that i could be crushed, but hey life will go on. personally though id rather know right now whats the deal with him. quote from ALF -"if the world blows up tomorrow think of all the time you would have wasted." haha yes i want to tell the guy i like him and i do with subtle hints but not enough, i am very shy though. 
> ive also had this trouble with guys. usually i just tell them stories about me and other guys and they realize im not into them. one thing i try to be sure of though is HURTING their feelings not knowing it. i suspect this kid likes be and i like this other guy and i always want to ask m friend for advice BUT because he likes me i think he would be crushed if i kept doing this to him, so i try not to go to him for advice. idk  how this helps but whatevs. good luck!



Hehe I've been on the "other" end too, but for me it's just always been really fun to have crushes on people. Makes your days go by faster.  :wink2: 





> Don't say "right now," that might give him hope for later.  That sounds like you've got too much stuff going on now, but your schedule might open up later.



 ::doh::  Crap! You're right. I need to stop being a chicken, man.





> people always get hurt in the dating game, it'salways unavoidable.



.. Quite true.





> For sure he will get over it  Similiar thing happened to me and I was a bit down about it but it didn't bother me for long, was just glad to get the asking over and knowing where I stood and then I could move on - you would be doing him a favour in telling him cos if he's hung up on you and he can't date you then when he knows that he can start developing another crush elsewhere! I got rejected a few times but I didn't feel badly about the girls as I liked them - I didn't cause any probs for them!
> 
> Good Luck! I think you should just tell him and get it over with so you can start worrying about other things



Thanks for the advice! Yeah I'd be doing him a favor by letting him move on, eh.





> If he's making it quite clear, then his reasoning is as follows: "Well, she didn't completely shoot me down and hurt my feelings, so there's still hope... I'll wait and see." In other words, if it comes to it, just tell him straight out that you don't feel that way about him. Don't string him along with subtlety just because you're worried you might lose him as a friend. That's kind of a selfish thing to do.



Yeah. I can see that reasoning.  ::?:  I am acting selfish, aren't I. Well upon further thought, I dread possible awkwardness more than losing him as a friend.





> Start treating him like one of your girlfriends, or a gay friend. Like, talk to him about who you have a crush on. Ask him if you think so and so is interested in you. Tell him you think so and so is really hot. (one of my guy friends let me know he wasn't interested in me by telling me how awesome he thought my friend was, I got the hint real quick without being upset) Be really careful not to send him mixed signals. I know attention is fun and all, but it's counter productive to be silly and flirty with him even though it seems harmless.



See... I really like that idea. And then I read:





> Um, that doesn't really work for guys.  I would recommend not doing this, rather, be honest.







> I agree. Main reason being that I know girls who will do that exact same thing Nina suggested for the sole purpose of analyzing guys' reactions, to see whether or not the guys like them. They try to make the guy jealous because, if they can see that they're jealous, it tells the girl that the guy has feelings for them.
> 
> "Signals" don't always get interpreted the way they're intended. It's best to just be straight up.



 ::whyme::  Guess directness is all I can do.





> If he doesn't get over it very quick then he's kinda a freak.  You guys never had a real relationship right?  So he lost nothing except for an opportunity.  Which happens frequently.
> 
> If he ends up sad and makes it awkward then he doesn't deserve your friendship anyways.  That would be pathetic.



You are quite right in everything!  ::content::  Hehe "a freak."





> 



 :tongue2:  Bad! Bad bad bad! They ended up TOGETHER!  :Cheeky:

----------


## Spartiate

You mean you didn't tell him yet  :tongue2: ?

----------


## StephenT

Maybe you would end up with Mathew McConaughey if you try it.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> You mean you didn't tell him yet ?



No, it didn't come up on Monday because there was nothing to do but focus on the lecture, and I don't see him again until Wednesday.





> Maybe you would end up with Mathew McConaughey if you try it.



That MUST be right!  :Cheeky:

----------


## Ynot

send him the link to this thread

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> send him the link to this thread



 ::rolllaugh::  Oh god. It's so simple!

----------


## Spartiate

Oh, right, I actually thought we were Wednesday for some reason  ::wtf2:: .  Gah, stupid week...


Well good luck then  :tongue2: , give him some conciliatory booze.

----------


## ninja9578

You could dress up in a chicken and go to class like that.  Nobody wants a crazy girlfriend, no matter how cute she is.

----------


## Spartiate

> You could dress up in a chicken and go to class like that.  Nobody wants a crazy girlfriend, no matter how cute she is.



Badly timed exotic latin dancing works for me if I want to scare off girls, wonder if it works the other way around...

----------


## skysaw

> send him the link to this thread







> Oh god. It's so simple!



