# Off-Topic Discussion > Artists' Corner >  >  Bygone

## Alex D

I can't decide if I should call this Bygone or Trace, well whatever, it's a story I've had in my head for ages, it involves dreaming quite a bit, basic storyline, young girl haunted by dreams involving the murder of her parents... delightful. But it turns into a lot more than that, you'll just have to wait and see.

Anyway, this is a VERY short intro I just wrote, it doesn't fit into any of the chapters, I just wanted to use it to introduce the main charater and her personality.

... I can't write to save my life by the way. :D

Bygone

Sian Intro

Mulburry Woods, I dont really remember when I started coming here, I have most my life. Theres something about it, something, comforting, I come here when I cant sleep, when it all gets too much but Im sure that you dont really want to listen to me ramble on about how much I like this place. You see, Ive never been the sort of person who can just, well relax, Im always uptight, youd hate that about me, seriously. I can never sleep, thats why Im here, on a cold, wet night at bloody 5am. 

I suppose itd be best for me to tell you the normal Hi, Im David Mgrew, I grew up with my parents in a trailer crap about myself, so here goes. My names Sian (pronounced Sharn) Beckett, Sian meaning a gift from God and Beckett sounding a lot like bucket, so lets just forget the last name. Im 16, long brown hair, wanabe artist, Virgo and a whole lot of other crap which Im sure that you dont care about. I live with my cousin because my parents died a long, long time ago, but Im not sure I really want to get into that right now. I dont really remember much about them, all I know is from pictures, to be honest, thinking about them is a little too depressing for me sometimes. So anyway, my Cousin, Sam, shes a nice girl, about 35, so she was 21 when I was born and 25 when she was lumbered with little old me. Like I said, shes nice and everything, but, I dont know, I just feel so distant from her sometimes. Blah, whatever, its not like you honestly care.


There is a reason why I cant sleep sometimes, nightmares. Look, I know what youre thinking Poor little girl being chased by an evil clown, OH NO! or something, but these, these are something more.

Oh, would you look at that? The suns rising, I guess that Id better head home, put the make up on and face another day.

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## MSG

Heres what i noticed... no personal attacks

The gender of the character should be infered a little bit earlier, since i was thinking it was a girl and BAM... david? then it changes names and i see the long hair (no offense people I have long hair myself) and it makes me think its a girl (maybe i was influenced by your sexy avatar). I notice a "bloody". I have nothing against the british, but I think you should limit the english slang to dialogue. The word "crap" is used too close together. Two times is fine, but its within 4 seconds of reading.

Other than those *minor* maletails I think its pretty good. I like how you get friendly with the reader not just the generic "Hi. Im Nancy. I sell my body for money" intro. You talk like you're 'having a one-way conversation yet the only reason they're not talking is they have the inability to' kind of theme. Sounds interesting.

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