But Mes!! All I wanted to do was hold your hand and whisper sweet nothings in your ear! Now I am totally crushed! *sob!* I feel so stupid to not realize you were talking about me all this time.

----------


## StephenT

> Badly timed exotic latin dancing works for me if I want to scare off girls, wonder if it works the other way around...



Make sure to video tape it so we can judge for whether it is effective.

----------


## Man of Shred

Mes, if he feels upset. why not help him out. Do you have any friends that might like him? How about coaching him to help him  find a date? would you feel good about that? I mean everytime a woman puts a good word in for me, she is my new best friend!!!

----------


## wasup

> I agree. Main reason being that I know girls who will do that exact same thing Nina suggested for the sole purpose of analyzing guys' reactions, to see whether or not the guys like them. They try to make the guy jealous because, if they can see that they're jealous, it tells the girl that the guy has feelings for them.
> 
> "Signals" don't always get interpreted the way they're intended. It's best to just be straight up.



Yeah, I was gonna say the same thing.  Like those girls who talk about other guys when it's just to make you jealous and stuff.  And the simple fact of talking about certain things around him will make him think maybe you are interested.  Like if this guy is not in fact gay, treating him like a "gay friend" will make him receive different signals than you intended.  On a more passive level, you don't really have to tell him that much, but telling him will ensure he actually just accepts it.  Like, I am sure he will hang out with you and everything, but always kind of flirting and such.  And I don't want to hurt your feelings, but he might not be as interested when he realizes YOU'RE not interested.  But if you wanna try it for a while, just treat him like a friend.  I mean, whenever I have a friend who's a girl who I don't want it to be awkward with (though most of my friends who are girls don't like me, but I just want to keep any weirdness down), in my head I just replace that person with a guy friend and see if I would act the same way (it's the same way I see if a hot girl is affecting me... in my mind I just think... would I still be doing this if the person was an obese man?  if the answer is yes, then I know it's not a matter of her hotness.  and I figure out if she is actually interesting and such by doing the same thing, and thinking if I would still be interested in her as a friend and such.  but that's neither here nor there).  For example, I wouldn't flirt with a girl who's a friend even playfully, because I don't with a guy (unless it's like, a joke, which is why I might do it with girls, as a joke).  But I don't know if that really works with girls, because you wouldn't really want to treat him like you treat a girl-friend.  Though I think you get what I'm talking about... just kind of don't have looks or gender really be an aspect in your friendship.  It's okay for him to be attracted to you (as I am to some of my friends who are girls), but there can be attraction and not really a desire to have something more.  But if you find that treating him like a friend -- a real "friend," not a "gay friend," which I think would make him believe you are patronizing him, sending him some sort of hints, playing mind games on him, and probably hurting his feelings to some degree -- still leaves him having strong feelings for you, than just tell him upright.  And it doesn't have to be awkward, or formal.  It's not like you have to be "there is something I have to talk about."  If maybe he "makes a move" on you, than just say you do maybe just wanna be friends.  But though it can be informally, make sure the message is clear.

Sorry for the rant, but just my opinion.  It's really up to you how you want to tell him, but as a guy, I think you should make sure that you make yourself clear.  And not like "girl clear."  But like, guy clear.  That means actually saying something.  Girls think their "hints" will work... most likely not.  Don't be awkward yourself about it, and don't try to avoid him if he is awkward, just let him know what's going on.  Don't act like anything is really changed when you tell him, because, for all intents and purposes, for you nothing did change, as you were always "just friends."  But he might send you hints that he is no longer really interested.  More likely is that he'll still hang out with you and still have feelings for you.  But as long as you just don't really acknowledge flirtations and definitely don't reciprocate them, you're golden.

Good luck.

----------


## rastasteez

i think you can flirt with friends and not like them. or like them a little but still want nothing more then a friendship. in one of my classes there are these 2 guys and we always flirt with each other but we both know that we dont want anything more. we can hold hands, say things to each other and know that we aren't taking it seriously. seeing as almost all my friends are guys.. i do this a lot. aha last year about 7 guys made me RATE them on a scale of one to ten i almost died. but yes i have no problem talking to a guy friend and saying the "you have really gorgeous eyes and a nice body." or "i love you" or holding their hand but maybe that is just because we are good friends. im just saying that even though the guy make huge hints that he likes you, he may not and just wants to have a friend that is able to do this with. i know friends are always jealous of me because i am able to have many guy friends that i can talk to aand say stuff to without either of us liking each other. to me it is all just friendship. no i dont go making out with all them, i just like to know that they are their for me when i need them to talk to and i am there for all of them and that we can trust each other with our lives. i most certainly pick the good ones!

----------


## nina

haha...men are so goddamn stupid

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> haha...men are so goddamn stupid



 ::wtf::

----------


## AspirationRealized

> haha...men are so goddamn stupid



Most men.

And I didn't read through it all, so I'm sure this is already been said... but telling them pointblank really is the best way, in the end.

You can go through the different scenarios of this... like what could happen if you used any indirect way of saying it, is he'll follow you around like a puppy dog thinking you are "almost" interested in him, and it'll take just a little more convincing. Which irritates you more, which may lead to an even more rash way of telling him you're not interested by telling him to fuck off XD Or you could hope the indirect way will sink in and he'll move on.

Directly placed, he knows you're not interested in him. I suggest you do it nicely, while still being direct. A few reactions come of this... either they are mature about it, and move on, or they take it as offensive, cry, ask why you don't like them blah blah blah... in which case proving you made the right decision by not accepting them.

Anyone who would be sad or angry from hearing simply "I'm sorry, but I'm not really interested" will have to grow up, and confronting this will be good for them.

----------


## nina

> 



you heard me  :tongue2:

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> you heard me



I also hear politicians spit bs all day, every day. Doesn't mean that what they're saying necessarily holds any weight.

I was looking for you to elaborate, not repeat yourself.  :tongue2:

----------


## AspirationRealized

> I also hear politicians spit bs all day, every day. Doesn't mean that what they're saying necessarily holds any weight.
> 
> I was looking for you to elaborate, not repeat yourself.



Her statement holds water, but only with that little change. "most men". 

If you're any sort of Gentleman, One, you notice those who share our gender and no other traits about us :/

Then again. If most guys are dumbasses, so too, a lot of girls are whores.

ROLF. Sexist thread potential.

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> Her statement holds water, but only with that little change. "most men". 
> 
> If you're any sort of Gentleman, One, you notice those who share our gender and no other traits about us :/
> 
> Then again. If most guys are dumbasses, so too, a lot of girls are whores.
> 
> ROLF. Sexist thread potential.



Therein lies the problem with her statement. 

However there is a difference between saying what many/most men are and what _all_ men are (which is what is implied by not specifying).

No offense, but it's not your place to change the statement for her. If that's her intention, she needs to make the distinction, herself. There are _a lot_ of things that I can say many women are, but if I was just to come out and say "Women are whores," that would warrant a little more explanation than someone stepping in and saying "what you meant to say is many/most women are whores" for me, because I may have, in fact, said exactly what I'd intended to say.

----------


## AspirationRealized

> Therein lies the problem with her statement. 
> 
> However there is a difference between saying what many/most men are and what _all_ men are (which is what is implied by not specifying).
> 
> No offense, but it's not your place to change the statement for her. If that's her intention, she needs to make the distinction, herself. There are _a lot_ of things that I can say many women are, but if I was just to come out and say "Women are whores," that would warrant a little more explanation than someone stepping in and saying "what you meant to say is many/most women are whores" for me, because I may have, in fact, said exactly what I'd intended to say.



Truth being told. But its a simpler way of redirecting her message to what I believe. As in... I believe that statement is correct, if you were to change this here.

Then again people tend to generalize quite readily o0

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> Then again people tend to generalize quite readily o0



Exactly my point. 

I understand what you saying, though, but unless that's what Nina actually meant, my  ::wtf::  still stands.

----------


## AspirationRealized

> Exactly my point. 
> 
> I understand what you saying, though, but unless that's what Nina actually meant, my  still stands.



I can't tell if she was joking or not >.>

----------


## nina

then let me rephrase for you...

people are so goddamn stupid

And I don't care if you say "all women are whores" ...being as I'm NOT a whore, I wouldn't take offense or be bothered by it. Hint.

----------


## AspirationRealized

> then let me rephrase for you...
> 
> people are so goddamn stupid
> 
> And I don't care if you say "all women are whores" ...being as I'm NOT a whore, I wouldn't take offense or be bothered by it. Hint.



But I know from experience that not all women are whores ^_^ just a lot of them.

----------


## Michael

> But I know from experience that not all women are whores



you mean you know from lack of experience.

oh and just tell the dude he's ugly. that should do it.

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> then let me rephrase for you...
> 
> people are so goddamn stupid
> 
> And I don't care if you say "all women are whores" ...being as I'm NOT a whore, I wouldn't take offense or be bothered by it. Hint.



You would have no reason to believe I was talking about you, because my comment wouldn't have come directly after a reply from you and someone else, who happened to disagree with something I'd recently said. Hint.  :tongue2: 

So, let me rephrase:

What is it about the context of this thread (or, in particular, the portion between your "men are so goddamn stupid" post and your post before it) that caused you to say "men are so goddamn stupid"?

That's all I'm asking.  ::wtf::

----------


## AspirationRealized

> you mean you know from lack of experience.
> 
> oh and just tell the dude he's ugly. that should do it.



You don't have to sleep with a woman, and then pay for it, to tell she is a whore...

----------


## Michael

> You don't have to sleep with a woman, and then pay for it, to tell she is a whore...



Duh, that would make her a hooker.

----------


## AspirationRealized

> Duh, that would make her a hooker.



-.-

----------


## nina

lol @ this thread  ::roll::

----------


## wasup

Um, what, aquanina?  Men are stupid when they don't understand what women want... and stupid when women don't understand what men want (because men have stupid needs)?  

Right, I think I get it now.

----------


## ♥Mark

This thread almost makes me want to change back to my feminism avatar.

----------


## skysaw

I've always held that men are stupid. I've also always held that women are stupid. Everybody's stupid, just some more than others.

----------


## nina

Well I think that men and women are both stupid...just in different ways.

If you guys really want some proof I should just show you my PM box. I mean, shit...talk about NOT being able to take a hint. And I'm not one for subtlety. I'll say straight up, leave me alone! And they still don't effing listen.

Guy: "Hello, I'm so and so, I'm going to add you on AIM."
Guy: "Hello, why are you not adding me? I want to talk to you!"
Guy: "Are you ignoring me on purpose?"
Guy: "I need to tell you something important!!"
Me: "What!?"
Guy: "Am I bothering you?
Me: "Yes"
Guy: "Should I leave you alone?"
Me: "YES!"
Guy: "Ok, I'll leave you alone."
Guy: "Are you feeling better today?
Me: "NO"
Guy: "Do you still want me to leave you alone?"
Me: "Please leave me alone!!"
Guy: "You're a bitch."

This is directed at no one in particular, so if it looks suspiciously like a PM conversation I've had with you don't take offense. But please take a hint in the future.  ::?:

----------


## Mes Tarrant

Haha! This thread is so interesting. Hopefully it will help out others in similar situations in the future.

Anyway Nina, GAH I've had similar conversations (the "bitch" at the end..  ::roll::  how mature.. ). There's a guy on facebook who keeps trying to add me as his friend.

Guy: Why won't you add me?
Guy: Why are you ignoring me, buddy?
Me: You're not my friend.
Guy: Why? We were in high school...
Me: No we weren't. Leave me alone.
Guy: Okay, I'll leave you alone if you tell me what I did to deserve this.
Me: I'm just not your friend. Get over it. I'm going to report you if you contact me again.

Heh. I may have seemed a bit harsh there, but this same guy does this ALL THE TIME. I'm actually pretty damn convinced he's mentally retarded now.

Anyway, I'm sure most guys aren't like this though.  ::content:: 

From my observations, I can't help but come to the conclusion that girls have a tendency to be a bit crueler to guys than guys are to girls, what with the little games that they play and so on. Hmm. I wonder why this is.

----------


## nina

I never used to be "cruel" to guys...I'm just SOOO freaking tired of being harassed by idiotic and unattractive men who think I should be dying to talk to them...and when I'm not I'm automatically labeled as a bitch.

If you grab my ass...do NOT expect to get away with it. Does that make me a bitch? If so, then I guess I'm a bitch. *shrugs*

Yeah. Sorry guys...but you'll find no sympathy here.  :tongue2:

----------


## Adam

> Well I think that men and women are both stupid...just in different ways.
> 
> If you guys really want some proof I should just show you my PM box. I mean, shit...talk about NOT being able to take a hint. And I'm not one for subtlety. I'll say straight up, leave me alone! And they still don't effing listen.
> 
> Guy: "Hello, I'm so and so, I'm going to add you on AIM."
> Guy: "Hello, why are you not adding me? I want to talk to you!"
> Guy: "Are you ignoring me on purpose?"
> Guy: "I need to tell you something important!!"
> Me: "What!?"
> ...



You didn't have to publicly humiliate me  :Sad:

----------


## Spartiate

Hahaha, "do you want to talk to me?", "no", "bitch"  ::chuckle:: ...





> From my observations, I can't help but come to the conclusion that girls have a tendency to be a bit crueler to guys than guys are to girls, what with the little games that they play and so on. Hmm. I wonder why this is.



Stupid guys are overeager to go after girls and stupid girls are too shy to go after guys.  We have nobody to play with.

----------


## skysaw

> If you grab my ass...do NOT expect to get away with it. Does that make me a bitch? If so, then I guess I'm a bitch. *shrugs*



An unwelcomed ass-grab deserves a punch in the mouth. Anyone who thinks that makes you a bitch should be tarred and feathered.

----------


## AspirationRealized

> You didn't have to publicly humiliate me



Actually, I think a bit of that was me  :Oops:  no kidding. 'cept for the bitch part...

----------


## Lord Toaster

> i think you can flirt with friends and not like them. or like them a little but still want nothing more then a friendship. in one of my classes there are these 2 guys and we always flirt with each other but we both know that we dont want anything more. we can hold hands, say things to each other and know that we aren't taking it seriously. seeing as almost all my friends are guys.. i do this a lot. aha last year about 7 guys made me RATE them on a scale of one to ten i almost died. but yes i have no problem talking to a guy friend and saying the "you have really gorgeous eyes and a nice body." or "i love you" or holding their hand but maybe that is just because we are good friends. im just saying that even though the guy make huge hints that he likes you, he may not and just wants to have a friend that is able to do this with. i know friends are always jealous of me because i am able to have many guy friends that i can talk to aand say stuff to without either of us liking each other. to me it is all just friendship. no i dont go making out with all them, i just like to know that they are their for me when i need them to talk to and i am there for all of them and that we can trust each other with our lives. i most certainly pick the good ones!



Yeah, all that's fine, so long as you both know that it's not going anywhere, and there are no expectations. That doesn't seem the case here  ::?:

----------


## nina

I really didn't mean to embarrass anyone, I'm just sick of not being left alone after I've ignored you or asked to be left alone numerous times. 

And Adam shush, you should know I have dibs on you as soon as you and your girl break up.

Hah! I can't say that lol. I really like Emy actually. She's a cool chick.  :wink2:

----------


## pj

This thread has been an interesting read, and it reminds me of a relationship I had in my late teens that was disastrous... a great lady who should have been a life-long friend, but I did the typical guy thing and she liked me too much to draw the line.  In the end, a friendship was lost - a life-long regret that remains with me today.

Looking at it from almost thirty years later, I still can't see a way she could have dealt with me that would have gotten through without hurting my feelings.  No matter how you approach it, you are rejecting the guy in a very fundamental way.  The problem with guys that age is that fundamental is pretty much their entire consciousness.

My advice to that lady from here would be this; be true to yourself.  You will save yourself considerable pain if you draw the line up front, and he may grow up enough later on to be able to respect you for it.  You have a chance of saving a great friendship if you act now - you are guaranteed to lose it if you don't.

----------


## AspirationRealized

> This thread has been an interesting read, and it reminds me of a relationship I had in my late teens that was disastrous... a great lady who should have been a life-long friend, but I did the typical guy thing and she liked me too much to draw the line.  In the end, a friendship was lost.
> 
> Looking at it from almost thirty years later, I still can't see a way she could have dealt with me that would have gotten through without hurting my feelings.  No matter how you approach it, you are rejecting the guy in a very fundamental way.  The problem with guys that age is that fundamental is pretty much their entire consciousness.
> 
> My advice to that lady from here would be this; be true to yourself.  You will save yourself considerable pain if you draw the line up front, and he may grow up enough later on to be able to respect you for it.  You have a chance of saving a great friendship if you act now - you are guaranteed to lose it if you don't.



I've had the same experience you're talking about, with my first crush XD It was so pathetic and its all really funny now.

As for your last statement, thats very true. Any relationship, friendship or not, which isn't based on truth is destined to fail.

----------


## Man of Shred

LOL at the IM convos. I almost never EVER do that EVER. I can take hints, If they just run with that dry tone i leave them alone, PERIOD.

 If you guys (men) want a clear picture of how stupid and annoying a lot of guys are. go to plentyoffish.com. get a random girl pic from google images. Set up an alternate email account (cause your inbox will be full by the end of the day). and create a fake profile as a woman and post it in a major city. You will be disgusted at how pathetic a lot of us guys really are. I can really understand where women are coming from when they say such things.

----------


## Alex D

Just tell him waht a great friend he is, how you'll always love him as a friend. Really lay it on thick.

If he suggests going further, say you'd worry it would damage teh relationship you built and how you really don't want to lose him, should anything go wrong as a couple. Say you care about him too much for that.

In effect, lie  :tongue2:

----------


## Dizko

Move Country!

----------


## Taosaur

> Move Country!



Finally, the voice of reason.

----------


## Sornaensis

> Haha! This thread is so interesting. Hopefully it will help out others in similar situations in the future.
> 
> Anyway Nina, GAH I've had similar conversations (the "bitch" at the end..  how mature.. ). There's a guy on facebook who keeps trying to add me as his friend.
> 
> Guy: Why won't you add me?
> Guy: Why are you ignoring me, buddy?
> Me: You're not my friend.
> Guy: Why? We were in high school...
> Me: No we weren't. Leave me alone.
> ...



I am NOT mentally retarded  :Sad:

----------


## psychology student

You guys are overthinking this. Tell him your a Christian, and that you want to marry him, job done.

----------


## Sornaensis

> You guys are overthinking this. Tell him your a Christian, and that you want to marry him, job done.



This has bad idea written all over it.

She could tell him she's Atheist (Which she is) and get into a big fight (Which he won't win) about life, the universe, and *EVERYTHING!*.

Then do that EVERY TIME you see him, and problem solved :3

----------


## StephenT

> This has bad idea written all over it.
> 
> She could tell him she's Atheist (Which she is) and get into a big fight (Which he won't win) about life, the universe, and *EVERYTHING!*.
> 
> Then do that EVERY TIME you see him, and problem solved :3



I agree more with this.  Chances are that he's Christian and will find PS's idea good.

Unleash the R/S fury!

----------


## dragonoverlord

Mes all you have to do is tell him u have kids. That should do the trick :wink2:

----------


## aceboy

being told that i can only be a friend would be a put down i would remember for a long time. be easy on him you'd be surprized how long a guy can remember things like that.

----------


## Universal Mind

Tell him you have decided to become a sumo wrestler.  Then ask him for advice on how to gain 100 pounds in six months.  

You could also tell him that you have a terrible habit of squeezing testicles as hard as you can with pliars during sex.  Talk to him about how you have no idea how to give up that habit.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

::rolllaugh::  at the replies. Unleash the R/S fury... wow, that would turn off pretty much anyone.





> Mes all you have to do is tell him u have kids. That should do the trick



Gaaaah!! Don't just say something like that without giving me suggestions on what specifically to say!  :tongue2:  Then again, maybe his ego won't be quite so fragile. Bah, I can only hope.



PJ, thanks for that story. Gaaah this needs to happen soon.

----------


## Taosaur

Mention that you're filling out your medical history for the student health center, then five minutes later ask him how to spell "chlamydia."

----------


## HyperNova

> being told that i can only be a friend would be a put down i would remember for a long time. be easy on him you'd be surprized how long a guy can remember things like that.



haha that reminds me!

When I was about 7 there was a girl who I had a HUGE crush on and I used to follow her everywhere (first ever crush). Our teacher told the class to line up by door and I raced to be next to her in line - I dont really remember what happened but she said something on the lines of: "I'm not marrying you." (that was the big thing then - eveyone had to find a wife/husband)

Anyway, that really crushed me and it's something I'll never forget! :p

If he really has strong feelings for you, you have to be prepared that whatever you do may either break your friendship totaly or scar it slightly...





> Mention that you're filling out your medical history for the student health center, then five minutes later ask him how to spell "chlamydia."



ROFL that's genius!

----------


## Adam

Sooooooooo how did it go? Did you tell Spart him yet?  ::lol::

----------


## Spartiate

> Sooooooooo how did it go? Did you tell Spart him yet?



I took it really badly...

On a totally unrelated note, Mes won't be around much anymore  :paranoid: .

----------


## ChrissyMaria

If I were a woman, I'd just tell the guy 
"your a good friend but, I'm really not interested in taking it any further then a friendship"

well, i'd say that as a guy also but yea, i tell it like it is, i just say the truth no matter how harsh it is  ::D: 

if some ugly girl/guy approached me, and hit on me id be like

"sorry hun, not interested"

----------


## Jeff777

At first when I read the title to this thread...I was going to post saying "Just block his username, you won't miss those few consecutive letters of the alphabet anyway".  ::chuckle:: 

Wear a shirt that says "I'm not interested" and inadvertently point to it while conversating with him.  Also don't make eye contact with him, it shows lack of interest.  :tongue2:

----------


## Adam

> I took it really badly...
> 
> On a totally unrelated note, Mes won't be around much anymore .



DAMN YOU!!! I just spat my coffee on my keyboard  :Sad:

----------


## Adrenaline Junkie

As you said to me Mes, get on with it!

It'll be fine, a little bit of rejection should be good for him. Like many people say, say something that really puts him in that friend zone. Say something like "I love you like a brother, or a friend". Be imaginative, but don't feel pressured, after all, its not exactly fair that you should feel pressured into something your not happy about. Tell him about how you feel in a suggestive way, and if he doesn't get it then..... Well you may have to get him alone and make him understand how your feeling.

Get it over with, make yourself feel at ease.

----------


## Oneiro

> Say something like "I love you like a brother, or a friend".



Hmmm.. not so sure about that one LS. He might still get the idea that he's in with a chance. I think that Mes needs to be unambiguous, something like:

"Listen. I like you, but I'm not at all interested in a relationship with you. I'm just not interested."

Just my opinion.

----------


## thegnome54

> at the replies. Unleash the R/S fury... wow, that would turn off pretty much anyone.



I'm afraid if I was him, that would just make me more interested in you...  ::lol:: 





> it would be awesome if we could just be friends like I wanted in the first place.



I second the "tell him what a good friend he is" notion, but really only if it's true.  If you really think he makes a good friend, make sure you mention it in complete honesty while you tell him you're not interested in more.  This probably sounds obvious, but make sure when you tell him you don't rush over this part of the sentence as if you're just saying it as a cliche.

If he stops being interested, gets over it, then it's just a compliment.  If he can't get over it, then at least he will have a kind word to hang onto until he does.  Either way, he will stop overtly bothering you.

Now hurry up and do something about it, it's been nearly two weeks!

----------


## Sornaensis

So...

Any progress reports thar mes?  :paranoid:

----------


## Mes Tarrant

:Bang head:  It just hasn't been coming up!! AHHH!! We've just been busy paying attention to the prof in class, and we haven't hung out outside of class since, and he's also been talking to me less because I've been accidentally giving him really mean looks.  :tongue2:  God damn, not going how I planned, but hey at least he's not trying to hold my hand in class or something. Actually, all is not lost because there might be a new person who I will have to use this advice on. *sigh* It never ends.

----------


## Sornaensis

Just buy a can of Mace, Mes.

----------


## Taosaur

You want we should break some legs?

----------


## ninja9578

> Actually, all is not lost because there might be a new person who I will have to use this advice on. *sigh* It never ends.



The only way to stop guys from being interested in you is to be less beautiful or become a total bitch.  But if you do either one of those it will make me sad  ::cry:: 

I liked Oneironaut's solution of kicking them and running.  :tongue2:

----------


## Oneironaut Zero

> I liked Oneironaut's solution of kicking them and running.



Heh. Actually, it was Ynot's. I just expanded on it.  ::content::

----------


## Goodmood

Very interesting stuff here, i'm sure its useful to any guy. I say always be completely honest and give it straight but thats me i guess.

Just one quick question to Mes (or any female), i dont want to go too off topic here but...  

No girl in their right mind would Say *how amazing i smell* and drop hints about how smell compatibility is very important in making "perfect babies" when they just want to be friends? right? Amongst a lot of other possible hints, but i found the smell one particularly interesting. Its a very complicated and serious situation, a yes or no would be enough, i don't want too go off topic.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

> No girl in their right mind would Say *how amazing i smell* and drop hints about how smell compatibility is very important in making "perfect babies" when they just want to be friends? right? Amongst a lot of other possible hints, but i found the smell one particularly interesting. Its a very complicated and serious situation, a yes or no would be enough, i don't want too go off topic.




Interesting. I'd need to know more of the situation than that, but if that's all there is then I wouldn't say it meant anything. 

FYI, people have tried to study whether or not smell is important in terms of sexual attraction in humans, and disappointingly, no one has come up with any evidence to support that. But I guess we still believe it's important because of all the marketing attention perfumes and colognes get.

----------


## Goodmood

> Interesting. I'd need to know more of the situation than that, but if that's all there is then I wouldn't say it meant anything.



Mind if i PM you?

----------


## Adam

> Interesting. I'd need to know more of the situation than that, but if that's all there is then I wouldn't say it meant anything. 
> 
> FYI, people have tried to study whether or not smell is important in terms of sexual attraction in humans, and disappointingly, no one has come up with any evidence to support that. But I guess we still believe it's important because of all the marketing attention perfumes and colognes get.



I have a friend that goes weak at the knee's for this one fragrance if a guy is wearing it! That is evidence enough for me  ::lol:: 

I really should stop wearing it hehe

----------


## Goodmood

Yes, this person is very interested in smells and seems pretty affected by them. If shes believes it, then screw science, i have to keep my hopes up.  :tongue2: . On a side note her smell drives me crazy. Have you guys never experienced that?

----------


## Mes Tarrant

Yep that's what I'm saying, we still believe that smells are really important even if there's no scientific evidence to back it up. Hell, I'm drawn to good smells too.  :drool:

----------


## Soldier

Mes Tarrant, why dont you post a pic of yourself here? this way we can see how big of a problem it is for these guys to leave you alone.

----------


## Sornaensis

If Mes posted a pic in here the glare off her face would melt the Philosophy section!

----------


## Mes Tarrant

::o: 

 :Cheeky:  No peekchurs.

----------


## Sornaensis

> No peekchurs.



Gud.

I like the fill... the filoso... The Philisoapy... 

Aha!

The philosophy section. That.

Keep yer pics in the picture thread.

----------


## Universal Mind

> Mes Tarrant, why dont you post a pic of yourself here? this way we can see how big of a problem it is for these guys to leave you alone.



She posted some in the pictures thread, and you should see the effect that has had on certain guys on this site.  Mes is like Mary in _There's Something About Mary. _

----------


## NonDualistic

This is an interesting thread that brings up where I have been myself in the past 25 + years since high school.

I have been on the recieving side of this fence on several occasions.

One was with a very very good friend. I wanted more and she didnt. She was very nice about it and as she put it wisely to me both parties need to be equally attracted to one another in the same way for a intimate relationship to work. I was  a little depressed about if for a while but that passed and the awkwardness dissipated and  we continued to be good friends. 

When in a friendship of opposite sexes when one or both get married that awkwrardness can return in different ways, mainly when dealing with jealous spouses. Its not an easy bridge to travel. 

 I later divorced my first wife and the friendship then continued after a  period of little to no contact. Mainly letter writing then turning to the occasional e-mail years later. I got maried again. This time I stayed in contact. Then she got married. Slowly the awkwardness returned and the last I heard from her was a couple of years ago. Oh well...

To answer your initial question Mes,  The best advice and best way in my opinion, is to point out just what my friend did to me those many years ago: That a intimate relationship requires both persons to be equally attracted to one another in the same ways. If they are not the relationship will not last, and if it happens to last, it will require alot of extra work, of which should not be the case. 
 It shouldnt feel like work or sacrifice. If it does then things are wrong. I know, because this is how my current marriage of 18 years is and has been for all but the first couple of years. No one would start, much less go through with a relationship like that if they knew what it entailed down the road. Hindsight is 20/20 as the old saying goes. Its best to learn from other people mistakes. Much the wiser doing so.

----------


## Mes Tarrant

Heh. My parents saw Something About Mary and hated it.  ::lol:: 





> This is an interesting thread that brings up where I have been myself in the past 25 + years since high school.
> 
> I have been on the recieving side of this fence on several occasions.
> 
> One was with a very very good friend. I wanted more and she didnt. She was very nice about it and as she put it wisely to me both parties need to be equally attracted to one another in the same way for a intimate relationship to work. I was  a little depressed about if for a while but that passed and the awkwardness dissipated and  we continued to be good friends. 
> 
> When in a friendship of opposite sexes when one or both get married that awkwrardness can return in different ways, mainly when dealing with jealous spouses. Its not an easy bridge to travel. 
> 
>  I later divorced my first wife and the friendship then continued after a  period of little to no contact. Mainly letter writing then turning to the occasional e-mail years later. I got maried again. This time I stayed in contact. Then she got married. Slowly the awkwardness returned and the last I heard from her was a couple of years ago. Oh well...
> ...





Thank you for your reply!!  ::content::  That's an excellent way of putting it.. that the attraction has to be the same in all ways from both sides. I once dated someone who I wasn't particularly attracted to, and umm yeah, needless to say that didn't go so well.  ::?: 

I can't imagine being friends with an ex though, especially being okay with seeing them with someone else... unless it was an insignificant and short-lived relationship that you had or something. Hmm.

----------


## NonDualistic

> I can't imagine being friends with an ex though, especially being okay with seeing them with someone else... unless it was an insignificant and short-lived relationship that you had or something. Hmm.



The female friend I was talking about, I had before I got married the first time. After I married, my now ex-wife forced me to break off contact. Her unfounded jealousies were what drove most of the nails in the coffin of our marriage. Ironically she was the one who went off and cheated on me. Go figure... :tongue2: 

After the divorce from her I then re-established contact with my female friend. Sorry about any confusion.

As to my Ex, I havnt seen or spoken to her in 20+ years. Totally indifferent to thoughts of her. If she found someone else, well thats great, but I do hope she would have left the baggage she was carrying  at the door before she entered another relationship. Everyone deserves to experience a truly harmonious loving relationship with equal attraction at least once in their lives.

----------


## Taosaur

> The female friend I was talking about, I had before I got married the first time. After I married, my now ex-wife forced me to break off contact. Her unfounded jealousies were what drove most of the nails in the coffin of our marriage. Ironically she was the one who went off and cheated on me. Go figure...



I've known a lot of people who require jealousy for their way of loving. Talk about how we "hate suffering but love its causes." There's a great old Jean-Luc Godard/Brigette Bardot movie on the topic, Le Mepris, or The Contempt.

----------


## ninja9578

> She posted some in the pictures thread, and you should see the effect that has had on certain guys on this site.  Mes is like Mary in _There's Something About Mary._



Teehee.  Can I be Ben Stiller?

----------

